It lives outside my brain now

I've been rocking a really hot canvas tote bag draped over the passenger headrest as a trash bag for a long time now.

And every single day I come out of work to find my car in the sea of Priuses I'm always annoyed that it's the ugly ass tote bag strap that tips me off that this black Prius is my black Prius.

Unless I'm parked with the car's ass facing the building, in which case it's the "I'd rather be watching SportsCenter" license plate frame that tips me off, and then I'm pleased. No one else has one of those around here and, frankly, I'm not sure how many people working here have actually heard of SportsCenter, but whatever. I love it there and seeing the logo makes me happy because I'm nothing if not brainwashed by flashy TV logos and sarcastic sportscasters.

But most of the time it's the tote bag strap that I see and it makes me sad. Like, certainly I can do better than THAT, kind of sad. And because of this sadness, I have been hatching a plan for a new trash bag made from scraps (because it is a trash bag after all - can't be spending all this money on fabric for a bag that will hold old wads of gum and grape stems) that will, at once, hold my car trash and also probably have a pocket for other car necessities like dog treats, poo bags (not full ones ew) and flosser heads. Or whatever normal people carry in their car.

Kleenex? I see that floating in the back window of a lot of cars. Maybe I'll buy some Kleenex and put it in the pocket. WHO KNOWS? I COULD TRY TO BE NORMAL.

Anyway, this thing has lived in my brain for a really long time and on Sunday, when I realized I didn't have enough fabric to make my new sun hat but I'd already set up the machine and everything, I decided the Not Ugly Car Trash Bag needed to be brought to life. If only so that I could have that section of my brain back for crucial mulling of things like what I might wear tomorrow or if I use Barge on the embroidered Prius emblem would it restick to the floor mats.

These are important things that need careful mulling, people, and with my regained brain power, I might actually solve these mysteries in our lifetimes wow.

But for the trash bag - it is very awesome, as I imagined it would be, and I haven't even used the extra pocket yet. So, I have not yet begun to fully realize it's true awesomeness, but I know that moment is coming soon.

I designed this simple creature in my own brain, so there isn't a pattern to which I can direct your hot steaming eyeballs, but if you like, I can provide a short-ish tutorial in the event that you too are sick of the ugly trash sack taunting you from your passenger seat OR (horrors) you don't have a dedicated car trash bag and are just, say, throwing cigarette boxes and dry cleaner receipts on the floor of your car like an animal.

Or whatever.

Short-ish tutorial for Not Ugly Car Trash Bag

Materials:
1/2 yard of main fabric (lightweight or decor weight cotton is fine)
1/4 yard of contrasting fabric (same goes here for fabric)
1 1" quick release clip

Cut from main fabric:
1 18"x 4.25" strap
1 8" x 4.25" strap
1 10.25" x 9.25" front pocket
2 16" x 9.25" main pocket

Cut from contrasting fabric:
3 13.5" x 2.5" binding

To sew:

Make the straps

Step 1. Press the straps
Fold fabric wrong sides together lengthwise. Press. Then open up and fold long sides toward the center crease you just made. Press. On each short end, with long sides folded toward the center, fold corners of your short end down toward the center crease and then fold the new point you just made toward the center crease. This will create a point like seen below. Then fold wrong sides together lengthwise again and press.

In short, act like you're wrapping the end of a gift box.

Do this for both straps.

Step 2. Sew the straps
With both straps folded and pressed from Step 1, sew a 1/4" seam on all sides to secure and finish the straps.

Step 3. Attach the buckle
With the female end of the buckle, pull your short strap up through the top of the strap opening, pull through the bottom opening and fold back onto the strap so that the two sides lay together easily without any binding by the buckle.

You could pin it here and then sew, but I can't be bothered to pin things, so I just get it comfy and then sew a box with an X (which I'm sure has a fancy professional name that I haven't spent the time to learn) like you see below.

If you want to get real fancy and show me up, you could even center your box and follow your original strap sewing lines. That'd be something. Something I chose not to do due to my intense laziness.


Now that you have your short strap attached to the female end of the buckle, go ahead and pull your long strap through the strap openings on the male end of the buckle. You can now gawk and stare at your fabulously executed future fully adjustable buckle strap like I did and contemplate your greatness.

Go ahead, I won't judge you. It is awesome.

Make the binding

Step 4. Press the binding
Take all three strips of contrasting material and fold wrong sides together lengthwise just like you did when you were making the straps before.

As in: fold fabric wrong sides together lengthwise, press, unfold and fold long sides toward center crease, press.

Like so:

Then open up your newly pressed binding and lay right sides together with your front pocket fabric, top of the pocket lined up with the long side of your binding.


Step 5. Sew the binding
Sew along the top of the binding just above the first crease from the top. This way when you fold that first crease up and then use the center crease of your binding to fold over the top of the pocket, you'll end up with a nice straight even line like this:

Once you've folded the binding over the top of the pocket, make sure your last crease is folded under against the wrong side of the pocket and sew one final seam along the long ends of the binding, which will magically catch both sides of the binding because of your extensive pressing and creasing like this:

This is also a good time to remark on your own greatness

Repeat these steps to attach the binding for the front and back of the main fabric. Please do not do what I did which was to say, meh, I don't need binding along the top, only to decide after sewing the front and back together that, Yes indeedy! I do want binding along the top, so that I could go off and spend an hour trying to get binding to crease and wrap neatly around the top of the finished bag.

BAD AND FRUSTRATING APPROACH WARNING.

Please save yourself the time and aggravation by just sewing the binding on to the front and back pieces separately first. I promise you'll want the binding on there since it looks so cute and you'll be sad if you do it the way I did.

Just saying.

Step 6. Make the bag
Place the front main panel right side up, front pocket panel right side up on top of that and the back main panel wrong side up on top of that. Like this:


Sew around the bag with 1/4" seam starting on the right side, sewing the bottom and then the left side.

Truthfully, it doesn't really matter which side you start with , but what I'm trying to say is, don't sew the top, because obviously it wouldn't be much of a bag if you sew the top shut is all I'm saying.

You knew what I meant though.

Turn your bag right side out.

Step 7. Attach the straps

Using the side seam of your bag as a guide, center the short end of your short strap so that you have enough of the strap below the binding to sew the box without going over onto the binding and enough of the strap on either side of your bag's side seam to sew a centered box.

Pin your strap in place and sew a box to attach your strap to the bag per Step 3. If you want to get fancy and center things, be my guest. I make no such promises even though I like to think I'm fancy.

Repeat this step with the long strap on the other side seam of the bag making sure to connect the buckle before attaching the second strap to make sure that it connects without twisting.

And you're done.

I immediately ran out to the car to make sure it fit. Which I realize is something I should have considered in the first place and perhaps taken measurements before all the cutting and sewing began, but I am crazy like that and don't have a good excuse. Good thing was, it totally fit, adjusted nicely with the buckle to hang just so from the back of the passenger seat, and is now awaiting the filling of its front pocket with something useful like maybe some Windex wipes or a snack.

Wait, do I want food so close to the trash? I don't know. I'll have to think about what goes in there. A nail file?! Yes. A nail file for sure.

Meanwhile the trash bag part already has a water bottle to recycle and some other horseshit that was languishing in the cup holder.

Perhaps now that the awesomeness of the Not Ugly Car Trash Bag has been revealed, Bubba will want one for his truck so that his loving wife doesn't have to wade through Red boxes and Coke cans in order to get into the passenger seat.

I mean, I don't know, but maybe.

UPDATE: If you make a Not Ugly Car Trash Bag (even if it turns out ugly or you drive something other than a car - it doesn't have to be exact!), add your photos to the Flickr Pool.