Big Times = bye bye Zero Barrier

Today's was going to be a great post.

One with lots of pictures that would make you either want to drool or come over and use my new Cuisinart or maybe cut up a Tshirt or grow something edible in your yard.

But I hadn't been able to decide which thing I'd bang on about because I did all these things things over the weekend and they all came out really well and as planned and I took pictures to show you how sometimes I'm not a total fuck-up but then I forgot to move my camera cord to Today's Purse and whoopsy, no can uploady pictures without the cord.

Boo.

So, while today's post is 100% Foto-Free (or some equally contrived and misspelled tagline that would make my eyes bleed if I saw it come across my TV), it is not without Big Times.

And you know how I like to report on Big Times, given that it's part of the premise for, like, 10% of my posts. I am apparently not very creative but instead just really dramatic. Sorry.

Today's Big Times, however, is regarding the Garden Tracker.

Do you remember this? Have you been checking it? Or, more likely maybe, have you been tracking your own garden's progress and harvests? What? You're not a dorky garden loser like moi? I do not believe.

Anyway.

The whole idea for the Garden Tracker, if you'll recall, is to track my monetary investment in the garden and then the harvests from said garden so then I may figure out how much money I'm saving by growing my own shit rather than trading Whole Foods one of my legs for weekly produce or how much aggravation I'm saving myself by not having to carry home loads of produce from the farmer's market on Saturday morning after a long run.

Not that I'd ever really do that, but you can imagine the sweaty ridiculous hassle I'm hypothetically sparing myself.

And as far as Big Times go, hitting Zero Barrier on the tracker is about as Big Times as the garden gets after you tick off the ripening of the first tomato and the planting of the garden itself.

And for those of you who still haven't gone and watched Armageddon as instructed or surmised the true meaning of Zero Barrier on your very own, it means that garden has gone from red to black.

Uh-oh to Oh yeah.

Deficit to surplus.

Debit to credit.

Expense to profit.

ie. it went from costing me approximately $91.34 to returning me $39.08.

And that's only the return through yesterday, which doesn't take into account the big money harvests I'm hoping for from four tomato plants that haven't even gotten into full production swing, the corn that is boasting at least two ears per stalk, the lemons that are still green on the tree, the kumquats just starting to set fruit, the artichokes yet to ripen or the cucumbers still buzzing with bees on blooms.

What I'm saying here is that there's a lot more to come. And if you think this sounds all braggy, you're right. I'm totally bragging. I'm totally getting all, "Check out how little old me in my suburban backyard with only four veg beds and busy life can grow enough organic produce to feed our household for FAR less than it would cost me to go to Whole Foods and buy it."

And more specifically, "Hey! Look how none of my tomatoes cost me $64 to grow."

Not to say that I grew my garden this year to explicitly prove that a tomato needn't cost $64 to grow in one's own backyard, but being able to show you the numbers and let you draw that conclusion on your own is definitely a bonus.

Even if you don't have to draw the conclusion on your own because I just told you that it didn't cost me $64 to grow a single tomato. Call it my favor to you - the drawing of that conclusion for you, on your behalf.

I'm such a giver.

Anyway, I'm not going any farther down that road since I think you know what I'm getting at so let's instead revel in some random My Garden trivia from the first half of the season.

Call it the Garden's All-Star Break:

• My first tomato weighed in at 1.125 lbs
• I've harvested (so far) 14% of my body weight in green beans (don't do the math)
• The first round of pickling resulted in 4 1/2 total quarts of dill pickle chips
• We have one AWOL crop
• Our gifted cherry tree produced just over 1/2 lb of cherries in its first season
• *The cilantro bolted in a record 3.4 seconds

So, yay. We've gotten through the first half or so of the garden's season and have gone over to the plus side of the balance sheet. Which, if you're me or another variety of anal-retentive spreadsheet lover, you'll likely find this highly enjoyable. If you just like fresh garden produce being harvested in jammies and an old ratty sombrero, well, rest assured that your gardening dreams are coming true, too.

Let's hope the second half of the season is as good as the first. **And that we somehow clinch the wild card despite our burning desire to suck out loud.

* I have no idea how long it took the cilantro to bolt, but it happened very, very quickly and I estimate that to be approximately 3.4 seconds.
**I don't actually expect the vegetables to clinch the wild card, but sohelpmehanna if the Giants don't at least get the wild card slot, I will be Angry.