Monday, February 21, 2011

Other fruit that lends itself to lewd innuendo

I see you're enjoying taking sides with the forthcoming vegetable harvest.

I also see that Team Cucumber is in the lead and that you are all taking this team choosing in the spirit in which it was intended, which is to say that you are drawing your own lascivious conclusions about the team names and their meanings and starting to fan the flames of competition in the comments.

I like that. I like to watch people get riled up about crazy shit. This is probably why I like professional sports and also not-so-professional sports like the strong man competition, for instance.

Watch a dude tow an airplane with a rope? Yes, please. Watch the spectators cheer as though this ferociously huge man-beast is their own personal lord and savior? YES, PLEASE. If only I could get these fans to fight each other while wearing their favorite strong man's face on a Tshirt...

All in due time.

For now, though, I encourage you to pledge your allegiance to the vegetable team you think will produce the most poundage in this year's harvest.

Sound like crazy shit? Right. Now go get fired up about it. Swearing and calling out the other team's fans is heartily endorsed.

Meanwhile, I'm planting more produce for your amusement.

What? This doesn't do it for you?

OK. So that may not bring to mind many provocative thoughts.

Still nothing?

Well, nevermind then. Perhaps grapes - EVEN CONCORD GRAPES - aren't that erotic.

How about now?
Oh wait! Yes they are. I knew it. You also see sexiness when you see grapes.

Anyway, the story here is that I planted grapes. Four Eastern Concord variety grapevines, to be precise. And thanks to sexy Bubba (who refuses to pose in his underwear with grapes - lame.), I also have a fantastically simple and effective trellis for the forthcoming grapes.

Just a handful of eye screws,  galvanized cabling, a few ferrules and a small turnbuckle turned the fence into an adjustable grape trellis.


It's hard to explain how much I love this turnbuckle.

And, perhaps as a result of the grapes' desire to see underwear models parading around our backyard, they've begun to grow.

You see the leaf so do not even try to tell me that you do not. LOOK HARDER.

Now, my hope is that the grapes will grow big strong vines on which many big clusters of luscious Concord grapes can grow so that I can sit in that chair you see there and pluck cocktail snacks from the vine without getting up.

I figure with a bit of stretching, grapes will be within arm's reach.

And also meanwhile underwear models wander the yard.



  1. What's the turnbuckle thingy for?

  2. Just a note about grapes- they can take up to 3 years after planting for the grapes to actually grow. That's how long it took mine. Don't want you to get disappointed. You also need to watch the pruning. The grapes only grow on old growth. Great variety- I have concords too and they taste terrific! Your bees will love them!

  3. Oh my God, Finny--the fact that you are a World's Strongest Man fan will endear you to my husband like NOTHING ELSE. Thanks to my choice of a life partner, I have now seen a man pull a train. Also, I know more than I ever thought possible about stone lifting and the Husafell stone. You should look up YouTube videos of dudes lifting the real Husafell stone. It's hilarious. Also a dream of my husband's. I would not be surprised if a trip to Iceland is in our future for that very reason.

  4. I want grapes in my yard!! I effing love grapes. Especially purple. No, they aren't red, they are mother effing purple. I know my colors dammit! Sadly, it doesn't stay warm enough here or something, which is why the only grapes that grow here are tiny and sour. Boo.

  5. When the underwear models show up you can make them pluck the grapes from the vine for you, (this way you won't have to strain yourself reaching for them while drinking cocktails, that just doesn't mesh). They've gotta earn their keep, after all.

  6. hee hee. thanks for that laugh. On a side note, my mother in law has concord grapes in her yard and they are super prolific. The best thing to make with them? Pie. The best pie ever. Hands down.

  7. Jen - OOH! The turnbuckle is the coolest. Basically, if once the grapevines are on the cabling the thing starts to sag and needs to be tightened up, I can just twist the middle piece of the turnbuckle and it will tighten the cable. HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT?

    Jenny - Yeah, I've heard many different timelines about grape growth. Sounds like it depends on the variety. My neighbors have red grapes that produced a few bunches in the first season, but I'm sure each variety is different. We'll see! And I DO hope the bees love them. That's the dream!

    Kris - Icelanders are EXTREME!

    In the winter time, when the sun doesn't shine at all, they all huddle up in the big gyms there and work out like monsters. I don't know what's up with those people, but they're incredible.

    I will be going to YouTube now. Where I will watch every video that comes up for Husafell stone. HOW COOL IS THAT? Dudes that can lift heavy things are very impressive to me.

    Meanwhile, a train? What man pulled a train? That's awesome.

    Sara - Agreed on the grape front. I mean, I like all grapes, really - but big fat purple Concord grapes are almost a whole other creature. I could eat Concord grapes until I poop my pants.

    SO GOOD.

    Amy - You are a genius. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?

    Katie Jean - Concord grape pie??? I can't believe you haven't sent me a recipe yet. OF COURSE I WILL MAKE CONCORD GRAPE PIE. That sounds fantastic! Weird - but fantastic.

  8. If that underwear model sprouts another -- send the sapling this way. My garden could use a harvest.


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.