Thursday, February 17, 2011

Adopt a Crop: Choose sides

Let me admit something to you, my gardeny friends, when I ordered seeds this year, I got greedy. I ordered everything I wanted and didn't leave a bare patch anywhere for guessing.

Cilantro, Thai Basil, Sugar Baby Watermelon, Lettuces, Random Carrot, French Beans, Banana Peppers, Pickling Cucumbers, Snack Pack Watermelon, Big Leaf Basil

This is good because it means I probably won't fall too far afoul of my own rules not to go buying every fucking thing I see at the nursery once spring arrives, but there's the bad side, too.

The side that says that there's no room now for a crop to be chosen and adopted by you guys.

Back to the good side, though - I have guilt. Like, I like doing Adopt a Crop and forcing you all to follow really closely some chosen crop and then at the end of the season I give away something preserved from that crop. 

I like that - it's fun and it reminds me to do a contest every now and again so that you'll come back here and love me. Plus, it gives me a reason for all my gardenblahblahblah that's sanctioned by you, ya big freaks.

So, even though I don't have an empty plot for you to fill with one of four choices given to you in pollster format like years past - thanks to guilt and my own desire to keep this thing up - I do have a way for you to get in on the garden good and early and maybe work up a good violent competition amongst each other.

Because there's nothing I love more than senseless violence inspired by vegetables. Is that even a thing? Well, now it is. I'm starting the vegetable wars.

Instead of choosing a crop to Adopt, you get to choose a team to win. What the hell am I talking about?

Yes, let's see here...

You choose your allegiance based on which crop you think will produce the most poundage.

I like long walks on the beach in my thong Speedo.
I like playing volleyball on the beach in my thong v-string.

And it'll look easy, based on last year's tallies, but this year there are a few things to take into consideration:

1. I'm growing two types of high-yield cucumbers, both of which are larger than last year's "mini" variety
2. Both of these watermelons are virgins in my beds (sex-ay), so I have no idea how productive, huge, small, lively or pest-ridden they may become, so their outcome is unsure. They're also both small varieties and I may not even be able to germinate them properly.
3. These seeds will all be direct sown, so no cheating and buying seedlings if their seeds croak. Given last season's touchy start with the melon seeds, this could be a deciding factor.
4. Both crops seem to have some deep seated desire to go to the beach, so they may both vanish from the garden as soon as the weather warms up.

So, given those random nuggets which are likely of no use to you whatsoever because I know you just want to pick sides and get to kicking each other in the face...go!

Pick yer team
Team Cucumber
Team Melons

Free polls from

You'll have lots of time for sucker punching and eye gouging before the seeds even go in the ground, so just go ahead and bust out your best shit talking now.

Depending on the weather, the amount of work we get done on the beds and the installation of the bees (more soon), these seeds could go in the ground any time between the middle of March (our last frost date is 3/1, suckahs) and the beginning of May.

Lord help us all if I don't get to plant until May, though, because that will mean that we've had another unseasonably cool spring and I am coming out of my skin with WHEN CAN I PLANT MY GARDEN ALREADY tantrums, which will be ugly - at the very least.

At which point I will likely pick a team to root for just so that I can have an opponent to punch in the face. FYI: I fight dirty.


  1. I fight dirty as well, but I'm prepared to root for Team Cucumber. I know it will win because it's the only vegetable I like to eat. So clearly, since I'm so full of win & awesome, it's going to win.

  2. Team Melon is already getting its ass handed to it (which probably means it's going to win) but I'm not surprised that nearly everyone is pulling for the phallic produce (hehe). There's already plenty of melons around here, we don't need anymore representation from that side of the garden.

  3. It's obvious to me that what we're really voting for here are male members (ahem--to borrow a discreet term from romance novels, except I really hope your cucumbers don't throb--EW) vs. boobs. I mean, could there be two vegetables more representative of competing secondary sex characteristics? Therefore, while my gender and female solidarity would compel me to go with melons, I have to vote cucumbers. Because cucumbers, like men, are pushy and aggressive and, well, heavier.

    But I still kind of secretly hope the boobs--I mean, melons--win. They're much more delicious. :-)

  4. Like Kristen, I think you're actually polling us about something completely unrelated to produce. And while I always enjoy a nice, sturdy cucumber, I can't ever say 'no' to nice melons.

  5. It has to be cucumbers. Pickles for the win!!

  6. Oooh, I had the worst time figuring out when Sugar Babies were ripe. Everything I read either didn't apply or was wrong.

  7. I'm definitely Team Cucumber (don't be naughty!) just because of my personal experience plus I know how successful YOU are with the cucumbers (ok, now you can be naughty!).

    Then again - those melon pics really WERE trying to lure me in!

    Team Cucumber for the win!

    Was thinking of you yesterday while walking through the vendors at a garden symposium, and they had people selling their "home grown" honey, plus the book vendor had lots of books on bees... Looking forward to your adventures in bees!

  8. Sara - for your sake then, I hope Team Dong...I MEAN Team Cucumber wins.

    Amy - You're right about that, and that's why I assumed that Team Cucumber would win. We'll see...

    Kristin - Yes, yes and yes. You're right on all counts and you *may* be right about the final harvest tally. Historically, cucumbers have been big yielders around here.

    Wendy - When is anyone ever *really* talking about produce when they're showing you a photo of a cucumber with a mustache? Right.

    Shannon - A woman after my own heart. Yes, pickles!!

    Galadriel - I'm sorry to tell you that I have a hard time telling when my melons are ripe, too. So, get ready to watch a crap shoot!

    Jeph - Oh Jeph. Not for a single moment did I think you'd be swayed by the melons. I knew you'd be a Team Cucumberer all the way. Bees soon!

  9. You are the funniest blogger on the planet.

    Team cuc baby. Although, I totes dig your melons.


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Look at you commenting, that's fun.

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Sucks, right?

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