Wednesday, December 21, 2011

On the tenth day of What the Effmas...

...a train chugged by 10 feet off the ground in the most nonsensical of holiday decoration arrangements to date.

9 candy canes contributed to a eyeball searing Christmas-themed rave,
8 cars were inconvenienced in the taking of this photo because OBVIOUSLY,
7 choices were set out for the dog's festive dumping,
a 6 foot polar bear kidnapped an unidentifiable inflatable creature,
5 snowmen taunted me from around this off-season May pole,
a 4 foot high elf busted in on Santa taking a merry crap in the most festive of outhouses,
3 deer randomly perched on the roof of this house and ate sprouting sky debris from the gutters,
2 bitches set this tree on fire,
and there was this traitorous douche with his infuriating countdown.

Trains are, apparently, the new *It Decoration* this year. I've never seen so many trains scattered across people's lawns, lining driveways or, in this case, stacked individually by car on the stair-stepped railing at this house.

Tell me, what kind of sense does it make to set up a train this way? No train could possibly run this way. Not even as a fantasy in the sugar-addled minds of young children under the influence of SANTA'S COMING and the intoxication of holiday break from school.

Yet, there it is.

And yet, there are all the other trains I've seen set up a hundred different ways that don't make sense. I wish I'd taken photos of all of them, but not until this house did I realize the alarming trend.


Which, depending on whether you're my father (which, only one of you is, so I'm not sure why I expect you all to be on board with this.)(Haha - did you see the pun I just accidentally wrote in there? Yeah, I didn't even mean to, and I would have deleted it because I hate punners, but then I decided to write this long aside that will totally derail the rest of this sentence.)(Hey, did you see what I did again? Another train pun! Wow. This is getting out of hand. Phew! I seemed to make it through that sentence without another train pun. Thank gawd.), may or may not actually be alarming.

My dad is a train guy, is what I'm getting at. And, if he were to see all of these train decorations set up in all of these ridiculous ways, he'd probably have something to say about it, but since he's in Mexico doing what lots of Jews do during the winter holidays (other than eat Chinese food and wait for Hanukkah for their socks), he won't ever have to know. And for that we can be grateful because if you think that *I* bitch a lot, well, let's just say that I come by this trait honestly.

My dad is the King Ranter.

Regardless, the train thing has me confused.

Why wouldn't you, People Who Decorate Their Houses For Christmas With Lit Trees and Trains, wind the fucking train around the fucking tree like a normal person?

I mean, is that TOO OBVIOUS? Are you trying to be EDGY with your train placement? Don't want to be predictable and mundane by putting your giant glowing, tooting train decoration around the base of your flashing, bleeping tree like they used to in the olden days? Is that too old-fashioned? Are you trying to be cool for the kids?


I'll never understand you people. And by You People, I mean those of you who think that a train can run down a stair-stepped railing as though it's built on human legs instead of wheels that run on tracks.

You People also don't understand the meaning of "moderation", I see.

1 comment:

  1. Totally digging your "What the Effmas" posts.


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.