Monday, February 14, 2011

A shot of hot cheese in your pants

I don't know where it came from, but one of Bubba's favorite random lines to throw out at me, usually at a time when he wants me to smile instead of acting like a crabby horse's behind, is:

A little song
A little dance
A shot of KY in your pants

If you know the origin of this random saying, you probably should keep it to yourself because I suspect it doesn't come from the most savory of sources.

Anyway, I've embraced it because - HELLO - it makes me howl. Or at least, in the case of my crabbier WHY ISN'T ANYTHING WORKING? moods, it makes me stop wailing on the object of my dissatisfaction to watch Bubba jostle his way around the kitchen while singing his short ditty and gesturing toward his crotch.

Have I told you that my husband is the most hysterical man on the planet? This is a fact. I could have it scientifically proven, but then you would all just dislike me for having disproved your allegedly hysterical beloveds and I can't have that kind of discord on my hands.

Look at Egypt? I don't want that in my front yard.

Anyway, let's never speak of politics again, but instead review how this hilarious man and I cobbled together a bunch of random occasions, events and impulse purchases into what we refer to as "What we did for Valentine's Day" for those who have the nerve to ask.

Personally, *doing* things specifically for a certain day sort of bugs me. Not for Valentine's Day specifically, because I'm not in a beef with this particular fabricated event, but choosing a specific day on which certain types of things *must* be done makes me chafe because it most always presents a pain in the ass.

To prove my point, let's take, Today - Valentine's Day, and then consider the *doing* that's supposed to be going on - things like going to fancy dinners, giving of red roses, delivering of chocolates, making of sweet love...Yeah - all are pains in the ass if they MUST BE DONE ON 2/14.

Here's why:
For one, it's Monday today and I don't know how many of you usually go out to a fancy dinner on a Monday night and then follow that up with a rocking night of nude romping, but for me - not so much. I get up early to run on Tuesday mornings and I tend to work all day on Mondays given the pesky full time job I enjoy, so the concept sort of falls outside the bounds of possibilities.

Then, red roses. I, personally, am no fan of these flowers, whether they be in cut form or still attached to their thorny plant that looks ugly in all landscaping Idontcarewhatyousay, but if you get completely realistic on this Rule of Valentine's Day, it doesn't make any sense. Roses aren't in season until May sometime, so procuring red cut roses right now means that you must haul them from another part of the globe so that they can sit all out of place on a desk or sideboard in an American household.

That's just stupid. Plus, daffodils are right there and blooming in my yard right now, so why not daffodils? Are roses SO superior? Do we all love RED so much? I doubt it. Daffodils are super cheerful. Give someone daffodils, I say.

And as for chocolates, I know it seems off to ever charge chocolate with being a pain in the ass, but let's all remember that this is just February and didn't we all turn the corner on the new year and take on some newly refreshed expectations of not being a fucking fat ass in 2011? I'm just saying that pounds of chocolate lingering on your liquor cabinet right next to the couch doesn't really do anyone any favors in the Fitting Into My Jeans category.

Not that I refuse chocolates, I'm just saying that they are a pain in the ass in the grand scheme of Real Life That's Not Holidays.

So, that rant aside, for those who will inevitably ask or be curious as to what two shrieking, dancing, ridiculous heathens like ourselves *do* for Valentine's Day, I will tell you that we did the following things, though with no real expressed purpose other than those which I list below:

  • We rode bikes to tacos on Saturday. But that's what we do every Saturday. We just call them Valen-Tacos when we eat tacos close to this holiday made up by retards
  • I bought us a box of See's Candies' chocolate covered cherries with a gift card from my mommy because obviously
  • I bought Bubba a bottle of bourbon (Woodford Reserve, if you're curious) and a tub of peanut butter cups from Trader Joe's because he was out of it and I have wanted it, respectively
  • We went into SF for fondue on Saturday night because we missed hot cheese in our lives and this is the best place to go for it in the bay area. (FYI - no hot cheese actually made it into anyone's pants. Danger.)
  • I gave Bubba a card that says, "Gimme Sugar" on the front because I wanted him to share his peanut butter cups with me
  • I left a Valentine for our cleaning lady because she's nice, I bet she likes chocolate and maybe this will help her decide not to hate us when she's vacuuming up the multitude of hairballs from the corners of our house today
I think that's it. 

Whether any other Valentine's Day related occurrences will befall us, I have no idea. I've planned nothing. I will go home tonight and cook dinner like I normally would (though we will be having The Best Tomato Sauce Ever. Yep. which is something) and we will have cocktail hour like we normally would and sit in front of our fireplace in flip-flops like we normally would and, I assume, Bubba will have me clutching my splitting sides in hysterics over some thing absurd and/or inappropriate because that's the kind of famously funny guy he is. Also, I clearly like my drink, so that helps.

Happy VD, friends. May your loves burn with the fire of a thousand whores' crotches.


  1. I cleaned up a disgusting dog mess in the back hall this morning; checked the buckets collecting maple sap in a howling windstorm; made breakfast, lunch, and dinner; proofread some incredibly boring legal documents; wrangled Cubby all day; cleaned up a disgusting baby mess in his pants (not cheese--nothing so appetizing); and then read a whole two chapters in my book before folding a basketful of diapers and heading upstairs in order to be in bed by nine o'clock. Happy Valentine's Day to me!

    And to you. And to Bubba. Can I wish your husband a happy Valentine's Day without it being weird?

  2. Matt and I have never done anything on Valentine's Day. Or our anniversary. Wait- we went kayaking one year and we all know how that turned out. But THIS YEAR for our anniversary we're going to Michigan to see a waterfall. One of us may or may not come back. We shall see. ;/

  3. You are a funny, funny girl Finny. I'll be processing that last line for the rest of my boring day! (Oh, and I'm happy to find a kindred non-rose-loving spirit!)

  4. LOVE that last line Finny. I spent the day working on a lesson plan while my boy(11) fevered on the couch. I never left the house to foodshop. We ate out of the freezer while we drank a fine Bennett Family Cab(CA). Then we watched "Shameless", truly it is, if you know the SHO series I am talking about. Aside from the boy, it was a great day.

  5. I love this. Daffodils and no more chocolates! This is the post I should have written. So well done, as usual.

    P.S. I'm assuming you did get a valentine treat from your arizona fan club.

  6. Does Bubba like ice cream? I know he likes lemon. Try this out on Bubba, My husband loves it, he blew right through the first batch.

  7. Best VD diatribe I've read.

  8. Dear Finny,
    You are uber, uber wunderbar.

  9. You have your naughty-sounding expression, and I just about tried a naughty sounding barbecue sauce yesterday. There was a lunch catered by Old Carolina BBQ (, and they had four sauces. I made sure to take a squirt of each between the buns (um), excluding the Screaming Beaver. I mean, hello....that sounds like it's gonna burn!


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.