An anniversary list that probably won't make you barf. + RECIPE

Not that I'm a marriage expert or anything, given I sometimes still refer to Bubba as my boyfriend - whoopsy!, but I thought I'd commemorate this year's #5 anniversary with a list of things I've learned while being married to this man, Bubba.

What happens when someone had too much Whikkey! around the campfire the night before.

Not all of them are marriage things - in fact, we'll see if ANY of them are marriage things - but all of them are things that make me glad I married this man. Even if he does things that make the dialing of 911 a daily possibility.

The existence of the titanium camping spork.

I've learned:

1. how to dial 911 without looking at the phone's keypad. While applying direct pressure.
   
2. the names of a million geezer bands. And how to identify them on the sound system at Mojo Burger.
3. how to rock climb.
4. how to make Bs & Gs well enough to pass for "Real Bs & Gs" instead of that canned bullcrap you get at chain breakfast places.
5. how to open a beer bottle with a lighter.
   
6. how to change the brake pads and oil on my car.
   
7. the best way to insult a live band taking requests. (Play Freebird!)
   
8. how to shuck an ear of corn.
   
9. that it's called The Nam, not 'Nam. Although this point is still debatable.
   
10. how to smoke a brisket. And a chicken. And make awesome BBQ beans. All at the same time.
11. that it's 100% acceptable to watch cartoons as an adult. For an entire afternoon. With cocktails.
    
12. how to wire an outlet.
13. the Redneck Road Trip snack: RC cola and a moonpie.
    
14. how to play Hay! via cell phone.
    
15. how to build a one-match campfire.
16. the best way to appreciate my sports teams. (Compare them to his sports teams.)
    
17. the importance of bacon in all things.
    
18. how to ski black diamonds and trees.
19. that a pry bar sometimes IS the best tool for the job.
20. how to cook corn on the cob so that it's just right.

And, as I expected, none of these are marriage things. Because, really, what do I know from marriage? I've only been married for five years and we're like big children in our house, what with the moonpies and playing with fire and watching cartoons and all that.

So, I can't give marriage advice, but no one really wants that anyway. No. What people want is a good easy way to make corn on the cob without boiling the fuck out of it.

And now I will tell you how. Courtesy of Bubba, his mom's fool-proof method for cooking fresh corn on the cob and the blessed midwest where corn grows as far as the eye can see. Which, incidentally is far, given the extreme and desperate flatness of the place. Sheesh, Kansas, I get it! You're flat! Enough already.

MiL Corn on the Cob

Recipe by my MiL. Handed down by Bubba. Made by me.
No changes. You don't change MiL recipes. That's dangerous business.

Ingredients
Corn on the cob, shucked - one or more ears per person, you decide
Water
Clean kitchen towel


To make
Soak a kitchen towel in luke warm water and wring it out.

Wrap the shucked ears in the towel and heat in the microwave for 1 1/2 - 2 minutes an ear.

There may be tomatoes ON the towel, but don't be fooled. There's corn inside.

It's not crucial that your microwave light be busted AGAIN for this recipe to work, but it helps.

Remove with hot pads because WHOA they'll be steaming.

I don't think I have to tell you that I initially did not use hot pads and was thusly burned. Duh.

Unwrap with said hot pads and serve as is. If the bitches want butter, salt, pepper or otherwise, let 'em get it themselves. Like I have to because Bubba doesn't believe in these things getting between him and his corn whereas I am a bitch and like all of the above.

Just so you know.

And feel free to have a full-on starchfest, complete with gnocchi.

Happy Anniversary, Bubbs.
I love you tons and you're still the funniest fucker I know.