Thursday, July 14, 2011

Team Melons - you're effed.


I say, "Dong" ever time I find a new cucumber on the plants. Or when I see a cucumber I've seen before on the plants. Or when I weigh one and it weighs almost half a pound. Or when Bubba walks around naked.

Because it's all dick jokes and gin cocktails around here, friends.

(Because of the cucumber garnish.)(GET THERE FASTER, PEOPLE.)

But seriously, Team Melons, you're looking a bit effed right now. And by, "effed", I mean SUPER FUCKED because your melons are moving slow as shit and the cucumbers have already put out two dongs. Even though the first one was the size of my thumb because it's one of those sour gherkin types that old Jews like pickled. Also, young Jews do, too. And naked gentiles!

Look, every strange niche audience loves kosher sour dill pickles, regardless of their size.

Also, I believe these audiences (and possibly others, though I can't speak for mainstream society because, obviously.) also enjoy watermelons. Which is unfortunate because the likelihood that we're going to see a lot of those this year, enough to feed the masses of freaks who love these fruits, is awfully slim.

Yeah. And this is the BIG one. EFFED.

It's not been hot enough for the watermelons, so they're not even putting out flowers yet. It's basically sad in the melons department. Like, they're alive, but they've clearly decided to rest on their laurels and just amuse passersby with stories of years passed, when they were big and abundant and being forced into too-small boxes against their will.

It was a glorious time of produce abuse to be sure. And they're really riding that gravy train. As though it will even get close to making up for their below average performance this year.


We'll see. Maybe temps will warm up and the melons will pick up the pace. Maybe the nasturtium will get the hell out of the way and let the melons drive. Maybe Bubba will walk out to the garden in the nude and give the watermelons some motivation to get to work.

...because obviously melons are motivated by things that look like cucumbers...YES! You get it.

...because Bubba usually walks around our yard nude while carrying cucumbers...YES! That's exactly what I meant.

I love how intuitive you guys are.

So yeah, that's the update on the bitter rivalry between boobs and dicks in my garden. Dicks - 2, Melons - 0.

Now I'm going to go spend the weekend with Africankelli, if you don't mind, because this gal really needs some girlfriend time and also a lot of drinks.


  1. I need a fun weekend, but that's not going to happen. No. I'm going to figure out how to reattach a ghetto carpet to my broken stairs because YAY my cats hate the carpet and are actively trying to remove it.

    In other news, yay Team Cukes! ;)

  2. Give Nelson some scratches for me :)

  3. This might be my favorite thing you've ever blogged:
    And by, "effed", I mean SUPER FUCKED

    And yes, drinks? Fun? Best weekend ever? Right. See you tomorrow, doll!

  4. Thanks. Now whenever I read the word "Bubba," I think of dicks and dongs.

  5. This is the kind of post that makes a drink come out of your nose mid-slurp not that I would know...ha ha love this post!! You might want to close that cute half door in your backyard...

  6. Really, now. Did ANYONE really think any vegetable or fruit in the world could win out over a cucumber? No way. Cucumbers are unstoppable. Much like their compatriots in garden domination: zucchini.

    And, in your case, chard.


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

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Sucks, right?

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But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.