Thursday, May 22, 2008

I'm not even mad.

There's a careful balance in our house that I never EVER want to upset.

Specifically, I do the cooking and Bubba does the dishes.

It is very rad because that means I get to master plan meals like a mini-psycho Iron Chef (without the cow eyeballs like they do on TV) and make them without having to take any time or mess saving measures to avoid having to do ONE MORE DISH OH MY GAWD I CAN'T MANAGE IT.

This is important because it means that I won't leave out a crucial ingredient like, say, the pork in Ultracrunchy Baked Pork Chops, just because it's going to mean I have to clean another bowl or pan or cutting board or whatever.

I'm very lazy and we know this.

I mean, I'm very enthusiastic at the outset of a recipe. I put together my careful little shopping list and go hunt down all the ingredients from where ever they may hide (even if that means I have to buy poppy seeds in bulk at the fruit stand three hours from my house on a trip to my mom's so that I can have them on hand for bread WHATEVER) and then I regroup in my kitchen, put on my apron, spread them all out before me and then dive in like a witch at her cauldron all sure of myself that I'm about to create something fabulous and incredible that will knock the socks right off of my beloved YAY!

But once that fabulousness is all plated and then eaten with glee, the thought of doing dishes is enough for me to start checking my steak knife for sharpness.

When Bubba gets up from the table and clears our dishes and walks to the sink with the determination and focus of a Marine - To Do The Dishes - it is really quite swoon-worthy. I love it a lot.

AND SO - it is important that we don't upset the man as he's making his way through these dishes. We want him content, satiated and well-stocked with supplies with which he can achieve the utmost cleanliness of dishes.

So when I hear groaning and scrubbing and scritching and swearing and then also see the handle of my favorite and most well loved skillet flicking around with annoyed rage, I have to investigate.

Even worse is when I slap the skillet down on the stove-top as I'm preparing my witch's brew of fabulous dinnerosity and hear Bubba ask me in his most Don't Hate Me When I Suggest This But Please voice to maybe use more oil in the pan because it's impossible to get the burnt-on ugliness off after I sear the ever loving crap out of the chicken on there.


But wait? That, my love, is a non-stick pan. Everything should just wash right off. No scrubbing required.

Not so.

It seemed, after four years of almost daily use, that my beloved 10" Calphalon NON-STICK skillet had somehow become SUPER-STICK. As in, every fucking thing was sticking to it and was not coming off. As in, Bubba was having to use a gallon of soap and scorching hot water and all manner of elbow, knee and toe grease to get it even marginally clean. And it was making him mad.


What if he won't do dishes anymore? What if I have to start doing them? WHAT IF I DIE DOING DISHES?


Idea: Send that shit back and tell them it's broken.

Assumption: They won't give a rat's behind and will keep my skillet and send me a Xerox of their asses.

Reality: One week after shipping it to them with a note detailing my inappropriate devotion and love for this pan, a brand spanking new one shows up on my doorstep, no questions asked. And frankly, no details supplied. Just a new pan.

Which is fine by me.


So, Bubba is coming home soon from his worldly travels and I have a lot of cooking in store. Cooking that will involve my brandie new supah slippery very easy to clean 10" Calphalon Contemporary Non Stick skillet and no cow eyeballs whatsoever.

But maybe some pork.

Calphalon people - I like you guys and won't talk shit about you here like I do other people that piss me off. Good job!


  1. Wow, what fabulous customer service! I may go out and buy a Calphalon just for that! Has Bubba tested out the new non-stickiness yet?

  2. Yay for Calphalon (which I don't have) and husbands who do dishes (which I do)!!

  3. Holy Crap! You're a genius! And not nearly as lazy as you think. WE're lazy. Our Crapalon skillets (8 and 10 inchers) did pretty much the same thing -- except all that non-stick stuff started flaking all over. So we chalked it up to old age death, pitched them and went out and bought some more. Never occurred to us to send them in. I guess we're their ideal customers. You're my idol and when the current skillets lose their stick, I'll follow your lead!

  4. Guys that do housework are so hot!

  5. I think that if you get non-stick too blazingly hot, it negates the non-stickiness of it all, and then you are sad. For really high temperature searing, heavy stainless steel or cast iron does a better job, anyway.
    I had the same experience with my lovely kitchen-aid stand mixer - I used it about five times, but then we moved into a tiny house with a tiny kitchen and I didn't use it for a year. Then when we moved again and I got it out, I used it once and then it died. Out of warranty, of course. I called them, and they sent me a new one. In a better color, even! Awesome!

  6. Three cheers for a company with excellent customer service! And yay for Andy coming home SOON!

  7. OK, this story is beautiful on so many levels. I agree: it's super important not to upset the delicate balance of a man cheerfully taking on your dreaded chores. And, for me, washing the dishes after cooking a meal? DREADED CHORE. I will reload the dishwasher later, quietly move stuff around behind my man's back so it's on the proper shelf -- whatever it takes.

    I'm so glad peace will continue to reign in your kingdom. :)

  8. I'm going to start sending back busted gear. I thought customer service was a joke for any large company. Hell, I just moved and getting our phone lines hooked up was a crisis.

  9. I am a consumer complainer. I have gotten many replacements and free items for vocalizing my discontent. Good for you!

  10. Lynn - I know right?! Makes me want to start using my other Calphalon stuff more just knowing it's not going to end up in the trash with no replacement in sight. Bubba's not home yet, but I had to wash it after dinner tonight (GASP I KNOW) and it came clean in the super slipperiest way. RAD.

    Kathi - We are such lucky SOBs.

    Anna - DUDE! Send that shit back! Even if they do just send you a copy of their asses, it'd be worth it.

    Wendy - I could not agree more.

    Ginger - Kitchenaid mixers are THE best. I love mine like a family member. I'm glad to know that they'll replace it if it goes bad. Mine is so regularly worked, it's in pretty fine shape, but you never know. I tend to devastate and destroy things.

    AfricanKelli - Seriously. On both counts.

    Meg - Peace will reign and he can put shit away in whatever spots he wants as long as that dishwasher and I remain acquaintances only.

    Concrete - It is almost a joke in our house now. Bubba thinks I can make any corporation do anything I want. If I were to list all the customer service goodies I've gotten over the years just for my greasy-wheelness...

    Lera - You and I might be kindred spirits. It's almost like a sport for me. I love it!

  11. We too have a Calphalon nonstick pan that is super sticky. But you're telling me I can send it back to them and a new one will arrive on my doorstep? This is amazing.


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.