Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Jeff the Potato

So, you know how you hear a lot of "plant after all chance of frost has passed and when temperatures are consistently in the 70s" when you're sowing vegetable seeds?

Yeah, so that's totally useful information to absorb rather than completely ignore like I did because it was March 30th and don't you try and stop me from planting vegs now because we are well past our last frost date and I'll fight you.

And then it rained for a month.

So, instead of actually having to fight someone (because my idle threats are starting to pay off. Nice.) I just went ahead and learned my lesson the hard way by sowing seeds that didn't germinate because it rained for a month. Have I told you it rained all month? Yes. It rained all month because April was getting tired of being chastised for not producing the May flowers the last few years so GUSH. Which meant my heat loving seeds also didn't germinate. They also, according to my thorough finger-poking research, didn't rot in the soil as I was warned they might, so I guess they must have been either eaten by birds or abducted by aliens.

Which I guess is possible because why do we assume that if aliens made it to earth they'd just automatically abduct human beings? We're really big. What if their spaceships are small and they only have room for tiny things. Tiny things like Mexican Sour Gherkin seeds? You see what I'm saying here. My first sowing of seeds was abducted by tiny aliens in mini spaceships.

Makes total sense.

What also makes sense is that since it's been hovering precariously in the 70s for the last week or so, my second sowing of seeds has begun germinating, the apple, lemon and cherry trees have set fruit (!), the tomatillos are falling madly in love and producing fruit-filled lanterns thanks to some sage advice from my empty-lantern growing friend and my flip-flop tan is back.

And if you don't mark the return of warm weather with the reappearance of a flip-flop tan then you need to right some wrongs in your world is all I'm saying.  Free your toes! They'll thank you for it. Or threaten you with bodily harm if you don't get a fucking pedicure because EW.

So, all told, my garden is ready for summer and finally showing signs to indicate as much. Not that they all broke out their bikinis or flashed me their flip-flop tans, but you know what I mean.

Clockwise from the top: Gravenstein apples, Mexican Sour Gherkins, Purple Podded Pole and Kentucky Wonder beans, artichokes, nasturtium, Black Krim tomato, Burpee Bibb lettuce, cherries, tomatillo (with bun in the oven!), Lollo Rosso lettuce, jalapeno, Pickler cucumber.

You'll notice that there's no mention of watermelon or our Adopted Crop, jelly melons. That is because they apparently need one or more of the following: temps in the 80s, a miracle, fewer aliens looking for their long lost cousins. I'll let you know if they show themselves. OR, worst case, what sprightly and promising seedling replaces them when they refuse to grow altogether.

And now a story about the potatoes. Specifically, why I call them, "Jeff".

See, I worked with a Jeff at my college paper and, on Wednesday mornings, which was our deadline morning to get the paper out, he would roll in practically still wearing his bed.

Typically this would look like a 6'2" man in shorts (despite sub-freezing outdoor temps), an old wrinkly Tshirt, Vans and a filthy hat trapping his hair underneath like an escaped guinea pig.

Well, one day Jeff decided to forgo the hat and expose us all to the wrath and power of his untamed bed head.

To say that it was alarming would be a massive understatement. And his only response to our shocked faces was to say, "Good morning, friends. As you can see, I am no longer restricting my hair."

Much like I am no longer restricting the potatoes by adding more tires. I am just letting them grow as tall and crazy as they want because I can't be stripping the Prius of its wheels just so that I can grow another half foot of potato. Because you know that wouldn't be enough. I'd need a friggen semi's worth of tires to contain this behemoth now, and I'm giving up.

Live free or die, potatoes! AKA - Live an unrestricted life atop your limit of four tires. Enjoy.

And that is what happens when the mercury hits 70 degrees in NorCal.

Also this flip-flop tan happens.


  1. Last year we got freezing temperature all the way through May. Sadly, summer then hit with full force the first week of June, a month and a half early. Bleh.

    Hey, why bother with a flip-flop tan? Free your toes? Go barefoot! Yeah.

  2. We should all be a little more Jeff-like from time to time.

  3. Every time you mention the taters, I think to Potato Bugs. And they gross me out. I refuse to help harvest the taters for fear of bugs. Ew.

  4. So I am so curious how these tires pan out for you. I got exactly shit when I did it but you live in the magic land where everything grows like my need for a pedicure (you'd be appalled by my feet friend).

    Also the alien thing is frigging hilarious.

    AND MONFUCKINGTANA here you come next year! Oh, I am already planning fun stuff where I insert myself into your vacation.

    Also, I am coming to sf on July 15.

  5. Too much rain? Why does THAT sound familiar?

    I am sorry. And I am hoping the rain will moderate (not STOP, because you'll still need some occasionally) now and your summer will get into gear.

    P.S. I'm sure it will not surprise you that my toenails are painted almost that exact shade right now. Even though no one is going to be seeing my toes in the near future.

  6. Galadriel - That would freak me out. How could plants survive that? Your timing would have to be perfect. Yeesh. Good luck!

    CO Angler - I couldn't agree more. He's still a good friend of mine and HEY still has the craziest hair and most laid back attitude. :)

    Sara - YES. They are the grossest. And I'm very grossed out by them. And if I see one, I will have to take my own life.

    So far though, we're safe.


    Dig - I was so appalled by my own feet last night that I gave myself a ghetticure since I don't have time to get to the salon before we hit up Sun Valley and I can't have Kelli getting a load of my gnarly toes. Thankfully, I had only one cocktail before painting away, so they don't look *too* bad.

    I have no idea what's going to go on with these potatoes, but I hope there's something good in there when I finally tip that shit over. I'm hoping, of course, that they all just come tumbling out onto the ground in a giant cascade of potato loveliness, but that is just me being delusional.

    YES - so I'm totally pitching Montana to Kelli. I don't think it'll take much convincing since we loveLOVEloved it last year during our Yosemite trip. Granted, we were in a variety of states during our trip, but we think we love MT the most. Especially with our hot springs trip and all. I'm just dying to sink my feet into Missoula, though. I'm secretly in love with your town so TOTALLY insert yourself into our vacay - it would be so much better that way! And, hey - another blogger meet-up for you. (Unless you've secretly met Kelli and not told me?)

    How long will you be here in July? Any chance we can meet up for lunch or din-din or some other occasion where eating and drinking are involved?

    Kris - Seriously - this is a wet yet for sure. Of course, this being California, we're still technically in a drought because of the horrendously dry winter we had a few years back, but still - WET.

    It's supposed to be nice again this weekend (aka no rain and some measure of warmth) so maybe I'll come back from my trip to the cold state of Idaho to find that my melons have sprouted.

    And no, it doesn't surprise me at all that we even paint our nails the same color. Freaks.

  7. i am impressed by your ghetticure and never woulda guessed it wasn't from the salon.

    pedi trips are responsible for my delicate hold on sanity. also yoga, but i think the massage chair does a lot for my well-being.

    and i go between flip flop and birk tan. espec bc i am such a fatty right now at 39 weeks that i often need the support of birks during my hilly walks in the hood (espec when i'm hefting my 30 lb toddler).

    have a great vacation!!


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Look at you commenting, that's fun.

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Sucks, right?

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