Something else to do with the squash I killed [RECIPE]

So, the secret's out - I yanked the squash like the cold heartless garden bitch I am because OH it was getting in the way of a volunteer tomato plant and potential pumpkin and we can't have that at all.

Also the squash plant attracts squash beetles and they are BAD so, bye bye stupid squash and hello tomato and pumpkin.

Yes, the pumpkin is also a squash and could also attract beetles but I like pumpkins better due to their jack-o-laternability so I'm willing to risk it. Plus I didn't know what to do with all that squash anyway so there you go.

Speaking of what the hell do I do with all this squash, I found something else to do with it aside from stuff it or saute it or bury it in every sauce and pasta dish to hit our table.

I baked it.

And not like baked a stuffed squash or something, but actually used it to bake biscuits which I didn't know I could do and now I'm a little sad that the squash is almost gone because apparently it is a very versatile vegetable if you can get past the beetles and the growing over everything else that it does.

Once again, I have my Garden-Fresh Vegetable Cookbook and its gifter, Shelley, to thank for solving my What the hell do I do with all this problem.

Best part is that this recipe called for julienneing (there's a word for you) the squash and HEY Y'ALL I recently bought a mandolin after many years of fantasizing, so I was all set to julienne my ASS OFF.

And I did. For about a minute. Because that's all it took to take the squash from this:

to this:

Wow. SOLD. Look at the little matchsticks! They're perfect! I could do this all day! What other squash recipes call for julienneing? I'll make them now!

Wait, I'm making biscuits. Right.

So, the magical recipe also known as Zucchini Cheddar Breakfast Biscuits transforms a giant squash into 2 cups of perfect matchsticks that get turned into 1 cup (after draining and squishing) of binding goop perfect for biscuit makin's.

But, waitaminute, are these biscuits going to taste like goopy squash? Because I really can't think of anything more repulsive.

As it turns out, no. They're pretty good! And I bet they'd be even better if I put in the bacon it called for, which I will next time because we all know everything's better with bacon.

Wouldn't you like to make these biscuits with all of the squash moving into your guest room? I bet you might.

Zucchini Cheddar Biscuits (No piggy)
Adapted from Andrea Chessman's recipe in Garden-Fresh Vegetable Cookbook
My changes in bold

Ingredients
2 cups of julienned summer squash
1 tsp salt
3 cups whole wheat flour
1 Tbsp baking powder
2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp fresh ground mixed peppercorns
4 Tbsp cold unsalted butter, cut into cubes
1 cup grated cheddar
1/4 cup buttermilk

Toss the squash and salt into a colander and let it hang out for half hour. At that point you can squeeze the water out of it and end up with a nice 1 cup wad of squash goop.

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Sift the flour, baking powder, baking soda and pepper into a bowl and cut in the butter until you've got a coarse crumb texture going on. Then mix in the cheese and squash with a fork and then add the buttermilk. Stir it around with your fork until it forms a nice stiff dough.

Flour your counter or a board and turn the dough out onto it for a brief kneading session where some of it will get stuck to your fingers, but that's OK. Just flour your hands more and stop whining. Roll the dough out and use a random glass from the cupboard to cut biscuits into the dough. I found our highball glasses worked nicely, but if you want to get all technical you could use a 3 inch round cutter like a prissy pain in the ass.


Put your biscuits on a baking sheet and toss in the oven for about 15 minutes. Don't burn them or they'll taste like ass.

Not that I know because mine came out perfect. For once in my sad biscuit-burning life.


Hey, do you also want to know what I just learned because I'm so behind the times? I know what "mock apple" really is - it's SQUASH, people.

Yeah, I turned the page in the cookbook to find a hundred mock apple recipes (OK, like three) where the apple is squash. That is so not right. And if you already knew that mock meant squash, well, I'm very proud of you for your big brains, but I didn't know that and now I'm feeling a little taken advantage of. Just another story my mom made up for us so that we'd just behave already.

Just like the car won't start until you have your seatbelts on and don't eat ketchup it's made of worms, I now have hunnie, mock apple is the same as apple just eat it to haunt my childhood memories.

What's next? Hammy didn't really go live on a farm with other hamsters after I saw my dad clubbing him with a shoe?