Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Adopt a Crop update: Pickle CHiPs Visitor

First of all, please don't try to tell me that you don't get my CHIPS joke here (as lame as it may be), because it's impossible that everyone in the whole wide world (and of every generation thank you) hasn't seen CHiPs from back when Erik Estrada was hotness in his CHP uni.

Just don't even try to tell me that.

However, if you're singing the theme song in your head right now (too) - bonus points!

For what, I don't know, but they're bonus points so just take them and like it.

NOW - on to the Adopt a Crop update which is:

Pickle Chips (are you getting the joke now? No? Geez.)

As in, we have hamburger-ready pickle chips as a result of the lemon cucumber seeds planted in my garden back in March, that sprouted in April, put out new leaves a few days later, germinated with ferocity, set blooms in an All Natural Cage-Free environment, and then set fruit at a rate unequaled in all of gardendom.

So then, last weekend I stood toe-to-toe with my new enormo Cuisinart and set out to make chips of those cucumbers, if it was the last thing I did.

Why yes, that IS me reflected in the stylish chrome facing of the food prep. Whoopsy.

And yes, it was very dramatic.

Of course, the real drama came about three weeks ago when I had some of my first lemon cucumbers and decided, on a whim (those nasty dream-crushing whims) to test out the Supah Secret Slicing Blade that had until earlier this year been hiding away in my cupboard.

And oh was I excited to put this newly discovered piece of kitchen gadgetry to work!

Sadly, it was not to be.

And why not?

Because the Food Tube (why do I love this term?) on my weeny 3 cup food processor bowl was too narrow for the likes of my bulbousy (new word alert!) lemon cucumbers. Oh sadness.

I tried jamming it in there extra hard (whoa), but alas, all my Forcing It skills were no match for the too-small food processor.

And then I think you know exactly what I did. I went to Amazon and hunted down the largest food processor (Cuisinart only though, thank you for playing) I could get my greedy hands on and then purchased a 14-cup monster that could adequately manage the girth of my cucumbers.


And when that baby arrived? Oh mutha, did we have a moment.

I *may* have hugged this beast to my bosom. *MAY HAVE!*

You don't see any bosom prints, do you? Well then. Now who feels silly?

Anyway, throughout my whole shortish long run on Saturday morning, all I thought about was making pickle chips, because that's how ridic my life is, and when I was done running (and showered, dressed, fed, etc) I set out to make this dream come true.

To say that this Cuisinart is the perfect tool for a Cucumber Take Down is to put it lightly. This beast made those cucumbers his bitch.

And that, my friends, is what 7 lbs of cucumbers look like as chips.

And quiet?

Holy. Super quiet. Not at all like the freight train I have in my 3 cup processor. I don't get it.

But this isn't a review of the Cuisinart. This is me telling y'all that I have now produced Pickle Chips from what originally was nothing more than a $2.95 packet of seeds. And that I'm ready to ship a jar of pickle chips off to a lucky pickle chip lover.

Hint: It's one of these jars.

And, GOOD NEWS, this year you don't have to wait for them to, like, stew in their own juices for six months or whatever. OH NO. This year I used a magic pickling spice that, hold on to your britches, actually infused these chips with lip puckering dilly-ness in 24 hours.

This was the pickle taste test. PASS.

Oh yes. I've tried them. They are dill-icious.

Oh my god. Spank me for typing that last sentence. I am disappointed in myself.

Anyway, they're good is what I'm trying to say. And you can eat them direct from the jar when you get them and call them Pickle Appetizer like I do when I want to justify eating pickles with a fork from the jar or in a big pile as though they are a proper meal or snack.

That's 4 1/2 total quarts of snacks right there.

Which I believe they are.


If you voted for Lemon cucumbers/Pickle Chips or you like pickle chips (remember, these are dill - not fruity disgusting SWEET pickles which are the devil) or you've read along with this riveting account of crop-ness since spring and feel you're owed something, feel free to leave a comment by 8/16/09 stating your desire for pickles and I'll pick a name via the random name chooser thingee, alert the public as to the winner and send out Erik Pickle CHiPs Estrada for a visit.

Super cool sunglasses and suggestive uniform not included.


  1. Hey ma'am, if you have your new humongous food processor are you looking to sell your old one? If so let me know and I'll take it off your hands. And I will pass on the pickles because I always preferred Starsky & Hutch.

  2. So, does it count that I have just drooled all over my desk and keyboard? I mean that should count for two entries. I had to use a couple of paper towels to clean up the mess!
    Oh...and if you ever decide that you need to get rid of the new Cuisinart...I could rehome it here for you!

  3. I totally want some pickle chips.
    I am too busy eating my cucumbers to actually make pickles out of them, so I definitely need some of yours.

  4. I have never had homemade dill pickles. As a child,I was subjected, more than once to the disgustingness of homemade sweet pickles. I really feel that only the awesomeness of your dilly pickles can take away the trauma of my childhood.

  5. Wow-7 pounds of cucumbers? Impressive! I have the 11 cup version of your beast and I love it so very much. Did you follow a specific recipe for these pickles?

    Plus also, I want a jar of your pickles. There-I said it.

  6. Your pickles are so pretty.

    Wait. That sounds wrong.

    Pick me anyway!

  7. Oh, I love me some pickles. Some dilly dilly pickles which are *intended* for burgers and sandwiches but which will most likely go straight from the jar right into my mouth on their way to said burger. Which may or may not actually exist.

  8. I want pickle chips!! And I'll even pick them up from you in person, so you don't have to deal with the annoying mailing part. Just sayin. Oh, and we should do another doggie playdate at the beach sometime.

    juliej at gmail

  9. I just want to win so I can see the faces of the front desk staff when they see that I get pickles in the mail. They already suspect that I'm a little "not all there" and this should tip them right over the edge, and then some. HAHAHAHAHA!

    Also, I'm not privileged enough to have a garden (I may have mentioned this before), so I have to live vicariously through yours.

  10. I'm sure you will not take offense when I tell you that I don't want your pickles (my cucumbers are just starting to take off, and I can already see I will have MORE THAN ENOUGH for all the pickles I could ever eat--and that's a lot), but I DO want the food processor. My pickles are boring ole spears, because I'm not about to spend hours cutting pickle chips by hand. And this is where the food processor would come in handy. To say nothing of whipping that basil into pesto submission in no time.

    I've already started dropping hints (okay, actually, outright requests) at my house. I expect a food processor to come my way sometime soon, or I'll know the reason why.

    P.S. My word verification is "spents." After all your naughty cucumber jokes, all I can think of is, "And . . . I'm spent."

  11. So yummy looking. I will put my name in the imaginary hat for some pickle chips!


  12. OMG FINNY PICK ME PICK ME! :) I love me some pickles, and although I think I voted for tomatoes that was only because I couldn't vote TWICE dude! :)

    I totally love your new toy, it's beautiful.

  13. Ooooh, those look YUMMY. I want some! Do you ever drink the pickle juice when your pickles are gone? I'm not saying that I do that...just curious...

  14. Decca - Sorry doll, still gonna keep the wee food prep for less girthy jobs and also because the base also functions as the base for the blender (it's one of those dual things), so if I were to sell it, I'd have no way to make margaritas. Sadness.

    Starsky and Hutch were also awesome. As was Knightrider, Magnum PI and, to a lesser degree, In the Heat of the Night.

    Just to put that out there.

    Claudia - No rehoming necessary - see above. However, I am impressed that you drooled two paper towel's worth on your keyboard.

    Eliz - Yes, we'll need to get to eating cucumbers around here rather than me swatting Bubba's hands away from them as they go into the food processor. I'm so mean.

    Eeyore - Ew. I feel for you. Sweet pickles are a particularly nasty type of food torture.

    Alevin - I halved the recipe on the dill spice packet (because I had half as many cukes to can as they had in the recipe) and then used the canning directions from my Ball Blue book. Pretty simple - make the brine, put the sliced cukes into sterilized jars, pour the brine over the top, seal and wait 24 to eat. Your vote has been counted!

    Eliz2- Aren't they though? With the lemon cukes I was afraid they'd look grody, since they're not the typical dark green, but still, I like 'em.

    Dawnie - It's only somewhat necessary to have the theory of a burger somewhere in the distance. Eating pickles as a meal is fully acceptable.

    Julie - Ah, you're a smartie :) Maybe we do a dog date and I bring you some regardless. I do have a dozen half pints after all.

    Amy - So many good reasons! You're good at this game.

    Kris - Sorry, no sell-y the food preppy - see above. Plus, you need the biggest food processor you can get your hands on with all that crazy production in your garden. 3 cups wouldn't do you.

    Kahne - Imaginary hat accepted!

    curegirl - Aw! Well, you'll be happy to know there were many tomatoes planted, just not the scary ones. Maybe next year ;)

    Kara - Why yes, I have enjoyed the pickle juice as a refreshing briny beverage and I'm not afraid to admit it. Also, if you happen to have four pounds of green beans with which you need to dispatch, that jar of pickle juice is a handy fast way to make dilly beans. Just trim off the ends and jam them in the jar. A few weeks later and VOILA - dilly beans. Super easy.

  15. I need some of those lovely pickly chips!! Cause all everybody around here wants is the disgusting sweet kind. blech

  16. I wasn't actually hinting that I wanted your old food processor. I don't want any silly little OLD thing. SNIFF. I want a huge, brand-new hunk of slicing gorgeousness. Only the best for me.

    Or, you know, whatever my husband ends up buying me.

  17. I love CHIPS, I mean pickle CHIPS. Either way...yummy.

  18. I think the lemon cucumbers are so-o-o-o cute, so the pickles have to be gorgeous! Right? So put me in the hat - even tho we have tons of cukes I will NOT be making pickles!

    But, I really wanted the sunglasses!

  19. Oooooo!! I lurve pickles! And, I like to sip out of the pickle jar when I'm hungover. Replenishing salts and whatnot.

  20. I've never had lemon pickle chips, but I LOOOOOVEEEEE lemon cucumbers and I feel equally passionate about pickle chips. I'll keep my fingers crossed...

  21. Yum, yum, yum. good for you! I'm trying canning again next weekend with a prickly pear party. I will be emailing you for help.

  22. me, me, pick me!

    I want some!

  23. Um, is it possible I once dated that very Pickle CHiP pictured? I (heart) pickles...

  24. I would love to win some of your lovely pickle chips.

  25. Love the chips joke.

    Agreed that sweet pickles are the devil.

    I love pickles and just mentioned that I can't get enough cheese and bread as of late but I surely should add dill pickles to that list too. Will you share the recipe?

  26. me too! me too! i would love to try your pickle chips! perhaps i will be lucky enough to get some before my birthday this year. if not, pickles are a welcome winter birthday gift. ;)

  27. picklelicious! I voted for lemon cucumbers!!! The pickle on your plate (hee hee-dirty) is so pretty, it looks like a flower.



  29. Mmmm! I'm salivating just from the photos!

  30. I have to say, I haven't seen pickles done like this before where they're in perfect stacks in the jars. They look so...TIDY!


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.