Saturday, December 17, 2011

On the sixth day of What the Effmas...

...a 6 foot polar bear kidnapped an unidentifiable inflatable creature and held it captive on a lawn infested with red and white striped earthworms that had left their luminescent slime trails all over the front porch,
5 snowmen taunted me from around this off-season May pole,
a 4 foot high elf busted in on Santa taking a merry crap in the most festive of outhouses,
3 deer randomly perched on the roof of this house and ate sprouting sky debris from the gutters,
2 bitches set this tree on fire,
and there was this traitorous douche with his infuriating countdown.  

Yeah, that was kind of a long ways to go to get a 6 at the beginning of that sentence and incorporate all the Wrong going on in that yard. And I didn't even manage to say anything about the too small Christmas tree lost in the shuffle behind all that other madness.

Ohp! There I go - I did get it after all.

So, yeah, this is a new fun trend I'm noticing that folds in neatly with the "Yards That Should Be Tended Before Receiving Decorations" rule --  the "Houses Should Come With a Size Limit For Decorations So That They're Not Larger Than The House Itself" rule.

That polar bear there, yeah, I have to imagine that they justified its size by ruling that once the holidays were over, they were just going to move into it and call it the new breakfast nook.

Like, "Hey kids, just take your cereal into the bear's belly and have your breakfast while I finish packing your lunch over here in its left thigh."

Too much? OK, I guess we could use it as a studio or tool shed or something. I have been needing a place to store all my paw shaped trowels.

Meanwhile, one last thing - why the fuck is a polar bear wearing mittens and a scarf? IT'S A FUCKING POLAR BEAR. They come with built in mittens and scarves - it's called FUR. And, of all things to provide for a creature to fend off the cold weather, why wouldn't you give him boots or at least another pear of mittens for his back paws, which, BY THE WAY, are the same as his front paws because bears don't have hands and feet -- they have FOUR PAWS.

Jesus. I can't make sense of this at all and all I'm trying to do is rationalize the damned polar bear.

I give up. For now.

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