Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Out of spite

This was totally one of those times when people don't know who they're messing with...

Bubba and I went out to buy a case of wine (this doesn't really need explanation does it?) and while we were making the short walk from car to shop, we passed a new store.

A CANDY one.

Like, a real candy shop. One that was certainly fashioned after the one in the Willy Wonka movie. And I don't just think that because they were playing the movie on a flat screen at the back of the store and because the whole store was a near replica of the candy shop from the movie. No, I came up with that parallel all on my own.

After we bought our case of wine (first things first, people) and stowed it safely in the truck, Bubba followed me back to the candy shop so I could *look around*.

And look around I did - with my camera. Because, hello, I'm who am I am and that is a person who takes a lot LOT of pictures. So, there I was, in this fanciful store, enjoying the impressive and colorful array of every candy known to man, having a grand old time pretending to be the proverbial Kid in Candy Store when I heard a meek pre-teen countergirl voice twittering to Bubba to the tune of, "You can't take pictures in here.", or some such nonsense.

To which I heard Bubba reply (while I slyly continued taking photos), "So, should I tell her or would you like to?" In a tone one might describe as cautionary with a hint of knowing fear.

It was at this point that I chose to holster my weapon and gaze coldly at the countertwit.

Me: Am I not to be taking photos?

Twit: We're not really supposed to let people, no.

Me: Huh. That seems retarded.

Twit: Silence

Me (to Bubba): Doesn't that seem retarded.

Bubba: Yeah, they clearly don't know who they're dealing with.

Me: Obviously. Now let's try some of this alledged gelato and look for my RingPops already.

Bubba: Good idea.

And it was too, bad, too because I was just starting to write a very different post in my head which went something like, "This new candy shop is a haven and filling a void in my soul.", but because it's me and I'm sensitive to things like 12 year olds telling me what to do, my post is taking more of a "Fuck 12 year old twits trying to be The Man in my new candy store and I'll do what I want because don't you know WHO I AM?" kind of tone.

Who am I, you ask? Probably not anyone they should really be worried about, honestly - but at the time, I *knew* I could take down the whole chain if I *really* wanted to. I had Milton strength.

Instead I ordered a little cup of mint chip gelato (Excuse me Senor, but I said no chunks in my gelato, NO chunks. But it had chunks in it, big chunks of chocolate, floating in the gelato.) and went about my hunt for the ever elusive RingPops.

Now I'm no certified gelato expert or anything, but I don't suspect my gelato was authentic given the giant chunks of chocolate jammed right in it. Granted, it wasn't bad - for ice cream - but it wasn't gelato. Not that heavenly pure flavor that you get with good gelato. But it came in a cute cup, which nearly sliced off my tongue when I went to retrieve an errant drip and a swirly cookie deal that was actually the highlight of the experience. Not that I won't go back and try other flavors, but I'm just saying - soft ice cream is not the same as gelato.

Meanwhile, I found my blessed RingPops and will be returning to collect them so I can fill out my jewelry collection like a proper four year old. Plus, I need to get Bubba some candy cat poo, bubble gum cigars and Toxic sour trash cans because that is what gets him going.

Here's a collage of the Illicit Photos. If I end up in the clink, I'll thank you to come bail me out.


  1. It looks like a fun candy store. Too bad they wouldn't "allow" picture-taking. I wonder if they get a lot of people who come to take pictures (???)

  2. I'm slightly embarrassed that I had to click over to eBay to figure out the Milton reference.

    Very funny.

  3. Oh my God. I am going to lose my job if I keep reading your site here. I am laughing so hard {at this: Fuck 12 year old twits trying to be The Man in my new candy store and I'll do what I want because don't you know WHO I AM?"} that my boss just came in my office. And all I could do was point at the photo of Bubba in the Sugar Daddy hat and snort!

  4. Jess-

    you crack my stuff up. That andy vaughn is one fine piece of ace...

    Viva la lumberjack!!! (I'd put the updside down exclamation points in front but my keyboard is lacking)

  5. Suhweet!!!!
    (pardon the pun)
    don't you love being told by a child, that is likely too young to have been babysat by you what to do? What were you going to do with your pictures? create your own shoppe? I mean if you have the wonka movie, you don't need the photos. Love the pictures thoug!!

  6. You're funny! I'll be back here, that's for sure.

  7. Aaaaaah! There's the photo for the next newsletter! Bubba cleans up so nicely.

    And I will gladly chip in a few bucks for your bail funds.

  8. Yr blog is always funny. Thanks for the laughs.

  9. Ok, first off: WHO is anonymous?? Do I smell a fellow LJ veteran? Said anon wasn't a part of PWBATTCCA, was he/she? Reveal yourself!

    Now, onto the post: 1) I had a store here in Rome tell me I couldn't take pictures (super snobby owner) and there went her chance at totally free publicity. SO LAME!

    The candy store looks awesome and I saw "Franchise" above the logo. Now, here is the million dollar question: would this concept fly in Rome? (I guess if it didn't take off, I could eat down all the stock.)

  10. 2) Just because you can't have a list with only one thing in it, right?

  11. My son would LOVE some of that cat poo candy!!!!! Of course he'd totally take it to school and get sent to the principal's offce YET AGAIN, but that's beside the point. LOVE that story too!!! So funny!!


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.