Friday, December 05, 2008

Fugliness! Join in!

'Tis the season for gathering round the fire with friends and family to share in the unique joy and gratitude that comes with the holiday season. To rejoice. To hope. To celebrate.

NOT to break into the realm of yard decor if you are of the No Talent persuasion. Or if you're insane. Or if you're This Guy.

See, while this may appear to be the most random assortment and placement of lights and holiday finery one could imagine, it's actually set up EXACTLY the same way it was last year. I can root around and find the 07 photo if you like. It's so exact, in fact, that even the haphazard placement of the candy cane trail there has been reconstructed to mimic last year's design perfectly.

Planned Fugliness. I had not expected this.

We want that "our house just rolled out of bed" look.

This guy inspired me to start up the Fugly House Contest again this year when the radiation exposure I suffered from its glowing beams caused the paint to melt on my car. And while the sheer coverage is enough to get this guy in the running for Fugliest House 2008, the fearless and unending blinking sequence was what really put it over the top.

You can't tell from this still photo, but the house is signaling,
"We stopped eating in August in order to support our holiday bedecking." in Morse Code.

I don't have a photo of this house from last year, with which to do a year over year comparison for replica verification purposes, but I imagine this guy has a blueprint of his light scheme stretched out over the pile of milk crates he calls a dining room table. And I'll bet the planning for this fiasco began early in the year, perhaps even before he made a skin suit from the remains of squirrels found pressed to the pavement in front of his house.

Only a psychopath would decorate in such a fashion, is my theory.

"These decorations have SO paid for themselves over the years. If only Santa would get a job."

The arrangement here isn't all that remarkable, when compared to its nearest neighbors, until you consider the fact that it all went up the day after Halloween. And has been running/blinking/polluting the night sky and their neighbor's bedrooms with its neon glare ever since.

If I lived across the street from this guy, I'd have cut the power to his house months ago. The way I see it, his neighbors are just letting him slide.

And so, if you couldn't tell already, I've begun again my holiday tradition of pointing out the most heinously decorated houses I see (or am physically wounded by) and I encourage you to join in on the fun.

If, for whatever reason, this isn't something that you enjoy, feel free to come back at a time when I'm banging on about something more benign, like knitting or gardening or how one can go about putting down a 3 lb pot roast in a 2 person household without throwing any away. Yes, we're proud of our Leavin's Abilities over here.

And, it's probably best if you avoid leaving me comments about my grinchiness or "but I bet they were just doing it for their kids" or whatever because, while these may seem like valid points to you, I think displays like these are only valuable in the entertainment they provide for ME.

While I make fun of them and question the inhabitant's sanity.

If these people are "doing it for their kids" then they should be ashamed of themselves. Much like I imagine their kids are of them.

However, if you're like me, and find the increasingly aggressive holiday decorating pattern alarming, and you need to seek therapy by way of cooperative bitching - please feel free to shoot me photos of your Fugliest to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom and I'll happily oblige you by putting them up here so we can all point and laugh.

Happy hunting.


  1. I can't join in, because I have only two neighbors, and they're not very close.

    And thank GAWD for that, because if I lived next to these jackasses, I'd have to get out the shotgun.

    Oh yes, we have one.

  2. Well now I'm terrified. You and Bubba will be coming over next week for dinner and, well, we have Christmas decorations up. Not much, I swear! But you're going to hate it, I just know it. Oh the shame! Well be embarrassed to open the door. You'll lose all respect for us (assuming you had any to begin with). But we'll ply you with liquor so perhaps you won't remember.

  3. Our neighbors have the seizure inducing light show, while a house around the block has taken up every square inch of a tiny yard with inflatable, light up, animated atrocities. Only my 3 year old who thinks snow boots and swim trunks look good together likes them.

  4. I'm completely disturbed by this ridiculous new behavior in decorating. There's a house near my sister's in Redwood City that has an actual Santa. A guy that sits on their lawn and has kids sit on his lap. Creepy, huh?

  5. Kristin - Oh how I wish you'd decorate your shotgun and use that as your entry into this foul contest of mine.

    It wouldn't be fugly, but it sure would be unique. And death-defying. Two things I find enjoyable.

    Decca - Does your entire house blink?

    Have planes started landing on your lawn?

    Will we be able to feel the heat generated by the fan running your inflatable ferris wheel more than a block away?

    I think you're safe. Plus, I will get fantastically drunk and forget the rules to mah jongg (oh, as THOUGH I ever remember them), so you'd have ammo in the event I ever did make fun. Which I will not. Because I know you're not insane.

    I've never once seen you making a skin suit in your house, is how I know.

    SAHM - So when are you sending photos? I feel like we all need to evaluate that particular brand of crazy.

    Thank you for also pointing out the IN-validity of the "well, the kids like it!" comments by clarifying exactly why it makes no sense to base the decoration of your house on a 3 year old's tastes.

    Nell - OH NO THEY DO NOT.

    You must photograph this for me. Or tell me where it is so that I can photograph it. So that we ALL can make fun.

    Wow. That's really something.

  6. Planned Fugliness. That's good stuff.

    My neighbor "planted" plastic flowers all over her front year this summer. Whole bouquets of bird of paradise and roses in the dirt. She hung a giant cobweb from her pine in October. Both decorations are still there. I wonder if she'll get festive for the season? Hmmm.

  7. I think most of the houses in neighborhood are doing really nice, with more stylish/classic decorating, but there's a few offenders. One's using amazingly bright blue LED icicle lights around the ENTIRE HOUSE (lights up the neighborhood!), and another has lit up fake TULIPS in front of their house! UGH!

    And thankfully, NO ONE in our neighborhood has gone the way of the inflatable. I'd LOVE to get a pellet gun and drive around. We wondered how much money we could make, hiring ourselves out as an inflatable yard decoration assassin!! "Neighbors' have offensive inflatables in their yard? For $50/inflatable, I'll take care of them for you...and you can claim ignorance!" ;-)

  8. We have a house that starts decorating every inch of their house in July. There is so much crap that someone should seriously call the fire department. The stuff is so filthy dirty and the house is dirty and smells like shit. Why do people do this and then ask for donations? This house puts them ALL to shame.

  9. Oh finally somewhere to share my disdain for these displays. I must send a picture of the house that has not only Santa and the baby Jesus on the front lawn, but Homer Simpson and Tweetie Bird too. Yikes!


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.