Thursday, November 08, 2007

I have come across another annoying side effect of Daylight Savings Time (because there are so many, I have begun to take note). And that side effect would be my inability to see poo in the dark.

Yes, people. My life is very glam. I am, at least twice during my day, seeking out a steaming pile with a blue plastic baggie over my hand. If the dog comes to work with me, which is fairly often, those occasions increase in frequency since we go out for walks during the day so that she can make piles and I can experience these things that I hear people calling "breaks".

I'm not sure how the dog is able to create so many piles throughout the work day (only during break-time, mind you, she is very well behaved and house broken, etc) while she limits herself to only two piles during non-work days when she stays home and avoids the cat - but whatever. They happen and I expediently dispose of them thanks to the aforementioned blue bags that have become a must-have accessory in my wardrobe.

But then Daylight Savings Time happened and suddenly our morning walks, which were strategically orchestrated to end up in a well-lit park, are now light as high noon and our evening walks, which were willy-nilly affairs where I would wander aimlessly through the neighborhood avoiding the spastic Weimaraner that enrages Jada, are now dark as all get out and it's causing me problems in the pile collection department.

Why don't I just change up my routine and walk her to the well-lit park at night, you ask? Because that would mean an upheaval of my established routine and I won't stand for it.

No, instead I hunt around in the dark, narrowly missing the piles with my feet, so that I can adhere to my passionately coveted routine and also not have to go to that park at night when there might be, *gasp*, children there. SCARY.

Last night was particularly dicey as the dog made her pile in the darkest dark lawn I've ever had the occasion to walk past. I believe it was not a lawn, but instead a tear in time itself where all light, mass and everything were sucked into the tear producing a void I refer to as "way dark".

And then when she was clearly done with her pile-making (as evidenced by her victory lap and immediate "sit/stay for treat" positioning) I set out to bag the business. But I couldn't see it! All I could see was the "way dark" and then a house with well-lit windows where potentially suspicious neighbors were probably lurking waiting for me to leave the pile unbagged on their lawn in an unneighborly way.

I had a momentary struggle of ethics which went something like,

"Dude. I can not see the damn poo. Where is the poo? If I can't see the poo, how can I bag the poo? And if I can't bag the poo, what will happen? I'll have to leave the poo?"

"Dude. You can't leave the poo. That would be shitty. Ha ha ha..."

"Fuck you. Find the poo."

"Dude. I can't. It's too dark."

"ARGH! This sucks. I hate looking for poo. Is this my life?"

"Yes it is. And you better find the poo. Because if you don't you're going to be *that guy* and then you won't be able to bitch at all when someone leaves a pile on our lawn. And what would you do if you couldn't bitch?"

"Dude. I would die."

"Yes. So, find the poo then. I suggest you remove the dog's collar with the blinky thing on it and use it as a spooky blinking flashlight."

"TAH-dow! I will do that."

"Do you smell something?"

And so I proceeded to put the dog in a stern and serious Sit/Stay which consisted of me piling up a lot of treats on the ground, telling her to Sit and Leave it while I took off her collar (with the blinky thing on it) and turned my back while she sat denuded and unrestrained in the most cat populated area in the Bay Area.


But, I'll tell you what, I found the poo (FINALLY), bagged it, put the collar back on the dog without her killing a single cat, let her eat all the treats and then tossed the bag into the "way dark" lawn owner's trash can which was conveniently set out at the curb for this morning's trash pick up.


And yes, I have gotten past the whole "don't use a neighbor's trash can for the dog's luggage" thing because I remember an attorney that taught a class in college telling us that trash at the curb is public property, which makes rifling through it (and probably putting things like bagged poo in it) OK.

Don't you judge me.

Anyway, it was such an ordeal that I've resigned myself to ever-embracing my Inner Dork by wearing my headlamp when walking the dog at night from now on.

I just can't be hunched over people's lawns questing for poo in the dark. That would make me look crazy.

Oh, and yes, I did just write a whole post about poo.


  1. Oh, and yes, I did just read a whole post about poo.


  2. bless your heart for going to such great lengths to pick up the poo. come to italy and teach them a thing or two about poo etiquette- PLEASE!

  3. You should try asking Santa for a flashlight! ;-)

  4. Plastic Bag... free

    Collar with blinky thing... $20

    Being Italian and ignoring pooping dog in front of The Pantheon and walking away chatting on cellphone... Priceless

    (I have never seen so much poo in my life as in Rome, they have Paris beat by ummm kilometers)

  5. I don't have the dog poo experience, but I've been with children in a very dark movie theater (NOT changing diapers, I should add). I have taken a small flashlight that would attach to my key chain and use that as necessary. I think I found it from the dollar store.

  6. Oh, and you know what? The older I get the worse my night vision is. Seriously.

  7. I completely sympathize! It is just so hard to see! Do you think we can feed them something that will make their poo glow in the dark? That would be awesome.

  8. Hey Finny,
    You are Hilarious!
    I just found your blog, very enjoyable...and I’m learning about sewing too.
    Thanks and keep em coming.

    Ps, wearing your headlamp while walking the dog and looking for poo is not dorky.


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