Monday, December 19, 2011
...8 cars waited and honked behind me while I feigned holiday merriment and enthusiasm by blocking traffic to take this photo because OBVIOUSLY.
7 choices were set out for the dog's festive dumping,
a 6 foot polar bear kidnapped an unidentifiable inflatable creature,
5 snowmen taunted me from around this off-season May pole,
a 4 foot high elf busted in on Santa taking a merry crap in the most festive of outhouses,
3 deer randomly perched on the roof of this house and ate sprouting sky debris from the gutters,
2 bitches set this tree on fire,
and there was this traitorous douche with his infuriating countdown.
I hope you know the danger I risked by taking this photo so that we could all sit here in a merry ring of holiday judgement and gasp in amazement that someone owns a full-sized sleigh and eight life-sized reindeer and then, when they're displayed on their front lawn, they're not even the most startling thing to look at.
No, that would be the gumdrop wonderland of bullshit leading up to the aforementioned startlingly huge reindeer.
I mean, the rickety facing-every-which-way candy canes would have been enough to get a second glance out of me, but the blue shrubs (why blue? WHY ANYTHING AT THIS POINT?), green tree trunk, rainbow sugar plum tree, nutcracker-esque guardsmen and far off Christmas tree put me over the top.
I had to stop the car. I had to roll my passenger's window down, tell them to move their GDF head back so I could take this photo while flipping the bird to the jackasses swerving around me into oncoming traffic because I'd stopped all forward motion to capture this eye-swelling delight of holiday horror to share with y'all.
Hey, these people are asking for it by dressing their house that way. Whores.