Sunday, December 11, 2011

Merry Freshly Shat Coil of Decomposing Hellfire!

I learned the grossest lesson today while I was all up to my fucking ears in holiday baking:

Never crack eggs right into your recipe. Crack them into another bowl first, then drop them into your recipe.


Why dirty another bowl?

Why take the extra step when you're known for being a lazy short cut taker?

Because you may just drop a rotten egg right into your spinning bread dough and then have to watch (and smell) helplessly while its dark rank evil swirls ever deeper into your dough, ruining it forever.

No challahs were harmed in the making of this recipe.

And then you have to do two completely distasteful things:
  1. Start over. There's no saving anything that's seen the likes of a rotten egg.
  2. Waste everything that's gone into your recipe already.

This is no place for rotten eggs.

There's just nothing good about that scenario, so now I will always crack all eggs into a small bowl first, to test their potential rottenness, and then I will either PLOOP them into the mixer or SPLACH them into the garbage disposal with a lemon rind and run the thing for a solid five minutes.

And then I will bake a batch of mini challahs that turned out not exactly "mini".

Then I may or may not light a match and blame the dog, but you know, every time can be different. That's the fun of my kitchen.

That, and coming into contact with a smell so hideous it can only be equated to a freshly shat coil of decomposing hellfire.

This, however, smelled heavenly. And nothing like hellfire or rotten shatting.
My one saving grace was that I'd only used one of my four eggs for the recipe when the filthy rotten HELL egg went in, so I could still make the other five billion egg-needing recipes on the Holiday Baking Doom List.

Specifically, another batch of mini challahs that aren't actually mini and a truckload of mini coffee cakes that are actually mini.

I love these mini loaf pans with plastic lids for JUST this reason: stackability.
And, I should say, that if you're ever in need of a method for ridding your house of an awful smell and replacing it with a HEAVEN smell - bake two batches of challah and then bake coffee cake.

Then experience Nose Joy that has nothing to do with coke or huffing glue.

Not that I'd know about that kind of joy. It's not my thing.

If one could ingest gin through one's nose, though, that'd be another story.

But enough about my fine collection of illicit hobbies - I made more stuff:

Remember the lip balm thing? They look more profesh now. Also, they're not hard as a rock. Hooray.

In all honesty, I made these over the summer when blackberries were in season. Oh summertime...I miss thee.

And then, I made some more stuff from the stuff I made.

Sort of like standing between two mirrors except this was more work.

By this point in the holiday gift gathering, "JOY" is the last thing on my mind.

Unless it's the JOY from being FUCKING DONE ALREADY GAH.

I can't wait to ship you away from my house.
And in a few weeks, I'll take those mini coffee cakes of HEAVEN and give them to my neighbors so that they know that I love them even though Jada poops next to their Christmas trees.

The ones on their lawns, people. Not the ones in their living rooms. BUT OH MY GAH WHAT IF SHE DID THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

But no. I wouldn't let her. That would be wrong.

And, anyway, I pick up the dumps she leaves by their lawn Christmas trees, so they probably know I love them.

Well, except for these people:

Bet this thing has 3 digit capability. Asses.
I don't love them, but sadly Jada's tank was empty, so I couldn't express my true feelings about their little decoration, there.

We'll try again though.

Meanwhile, holiday baking is done, the house smells like a bakery and it's cocktail time.

Don't forget - DO NOT CRACK EGGS RIGHT INTO YOUR RECIPES. Or, you know, rotten hellfire shits and such.


  1. Now I wish I was one of your neighbore. I love coffee cake!

  2. Those are beautiful! You're kicking ass on the present front.

  3. uhmm mini coffee cake recipe please....oh and have TOTALLY done the stink egg thing.

  4. Wow. That's impressive. For someone who dislikes the holidays so much, you sure do put a lot of effort into your gift-giving.

    I'm afraid that although I give people jars of food made with love (and sweat and cussing in a sweltering kitchen in August), I never manage to package them very nicely. Must be that crafty thing that I totally lack and you obviously possess in spades.

  5. Holy Cow Woman -- that's a LOT of gorgeous baking going on there! That bread looks fantastic -- have you shown us how you make it and I was just sleeping? Or is that a Finny Well Guarded Secret? (Cause it probably should be -- they look like they burst forth from a fine bakery!)

    I've never had the misfortune of a rotten egg. I've always been more afraid of random egg shell bits falling into the recipe.

    Anywho -- that's a whole pile of amazingness AND you managed to crack me up with your Joy comments. Another VERY successful Finny Post!

  6. coffee cake recipe please?

  7. I have to say, for a girl who complains about the holiday madness and tackiness (in quite the funniest of ways, nevertheless) this post is damn JOLLY. The packaging? Adorable. The baking? I WANT TO LICK MY SCREEN AND PLAY WITH A DRADLE. Yeah. That's how good the challah looks.

    Challah back now, sister.
    (I'm sorry. I couldn't resist.)

  8. It's really gross when the eggs are bloody too. I've had that happen before. Blech.

    Someone on my way to my mom's house has a counter that goes up to 364 days

  9. I've only seen such beautiful things in NYC! Gorgeous bread! xxoo Patty


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