Oh my, how we also hate Bermudagrass sooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOoOOOOoooooooooo much.
|Oh my god, fuck you.|
And that is how I ended up spending last Saturday shoveling and shoveling and shoveling (and admiring worms and dark crumbly soil and fantasizing about summer tomatoes) and shoveling until HOLY I thought I might pass away.
|This photo in no way represents HOW MUCH soil that is. IT'S SO MUCH.|
|Don't worry, beautiful soil, I'll save you!|
And then I pretended not to hear him because LO that's a lot of work. And also it would mean relocating a lot of cubic yards of finely tuned and productive garden soil without misplacing a single crumb. And also shoveling like I've never shoveled before. And looking at/pulling/swearing at Bermudagrass like I've never known before so that it started to invade even my waking dreams.
But he wouldn't let it go even though I kept conveniently hearing other things while he was talking until finally he took me by the shoulders and presented our Pay Attention To Me, This Is Important phrase: "Come on, peckerhead. We need to do this."
I know, we're very mature. No, I don't know how we landed on this as our prime method of communicating when the other one needs to make something a priority and quit fucking around, but there you go.
It's gotten us through taxes, computer OS migrations, house projects and now terrible and horrific yard work.
So, if I'm ever trying to get your attention about something and you hear me say, "Come on, peckerhead." you better fucking well listen because I mean business.
We're very profesh.
So yes, when Bubba delivered The Ultimate Line, I did listen and then I considered his proposal very seriously and then I began creating a plan.
It had to be done before the bees arrived because you can't be loudly and sweatily mucking about around a new and active hive with shovels and flying dirt and rage. It's bad bee business.
So that meant it had to be done before 4/7 because that's when the bees come.
So that meant we also had to get the grapes in and trellised before then because once this project is done and the bees are in, I'm only going to want to work with the vegetables and the grapes came into the nursery way early and needed to be planted.
So so so...and and and...it basically meant it all had to be done this month. When we've had an incredibly epic snowy winter and all Bubba wants to do is ski. And rightfully so because the man Lives. To. Ski.
And I have a race coming up for which I need to train. And I'm going to see my boys play at Spring Training and will be out of town. And Bubba has work bullcrappery that takes him out of town.
Anyway, what happened was what I described above - Saturday became Finny Shovels Her Back and Hamstrings To Death Day while Bubba Skis.
|That there are four empty vegetable beds and a bunch of soil in a sauna.|
This will then turn into Bubba Pulls Bermudagrass Until His Gloves Wear Holes In Them while Finny Runs.
And then, I imagine there will be a lot of double duty where we're both out there rolling out new bulletproof landscape fabric and then bark mulch and staring down anything that looks remotely like a speck of Bermudagrass until the bees arrive and the situation's out of our hands.
Then I plant the vegetable garden and we all go back to our regularly scheduled lives of FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE #1 TOMATO plus a fun and exciting contest I'm going to announce when the prizes show up at my house (oooooh! suspense! You don't get that a lot around here.).
But until we get the Bermudagrass out, we can't do any of those fun things. So, go forth we must, into the back breakingest yard work I'm likely to know in my lifetime because we can't just go out back with a bottle of Round-Up and nuke that crap. OH NO. We're doing this by the organic method, folks, and that means hard labor that results in healthier soil rather than the chemical method which results in dead soil and OH WHAT THE HELL a triumphant return of Bermudagrass in under 6 month's time.
Don't believe me? I dare not tell a lie about the indestructible nature of Bermudagrass. That stuff is the devil's own landscape material, I tell you what.
If you want to read more about this horrific yet highly effective method of removing Evil from your own yard, read up on my Examiner article. In fact, you should probably just subscribe to my Examiner feed and Like me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter because that helps kill Bermudagrass, too.
OK, well, the manual labor does, anyway, but the other stuff is good fun so just come on, peckerhead.