Monday, July 23, 2007

I often find myself jumping back and forth over the line between "Don't be a puss - forge ahead" and "Call it a loss - start drinking".

Basically any time I am faced with a situation without an obvious (read: easy) answer.

Example: EASY

Its Friday night. Its about 7pm. Bubba and I are hungry. Do we:

A. Fumfer around in the fridge for the last item of fur-free food
B. Order pizza

Answer: B

Example: HARD

Its Saturday morning. Its about 7am. I am ready to go for an eight mile run. As I prepare to step off the patio, I turn on my iPod. Or rather, I look down in disbelief when the screen freezes on song 1 and no noise comes out of the earbuds.

No go.

I press all the buttons a lot of times and in varying sequences. Nothing.

Big Head Todd is on the screen, but no sound is coming out and the progress bar is unmoving. I start to scream inside.

I slide the Hold button back and forth and press the buttons some more. Same - nothing. I say the requisite amount of swears.

I start to spin around squeezing the thing with all my might while swearing, kicking the air, jumping up and down and lightly begging the universe to reach into this machine and make it work.

ARGH! Nothing! Big Head Todd mocks me. There will be no Come On.

Then reality starts to set in - I might have to run WITHOUT MUSIC.

NO. *sweating*

I run back in the house and begin to shamelessly whine to Bubba about what a POS my Nano is (the very same one he gave me for our anniversary last year) and how could it break at a time like this and what am I going to do and oh my god it sucks so bad and I HATE EVERYTHING.

Bubba then takes the iPod from me and promises to fix it and why don't I just take my other iPod while he sits down with this one and gives it a very serious lecture about pissing me off.

Oh. Ok.


I decide to take my other iPod even though its not as dainty and small as my Nano and I stomp off to find it and shove it into the little mesh hip pocket that now protrudes enormously making my hips all the more curvaceously hideous.


I finally leave the patio with music playing in my head rather than the rant against Apple that had begun to brew moments before. I also realize that I am a very special kind of spoiled brat that has more than one iPod and yet can still complain with 100% enthusiasm.

Four minutes later a dog bites me.

Yes. A dog the size of an ugly shoebox leaps (unleashed, might I add) from the side of its negligent owner to run beside me yipping its stupid small head off while owner yells pointlessly after it, "Marci! Marci! Marci!" to which the dog responds by grabbing my pant leg and nipping my calf.

I do not kick the dog. I just keep going and resist the urge to flip off the owner who is now not scolding the dog, but instead cooing and reassuring it as though I was the one who jumped off the sidewalk and bit its leg.

That woman may be the recipient of future Thursday morning dog walks when Jada and I have made the rounds and I now have her *luggage* to drop off. Normally, I would wait until we passed the bus stop trash can and not take advantage of a personal curbside can, but I may make an exception where this woman's can is concerned.

About 15 minutes later, that'd be about 20 minutes into my 80 minute run, my iPod freezes.

NO! This can't be happening! No sound is coming out! Evil Deja vu!

I begin to run and panic - two activities that should never be combined because the result is a frantic mess that resembles a mutant fleeing the scene of a crime.

After consulting the iPod screen and seeing an exact replica of the nightmare vision seen only minutes before - a song frozen midstream and totally unresponsive to repeated fist slammings - I rip the earbuds free, wind them angrily around the thingee and stuff the whole giant mess back into my now totally overstuffed and unflattering hip pocket.

I surge the next quarter mile of my run on pure molten rage.

The "Apple Can Rot in Hell" firestorm begins to swirl again and I reaffirm my devotion to my ThinkPad and all things PC-related.

Fuck Apple and their stupid iPods - I don't need them!

I have now broken two iPods, been bitten by a dog and am facing a good 60 minutes of running with only the mind-numbing harmony of my own labored breathing to keep me occupied.

Do I:

A. Spike my iPod in traffic, turn around and walk home in a huff.
B. Forget that my right hip is now swollen with useless electronics and muscle out another 60 minutes to the tune of rude "Woo-wooing" passersby and morning traffic.

Surprisingly (since I'd made a practice of being as bratty as possible all morning) I decided to man it out.

Tiny voices saying things like, "Running without headphones is good - you should try it" and "Bubba can fix anything even stupid iPods" chimed in and I managed to get through the run without flipping out and lunging headfirst into traffic.

I won't go as far as to say that I enjoyed running for 60 long minutes without the fabulous playlist that Bubba built for me, but it didn't suck nearly as bad as I imagined it would. Mostly because the dull roar of traffic is slightly louder than me when I breathe, so I didn't have to try to ignore my annoying breathing patterns the whole time.

I don't know why this bugs me, but it does. Listening to other people breathe bugs me, too. Especially if they have a nose whistle. Trying to deal with these situations takes years off my life. Seriously.

I did, however, come across a neighborhood vegetable garden the size of two football fields when I randomly swerved away from my normal path. This had nothing to do with my iPod death match, but it was a nice surprise and allowed me to momentarily forget the disaster my long run had become.

If only every time I forged ahead I was rewarded in such a way. Perhaps I'd spend less time at BevMo wiping out their aisle of gin.


  1. um seriously, i've done this (minus the dog bite). except it happened at a gym in scottsdale and i wanted to throw my ipod over the railing, onto the meatheads below so it annoyed them as much as it did me. smacking it did no good either. as soon as i got home, i made sure my OTHER ipod worked. we suck...kinda, not a lot.
    i found your blog via kelli, whom i've recently gotten to know. she talks about you a wee bit and now i know why. we seem a little bit alike...

  2. Hmmm. You know, I've never been a runner 'cause for so many years I couldn't run. But now I, this will probably be a stupid question. Does having the ipod keep your mind off of the fact that you become increasingly out of breath? E.G., does the music distract you from your pain? Hmmm....maybe I need to get an ipod....

  3. OMG, don't tell me ALL THIS happened before we chatty chatted on Saturday morning? I have newfound respect for your bombshellness, listening to all my ranting and raving after your morning travails. What a woman.

    And, thanks for keeping the PWBATTCCA tradition alive. POS isn't just "point of sale" anymore, folks!

  4. I wouldn't have lasted 15 min without the iPod distracting me!

    Maybe you can take pics of things you really like (such as that gardenspace) and rig them up to hang out ahead of you as you run, so you always feel like you're running towards something really's that for a distraction?

  5. You are too funny! When I am on the treadmill I often have a book, tv and other people to watch. I need LOTS of options to keep me working out! I would have cried I know!

  6. Dude! Did you get them fixed? I know that horror well. I really need a new ipod, but have been dragging my butt. I did 8 miles Monday and thought of you. We have to pick a winterish half to do together. What do you think?

  7. I understand your pain!!! FWIW, I've had this problem a couple of times and the "reset" feature on the Apple support website has worked both times. It's like a 20-second process.


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