Saturday, July 07, 2012

The Best Iced Tea Ever. Yep.

I'm just stopping everything to tell you guys about iced tea.

Because it's amazing iced tea and everyone should know how to make it since it's summer and everything but also because it marks one time in my marriage and grown up life when I was a total grown up.

I know. I could hardly believe it myself when it was happening.

See, when summer rolls around, one of the first things I like to do is get the big jug out of the garage, wash the Garage off of it and then fill it with water and a few tea bags and set it out on the back porch for the day to make sun tea.

Ah, sun tea - it's that refreshing summer drink that requires only laziness and water and a few tea bags to create.

And that's where I was going wrong all along.

Except I didn't know it.

The tea would look good, after a hot afternoon of brewing in the summer sun on the back porch, but it was always a bit weak.

It'd get pretty dark, but then I'd pour it over a few ice cubes and add a lemon wedge and...meh.

It was still sun tea, which I loved, but it never had that strong brewed tea flavor that I really loved and found when I got iced tea in restaurants or whatever.

But whatever - I didn't really think about it. I mean, besides me, who really cares how fabulous iced tea is, right? It's iced tea, not, like, tomato sauce.

Until last summer when Bubba totally and aggressively attacked my iced tea making skills.

I realize that is a weird thing for a husband to attack.

Frankly, I was kinda pissed off at him for a while because I couldn't understand why a man who has pledged his soul to the omnipotent coffee bean gave a rat's behind about iced tea to the point where he was ready to go the mattresses over it.

He'd never ordered it at restaurants. He never drank it at home. He barely ever drank MY iced tea. So, like, what the hell did he know about iced tea anyway? Just have your coffee and lay off of my iced tea already you freak why are you attacking my iced tea making skills this is bizarre.

It was a weird conversation - as so many are with the two of us.

Anyway, that was last summer.

We had a few random convos about how my iced tea was weak and he could show me how to make it better and I was all, dude I don't think I need this kind of instruction in my life and he was all, dude your iced tea sucks ass and we called it a draw.

Or, well, I chose to ignore him because that is what wives do when they feel that their husbands are being ridiculous meanwhile we are busy being totally right.

Or not.

I was not right.

And I am here to admit that my beloved Bubba, who is often annoyingly right and brilliant, was once again right and brilliant.

The man knows how to make some fucking iced tea.

But, before I get to this amazing fucking iced tea recipe, please let me regale you with the tale of how I acted like a total grown up.

It was really something to behold.

See, on 4th of July, Bubba asked me where the drink coolers were that I used to make iced tea.

You can imagine that this got a raised eyebrow out of me. The man was clearly about to challenge my sun tea kingdom and was asking for my key to the war chest.

It was a bold ask.

But, because I'M A GROWN UP I totally told him that they were in the garage with the catering stuff (we have catering stuff, I feel like I've told you, but if not, let me know. It's not that exciting of a story, but it explains why I have four dozen place settings and a ton of other catering type stuff like multiple sizes of drink coolers taking up valuable space in my garage.) and he went out to fetch one of the drink coolers.

Then he asked where the tea bags were.


But, no, I told him. In the cabinet with the canned goods. Fine. BUT THAT'S IT. I WILL NOT TELL YOU WHERE THE WATER IS FOUND. THAT IS A FAMILY SECRET.

Somehow, he already knew. Crafty bastard.

Anyway, then I promptly forgot about his iced tea crafting and went to go pull things out of the yard or something.

Then later I returned to find a full jug of the darkest, richest looking iced tea in the drink cooler in my fridge.

Well, I had to taste this for myself.

I was sure it was going to taste like horse piss. Really dark brown horse piss. Which, ew.

Alas, it was amazing.

Like, AH-mazing.

Of course, the smug douche was just sitting there at the bar while I experienced this discovery. With a sweet and innocent smile on his face, just reading Reddit on the tablet and drinking a beer and not even paying attention to me while I sipped the most perfect iced tea in all of mankind.

That he had made.

It was, like, offensively good. All brew-y and lightly sweet, but not from sugar or anything, just from the natural sweetness of the tea leaves and it had flavor and UGH - it was infuriatingly good. I couldn't even pretend to deny it even though my first thought was that I should spit it out into the sink as though it was wretched but that would have been a terrible crime against this masterpiece of iced tea.

Instead, I stood in front of the open fridge, in front of the gloriously full jug of this incredible iced tea, and sipped heartily, feeling the caffeine hit my bloodstream. It was a delight.

Then, as a life-altering epiphany washed over me, I stepped back from the fridge still clutching my glass of iced tea like it was my woobie, closed the fridge door and went to stand before him.

"Bubba, I think you need to sit down."

"Uh, baby, I am sitting down."

"OK, well, that is a good thing because what I'm about to say to you is going to make you weak in the knees."

"OK." *still clicking through Reddit*

"Are you adequately prepared to embrace what I am about to tell you? It's wild."

"Yes." *still clicking through Reddit*

"You were totally right."

*Silence*Stunned fucking silence*He stares.*The Reddit clicking pauses for a brief moment.*

"This is the best iced tea I've ever had and you were right that my iced tea sucked and I didn't know why you were being so aggressively weird about my shit iced tea but now I know why and it's because your iced tea is the best fucking iced tea ever yep and I was brewing horse piss. You were right."

*Little corner smile appears on his face* "I know."

"SHUT UP! I'm being a grown up right now!"

"Uh huh."

"This is a big moment for me. I'm being really mature. I'm admitting that you were right and I was wrong and also that when I die I want a burial at sea - a sea of this iced tea!"

"That's just weird."

"I know. But this iced tea is real good. Good job."

"Thanks, freak."

"Now. Tell me how to make it so that I can tell the world."


"WHAT!? Don't you keep this a secret. YOU MUST TELL ME THIS THING DAMN YOU. I'm being mature!"


And then he told me. Because I'm sure he felt like this was a good time to fuck with me since he knew that I was at his mercy because of his superior iced tea making skills. But I'm not a cruel bastard like that so I will not make you beg.

I will just tell you.

It's pretty amazing. As far as iced tea goes anyway.

The Best Iced Tea Ever. Yep.
Recipe by Bubba

Makes 2 gallons
6-8 Tetley tea bags (or some other black tea)
2 gallons of water
1 sliced lemon (optional)

To make

Plop your tea bags in the bottom of the drink dispenser all mamby pamby like.

This may be more mamby than pamby but it hardly matters.

Add about 4 cups of steaming hot water (doesn't need to be at a rolling boil, we're not making soup, here).

Another "right and brilliant" moment for Bubba was when he suggested we get a hot water dispenser. LOVE.

*SECRET THING ALERT* Slosh and stir around those tea bags until you have created what I am now calling a Tea Roux.  Yeah, it's a thing now.

Tea Roux. Write that down. It's a new thing I've invented. The name anyway.

Once you've created an opaque witch's brew of Tea Roux, add cold water.

"Right and brilliant" moment #3: Filtered water from the sink tap. Hallelujah this man is a genius.

Fill it up about 3/4 of the way.

Perhaps the caffeine was already in my system and that explains the shaky photo. Sorry.
*SECRET THING ALERT* Reach into the tea (with clean hands please, you fucking animals) and scoop the floating tea bags off of the surface. SQUEEZE THEM DRY INTO THE TEA.

Don't puss about.

Seriously. Squeeze the ever loving crap out of them. Think of it like therapy for your deep seated personal issues. Then toss the tea bags out as though they meant nothing to you. NOTHING.


Put the lid back on your cooler and put it in the fridge so that the spigot is positioned at the ready. Put a bowl of sliced lemons next to it.
If you want to also have fresh eggs and strawberries in there, go ahead. I'm OK with it.

Fill up a glass with some ice and a few lemon slices and GO TO EFFING TOWN. Just don't spill.

I have been drinking it nonstop since the 4th, so I'm operating at SUPER CAFFEINATED LEVEL #100. It's a good time.

Also, enjoy it, because THAT is how iced tea is supposed to taste.

Thanks, Bubba. You're right and brilliant and I love you. SEE HOW MATURE I AM?

Also, thanks to Bubba's buddy, Brad, who I also love very much, because he taught Bubba this trick gleaned from his times working in restaurants and banquets. As Bubba put it, "If you need to make an assload of iced tea for a late lunch rush, this is how you do it. According to Brad-o."

And don't you know that we do listen to Brad-o.


  1. I've only ever had sun tea. I am going to make this NOW.

  2. Well done, Bubba. My own personal husband makes the best hot cocoa in the entire world. I have handed over all cocoa duties to him. And Bubba is obviously the tea man for the rest of time.

    And well done, Finn, for being all mature and then sharing with us the tea recipe. We use Barry's tea bags, and I will probably be making this in the very near future when my sleep goes all to shit and caffeine is the only thing keeping me from face-planting into my eggs in the morning. In other words, after this next kid is born, it's all systems go on multiple cups of coffee AND tea.

  3. My husband has an iced tea maker (yes, it was one of the few items he brought with him when he drove from Wisconsin to California in May) works in kind of the same way but instead of putting cold water in, you fill the glass jug with ice cubes and the hot tea goes on top. Kind of the same thing.

    Personally, I'll stick to water, milk, and coffee. Or wine. Or rum. But not beer. Beer is icky.

  4. You own't even be surprised that the only tea I drink is the NesTea in the plastic container only after adding a shit ton of sugar so it ends up being like a tea-kool aid hybrid. ;)


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