Sunday, December 18, 2011

On the seventh day of What the Effmas...

...I gave the dog 7 things to choose from when deciding where to take a dump,

a 6 foot polar bear kidnapped an unidentifiable inflatable creature,
5 snowmen taunted me from around this off-season May pole,
a 4 foot high elf busted in on Santa taking a merry crap in the most festive of outhouses,
3 deer randomly perched on the roof of this house and ate sprouting sky debris from the gutters,
2 bitches set this tree on fire,
and there was this traitorous douche with his infuriating countdown.  
She sniffed around everything on this lawn before deciding to go with an old standby favorite - the tiny lit Christmas tree.

I swear, the dog's anus relaxes as soon as the holidays come around and people start putting these things out on their lawns. They're like a festive blinking laxative for her.

Which is handy for me, because that means I don't have to carry a flashlight or risk life and limb of all nearby kitty cats by stealing her blinking dog tag to locate her dump amidst the darkness of my neighbors' lawns.

Nope - we rely on these merry colorful poo finders for that.

Hooray! It's Christmas! Let's take the dog out to shit in a twinkling forest haunted by a disproportionately small man with a bag of stolen goods, an oversized puppy wearing the fat man's hat and some randomly dispersed giant boxes!

Sort of brings about a physiological reaction in me as well, come to think of it.

Wait! Are those more tiny trees around a much bigger tree and some unidentifiable inflatable object? Excuse me, my newspaper and I have some business to attend to...

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Sucks, right?

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