Tuesday, December 20, 2011

On the ninth day of What the Effmas...

...9 candy canes out of ONE MILLION faced the same direction and stood straight on this one dude's lawn while the other 999,991 lit up this Christmas-themed rave.

8 cars were inconvenienced in the taking of this photo because OBVIOUSLY,
7 choices were set out for the dog's festive dumping,
a 6 foot polar bear kidnapped an unidentifiable inflatable creature,
5 snowmen taunted me from around this off-season May pole,
a 4 foot high elf busted in on Santa taking a merry crap in the most festive of outhouses,
3 deer randomly perched on the roof of this house and ate sprouting sky debris from the gutters,
2 bitches set this tree on fire,
and there was this traitorous douche with his infuriating countdown.

Look, my beef with these stupid never-installed-properly candy canes is well documented. They never look good. They're never straight. They never make sense. They never do anything other than provide odd looking runways for holiday aliens to land on people's lawns or provide unnecessary confinement for other decorations looking to potentially flee their blinking homelands.

These candy canes are apparently as unsuccessful at keeping deer out of the garden as the so-called deer fencing my mom wraps futilely around her rose bushes, but alas, there they are reigning in the flighty Christmas tree.

I just don't know why people bother with them honestly, or why they're not ever hung from the trees themselves, in a manner reflective of ways I've *actually* seen candy canes used during the holidays.

Don't people decorate Christmas trees by hanging candy canes from the branches sometimes? No? Have I been wrongfully educated on holiday traditions?

Why aren't there ever any of these stupid glowing things hanging from trees? Is that too predictable, now?

I realize I'm asking a lot of questions that don't have answers, but I hardly think that matters. If nothing else, I've proven that holiday decorations don't make a damn bit of sense except to call out which of my neighbors have lost all or most of their minds.

The sad part is that their sanity seems tied proportionately to the number of decorations setting their yards aflame and my block is positively blazing right now.

Does not bode well for the productivity of neighborhood meetings, I'll tell you that.

1 comment:

  1. Last night I was driving through one of the more upscale additions in my neighborhood (not *my* addition, obviously, which appears almost totally dark this year), marveling at all the seriously beautiful lighted decorations, wondering how these people learned to be so tasteful and artistic. Then it occurred to me - they hired professionals to decorate their yards. Is this kosher?


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.