Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Completely random but at least there's lots of photos.

Who's ready for some bulleted list action?

Sounds vaguely nerdily sexy, if you ask me.

If that can even be a thing.

Let's try:
  • My sweet peas are finally getting ready to bloom and Jada has decided that the best way to mulch them is to nap on them. Thanks, puppy.

  • I'm growing two new hydroponic crops in our greenhouse - cucumbers and eggplant. They're supposed to be a major pain in the ass and prone to a billion pests and shit. Yay.
  • The peas happened sort of and then it's been all hot, so this is about all I'm getting even though I planted them way back in, like, February while I was trying to be all I WILL HAVE SOME FUCKING PEAS THIS YEAR DAMNIT, but no. Not really. Again. Ugh. 

  • We went to Passover at my folks' and I ate a flotilla of Matzo ball soup and enjoyed making fun of my sister's homemade seder plate from when she was 8 and more talented than I'll ever be. 

  • The bees' poppy field is blooming and it's just my favorite thing that I don't have to do shit for. And speaking of awesome shit that I don't have to do shit for, the nasturtium are blooming and covering the grapes' roots just like I imagined they would when I did zero planning and just stuck some seeds in the ground, like, six months ago. Yay.

  • The little lime tree is now screaming MAKE SOME COCKTAILS ALREADY because the fucker is so weighted down with nippley limes that I can't help but lewdly tickle them while Bubba makes similarly lewd gestures and reminds me that we're not fit for social interaction anymore.

  • The front yard meadow is GOING OFF. This is the time of year when it looks like I know what I'm doing sort of and I'm savoring it. I've taken a thousand good pictures with my real big girl camera, but you just get these ones that came off my phone without any nice filters or anything because I'm lazy.
  • I'm still growing buttloads of hydroponic lettuce and basil until the end of this semester when I'll graduate and then somehow come back to grow hydro cucumbers and eggplant. We'll talk more on this another time.

  • Spring is nice.

  • We took a field trip to a newly started up farm and it was tits. I almost pet a horse (not a fan), saw lots of sheep, clucked with the chickens, cuddled-ish some hogs and listened to ducks quacking around in their baby pool overlooking the Santa Cruz mountains. 

  • The college's farm is looking extra nice right now and I thought you should see our blossoming hedgerow because it's pretty and shit.

  • The vegetable garden is in and Spring and Jada approve.

  • I went to see Kelli for a long overdue visit and, while I took no pictures of the two of us, I do have this one of my bed-buddy Nelson and the inspiration behind a whole day of lazing at the pool. Like a dream.

  • Here's a hippie from my Organic Agriculture class who always has something tangled up in his hippie mane. This time it's grass. Other times it's been weeds, flowers, dirt and "unidentified mass". The unique aspect of this photo is the fact that he's wearing a shirt and that this hair belongs to a man.  


OK - so that's the quick and dirty vaguely nerdily sexy bulleted list update. I feel like probably a lot of these topics warrant longer and more coherent posts, but we'll just have to see about that. 

Thursday, April 03, 2014

I'M HAPPY AND ANGRY.

Probably the real news here is that I've knitted again, which is meant to sound as sinister as "I've killed again" because I nearly did.

People - knitting is not relaxing.

I just don't care who says it and with what frequency. For me, knitting is a dangerous game of I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYONE IF THIS DOESN'T WORK ON THIS VERY NEXT TRY and, so often, this is what it comes down to.

My latest knitting project is absolutely no different.

See, I came across this hysterical pattern on Ravelry. Or maybe someone forwarded it to me? I honestly can't recall. The rage has erased a good part of my short term memory.

So, obviously once I saw this pattern, my fingers started twitching and swears started revving up because OH I MUST MAKE THIS.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOooooooooooooo

Because of its hilariousness. And eyeballness. And hilarious eyeballness.

But, of course, I can't just make things all willy nilly without a purpose, so I decided I'd make it for my dad. Because it's his birthday tomorrow. And he drinks tea.

And likes snails? Wait, no.

He likes his teapot to stare at him? Nope.

His teapot is cold? Not that I know of.

Whatever.

I thought I'd knit this crazy ass thing and offset its absolute weirdness with things I know that he does like so that he wouldn't hate me or think I was, like, late stage retarded or something.

So I knit the thing up and put it with a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints, some really good black tea and a tea ball shaped like an elephant.

Not that the elephant part is relevant, but that was what I found and it amused me and let's be honest here - it's clearly all about my amusement.

And by it I mean everything.

Obviously.

But about my rage knitting.

It was ragefull.

And let me now summarize for you a few things about knitting that inspire the greatest amount of rage.

Firstly, there was a lot of "Make two" going on in this muther fucker of a pattern. Like, "Make two eyeballs" and "Make two pupils" and "Make two shafts" (HA! SHAFTS! I'm real mature.) and such. And you know how much I hate any pattern that requires me to knit something and then, just when I'm finished with it and I see the light at the end of the tunnel and oh I have a finished object NOPE..."Make two".

I mean, I get it. If you're going to have a pair of anything: gloves, socks, eyeballs, whatever - you're going to need two of them and I know that the pattern is going to say to "Make two" and I know that when I get to that part in the pattern that I will roll out my special "Make two" swears and call it a scheming sunuvabitching whore.

But I'll get over it.

And make two like a fucking grown-up.

But here's a knitting thing that I've only touched on ever so briefly in the past but enrages me like fucking fire: Weave in ends.

OH REALLY? IS THAT ALL? Just weave in the ends like in five seconds and then we're on our way TO where everything looks perfect and will stay put just like so?

You know what I always say when I get to the part of every pattern where it says, "Just weave in ends."?

JUST FUCKING BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS.

That's what I say. Because I am the boss of knitting. I point at the thing I've just slaved away knitting and go, "Oh yeah, sweater that I've been knitting for half of my adult life? Just weave in the five thousand ends you have dangling all over the place? WHY DON'T YOU JUST BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS/SLEEVE HOLE?"

My rage comes from the fact that "just" weaving in the ends is always this mystery activity of where the fuck do all these ends really go so that they don't show through the front of the work and how long do they really need to be to stay in place even if this thing gets washed and what if I just tied a good old fashioned knot here and cut the ends and called it a day and such.

Because this is my thought process every time I get to the "Just weave in ends" part of every pattern after I have my temper tantrum wherein I command the pattern to blow it out of its non-existent ass.

Again - I'm real mature.

But also, saying "Attach securely to [project]" isn't helpful at all.

HOW?

HOW WOULD YOU SUGGEST I ACHIEVE THIS ALLEGED SECURE ATTACHMENT?

HOW DID YOU DO IT?

ARE YOU MAGIC?

CAN I BORROW YOUR MAGIC WAND TO SECURELY ATTACH THESE SHAFTS (HA! SORRY.) TO THIS SNAIL TEAPOT COZY?

NO?

Well, then you can blow it out your ass, too. You and your pattern can have an ass blowing party and I'll just sit here and burn over the ridiculousness of this pattern and...oh wait...I got it...oh my god that's the most hilarious thing I've ever madetotallyworthitHOORAY.



So, yeah. 

The Snail Tea Cozy is, to me, entertaining and hysterical and also a little cute and that's sort of helping me forget about the fact that it took me more than 10 tries to get this thing started properly because the pattern calls for starting with 6 stitches knitting in the round on double pointed needles.

Because the chick that designed this pattern hates people, so she makes adorable patterns using punishing techniques and thank the maker that someone had the wisdom to post a crucial tip on their rendition of this pattern, "I started by making a 12-chain crochet ring, then picked up stitches out of it and knit from round 3 of the pattern."

That helped a lot, Annettle. You're tits.

Without that nugget of wisdom, for which I was wholeheartedly searching after failing over a dozen times at the start of this pattern, I would have burned my entire knitting stash after stabbing my eyes out with all of my needles.

Twice.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Obviously I'm drunk on Spring

As you probably know and are super annoyed by, it's Spring here in NorCal and has been since like, November.

Cherry tree's blooming.
ALREADY EVEN THOUGH IT'S ONLY FUCKING MARCH HELLO.

We just barely had a winter, if you can even call that five day period where it rained a normal rain, winter, and, well, the First Day of Spring is now suddenly Thursday, so OK then.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and be all WOE IS ME HOW COME THE WEATHER IS ALL SUNSHINEY AND BEAUTIFUL WHY WON'T IT RAIN AND BE COLD because I know you'll all hate me and leave stupid comments about how it was, like 74 below at your house yesterday (Hi, Sara. Yes. You've had the world's shittiest winter and I 100% feel for you. I also know that you wouldn't leave me a stupid comment, so that's why I'm writing the world's longest side note in parenthesis for you. Hi again.) or some shit and that's just not why I'm here.

I'm here to tell you about the other liquor cabinet I call The Garden.

The other beverage I consume in the garden. AKA - the only one without gin in it. (It's tea.)


Remember Gardenblahblahblah? Yeah, that's this.

Gardenblahblahblah with a side of I'M SO DRUNK ON SPRING RIGHT NOW.

Honestly, there's so much of it that I really don't know where to start, so we'll just start with what I did today.

I feel a bulleted list coming on.

Oop - here is:

  • Seeded 80 or so cucumbers, watermelons, pumpkins and zucchini into pots for the Indie Farms Spring Plant Sale
  • Seeded 100 or so companion plants, culinary herbs and flowers into flats for the Indie Farms Spring Plant Sale
  • Finally got rid of the fucking kale plants that were bolting in the garden while also serving as the condo high rise for every cabbage moth larvae and aphid in the Western Hemisphere
  • Harvested worm castings which really means I stole a bucket's worth of worms' poo. Nice, me.
  • Watered 100+ tomato and pepper seedlings for the five hundredth time
We're needy. WE NEED THINGS. Like, straightening of our tags which I just noticed is crooked in this photo. Yay.


Yesterday was a similar frazzled litany of gardeny things like:

  • Turning the compost in my new compost set up, which is harder than my old just spin the tub method in the Compostumbler, but way faster at making compost and that's what we're after 
  • Sorting seed and materials for today's seeding extravaganza
  • Ignoring the kale because I was doing it today
  • Planning my garden seeding for Wednesday because I apparently can't accomplish shit unless I plan it out way in advance and book time on my own calendar like a fucking lunatic
I've become a total calendar scheduling psychopath, y'all. I now book everything on one of my many Google calendars so that the thing looks like a fucking patchwork quilt of weird activities spread across my days. I think I need a scheduling intervention.

Or an assistant. 

Whatever.

Gardenblahblahblah rules dictate that I focus on the garden, so back to that...

The peas have germinated and tagged their lines just in time for it to be 80 FUCKING DEGREES AROUND HERE. Damnitall.

THE LILACS ARE BLOOMING. Awesome.


Did I tell you that the lilacs are blooming? They are. It's my favorite.
I've kind of gotten into growing herbs because of my extreme nerdiness and this was really exciting for me to see.

Also, I'm growing some peppers.
The kumquats are happening.
The grapes are ON THE JOB.
I grew a boatload of parsnips this winter and we've already eaten them all. Yay.
The winter garden harvest was a goodie.
I harvest a bunch of onions like this about every other day and now I can't imagine not growing onions because of their extreme awesomeness.



Also, as an extension of Gardenblahblahblah, I give you the goings on at work, which I think also counts as gardening. Just bigger. And with fish.


I had to move fish at work to their new big tanks (this is about 10% of the fish, mid-move). Best job.

I grow microgreens now. A lot of them. 

And basil. I grow a lot of basil. It's really happy now that there's more light during the day. It, too, is drunk on Spring.


We just planted hydroponic blueberries under the new high tunnels. Which is something I never thought I'd say.  And is great.

I made painted stakes to mark my different hop varieties because I don't know when to leave well enough alone.

My hydro crops are really happy now that the days are getting longer.

We dug a hole in our new field during class. Then my instructor stood in it. That's all.

We went to a farm on a field trip and they had GOATS. 

Goats that knocked each other down racing to greet us. It was the best day.

Frog butt

I have to pinch the basil tops at least once a week and this is about 1/3 of what comes off. So I eat it.
Enjoyable.

Also, there's stuff going on in the front yard meadow, but I haven't been out there during good light with my good camera to take any pictures that don't look like total bat shit, so we'll wait on that for another day. I'll, like, add it to my calendar or something.