Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Running Update: Totally *that guy*

When I started with this running stuff I kinda didn't think I'd take it too far. Mostly because I always hated running and said that I'd never be a runner and other things that now make me look like a jackass.

But then I started running regularly and started signing up for and running races and, well, now I'm in too deep to pretend I'm not a runner - even though I'm slow and am more concerned about men in American flag shorts than I am about my own well-being.

You'll be glad to know, however, that I've made more progress in the I'm a Total Jackass department, and so I thought I'd share that with you now. You know, to kick of Running in 2009, which is officially happening now that I signed up for my first race of the year and have a list going of other races that will go down in '09.

See, when it became clear that I was going to be, at least, running one race and needed to be out and about training for it, I started making promises to myself to keep from becoming one of *those guys* that were out running when I was out running and making me feel like some kind of loser for not being as extreme as them.

I just had it in my head that there are some things about these Extreme Wraparound Sunglasses Runners that I just never ever wanted to be a party to because it'd make me feel like a sell-out or a poser or some other unsavory reincarnation of my previous Real self who'd be ashamed of the big faker I'd become. Or something. It's hard to tell what's really going on in my head.

Anyway, two of those things to which I never wanted to be a party were fluttery running shorts and tights.

And let me just give you a minute to guess WHO of all jackasses has both of those things now and also now understands why runners wear them and can totally justify owning and wearing them even though she feels like a total douche bag for becoming *that guy* who owns (but rarely wears) fluttery running shorts in the summer and tights (TIGHTS! Idiot!) in the winter.

Go on...guess...

Yeah, sorry people, it's me.

See, one of the first times I was out doing more than the entry level three mile run, I came face to face (because this man was running against traffic in the bike lane, hello) with a very Extreme Wraparound Sunglasses Runner Man who, I felt, was taking his shit a little too seriously.

He had on one of those breathy hats with the side vents and, of course, the obligatory wraparound sunglasses and those fluttery shorts that leave very little to the imagination and he was COOKIN'. Like, running with all his might down my neighborhood street as though his fruity fluttery shorts were on fire. Which is fine, except that he didn't even smile or recognize that I was there like other people had and that pissed me off.

Who was he? In his fruity Extreme I'm too good for you with your running capris to even nod in your general direction as I fly by traveling just below Mach 10. Who, I ask?

Well, regardless of who he actually was, he became, in my mind, *that guy* who I don't want to become because he's obviously a jerk-off and the shorts must be the root of all his evil because look how silly they are.

And then I finished my first race and went on to sign up for my first half marathon which had me training in the hot sweaty months of summer and HELLO shorts are a good idea when it's supah hot out and HEY GUESS WHAT those fruity extreme fluttery shorts are really nice because your legs and parts can breathe and not be confined to the pukey hot stretchiness of running capris.


So, there, I became *that guy* who has fluttery running shorts that just show off the whole leg and most of your ass when you hit your stride and that's that. Except that I caught a glance at my ass cheek in a store window at one point and immediately went home and bought a pair of these
(I now have 3 pairs) and haven't gone back in the drawer for the fluttery shorts because, well, I don't need to see my ass in a window. Yew.

The other thing that, I felt, was going to always set me apart from *those guys* was the whole tights issue. Because who in the whole wide world is so extreme with their running that they need to put on tights, of all things, and then go run around in public for all of the neighborhood to see?

I think this issue got hammered home with me when some beotch in tights flew past me during my first Turkey Trot and I had to bear witness to her speed and the fact that I could see her supah buff calf muscle flexing even beneath the barfy tights. GAH! So annoying.

And, at the same time, SO different than my running capris because, well, they were tight to the ankle rather than split and flared at the calf and that fact in itself made them the douchiest things ever. Like wearing a unitard or one of those puffy Jane Fonda headbands. You know what I mean.

I swore I'd never wear tights.

And then, it became winter in NorCal and I went running at 6am in shorts on one of our sub-40 degree mornings and suddenly understood why tight to the ankle tights might be a fun idea. Fun like when your skin doesn't go numb and begin to break off in frozen chunks as you charge past Starbucks.

So, I broke down and got some tights. And I do love them, when it's cold. Like, frost on the roofs and 30 degrees cold. And I still feel a little ridic when I'm out in these babies, but then when I take a post-run shower and my legs don't feel like they're on fire from the warm water hitting their frosty coldness, my ridiculousnessocity wears off and I can understand why running tights exist.

I don't like them, but I get it.

So, there you have it.

And I told you all of that so that I could tell you that this morning I broke back out the shorts for a bare-legged run and it was AWESOME.

Also, I signed up for my first race of 2009 and am planning to ratchet my shit up a little bit this year and run two half marathons instead of my historic one.

Big times.


  1. I'm so glad you posted a running update! Because I have been thinking about emailing you and asking you questions because *I* too am training to run a half marathon! (In fact I am running the Seattle Rock n Roll half.)

    I'm using a schedule I found online that's doing me just fine. But there are things my schedule doesn't tell me!

    What do I eat!? Pasta!? When and how much! And do I drink water while I run!? What do I do AFTER I've run a half marathon!? Like the week after. Rest?? Do I keep running 10 miles on the weekend!? How is my running schedule affected by this! I don't think I want to die in a marathon, so I'm not planning on continuing to train for one.

    Help me, Finny. You're my only hope.

  2. LOVE Extreme Wraparound Sunglasses Runners. hahaha. We have those in Montana too. Also hippie runners who wear mismatched smartwool socks and gramicci shorts with some thirft store t and I think no effing way is that comfortable. I'd take tights and fluttery shorts any day.

    Hey, also (I feel shy...) I am going to be in your relative hood in early April and, well, coffee or gin beverage? Finny and Dig woop woop?

  3. Most people would never guess it, but I used to run cross country in high school. And I loved my tights. Our colors were yellow and blue, so, of course, one leg was yellow and one was blue. Loved them!

    Also, as for showing some ass, I purposely bought a swing dancing skirt because it was supposed to flare up and show your panties when you twirled. But since I rarely go dancing, my cat is the one who gets to see my underwear the most.

    Also, you are my hero because you still run. It hurts my knees and then I start to whine. So, I just skip it.

  4. Ah, yes. The tights. I, of course, wear tights (given to me by my parents in an attempt to get me off my ass and running again, but HAHA--they sat in my drawer for YEARS before I started running again awhile ago), because it is often not only sub-40 in the morning when I run, but occasionally sub-zero with the wind off that fucking lake. When I went running on Monday, the wind was so bad that not even the nice tights could save me and I very nearly died of hypothermia WHILE RUNNING.

    It was not a good time.

    But soon, if it ever warms up, I will need shorts. I do not own a nice pair of shorts for running, and I do NOT want to be showing my ass off to all the truckers on the big road I have to run on for a quarter mile before I get to the nice dirt country road where I could run buck nekkid and no one would see. So, yes. Shorts are on my list of things to seek out.

    This was way too long of a comment. My apologies.

  5. I'm not a runner but have seen people dressed just like you described. Your new Nike Tempo Shorts look much better than the fluttery shorts I've seen. Good like with your race(s).

  6. I am so impressed with your running. I always wanted to be a runner - but without the runner work. I'm a wishful runner.

  7. Welcome to the "Running Tights Club"! We can always use another member!

  8. Katie - Katie! Yay! I might see you in Seattle for the race! I mean, if I can locate you amongst the 10,000 people, of course ;)

    So, since I'm such a supah technical runner and everything (which I so am not, sorry), I can only tell you what works for me, so take it as you will. As far as what to eat? Well, I do my long runs on Saturday mornings, early. And Friday nights are Pizza Night in our house, so my pre-long run meal (night before) is usually a couple slices of cheese pizza and water. I don't eat before I run in the morning, so I can't really advise on what to do there.

    As far as water goes, I tend to drink a lot of water anyway, so I'm fairly well hydrated when I go out to run. And it's not until I'm up to running more than an hour on my long runs that I start to wear my Camelbak. Then I'll just sip off the hose whenever I feel parched and then ALWAYS when I eat my Luna Moons. And I don't start bringing my Moons until I hit my 10 mile training, just because I only eat them after I've been running for an hour and have at least :30 to go.

    After I've finished my halfs, I have taken a nice break. Like, I won't run for a week or so. Then I'll go back out and take it easy on some shorties (6 mile "long runs" or less and 3 mile mid-week runs) before ramping back up. I'm usually pretty tight after a half (the next few days), so I don't really feel like blasting out a 10er right away.

    Hope that helps! Let me know if you think of anything else I might have a clue about. No guarantees.

    Dig - Totally!!! Let's hook up when you're in town!

    Where are you going to be? We can get together for bevs or whatever. Fun!

    And, yeah, not running in Gramicci shorts with that snappy belt. Thank you, but those are for climbing.

    Wendy - The fact that your goal is to show your ass when you dance makes me love you all the more. How fucking fun is that?!

    And if I were wearing tights with different colored legs, I might be entertained enough to stop feeling like an idiot for a second. Maybe. ;)

    Kris- Well, Hi Long Comment - you're my favorite kind!

    Yeah, the running tights are so much warmer and better than the running capris (which I now officially hate, so you know) and, for some reason, make me feel more, I don't know, streamlined or something. Like wearing a Speedo to swim rather than a bikini or something. Anyway, I feel like a retard in them when I leave the house, but when I can't see myself in the mirror, I'm fine with them because they work.

    I can't believe you run when it's below zero out. YOU'RE THE EXTREME RUNNER! Scary. I bet you wouldn't even say hi to me if I saw you out running.

    As far as shorts go, I highly recommend these Nike Tempo deals. They aren't split up the side, so you don't get that whole ass cheek thing going, but they're roomy enough that you have plenty of free movement and the sides are a mesh breathey fabric that airs you out. I dunno, I really like them. And I also don't feel like a fresh hot douchebag when I wear them. So there's that.

    Junie - Thanks Junie! We'll see how it goes with double the 1/2 marathons this year. I may not make it to our yearly Turkey Trot ;)

    Michelle - That's funny because I never wanted to be a runner because of the runner work.

    Maybe one day, you'll decide you want it so much that you'll just make it happen. That's what happened to me, I guess.

    Onedroppedstitch - So you're *that guy*, too! I feel better somehow.

  9. Hm. And after all that I figured we'd get to see pics of you in all your "elastic tights and flowy shorts" glory!

  10. I've been considering the tights. I don't own a pair yet, but the first 5K I'm going to do is in March. And I know it will still be very cold here. Do you like the ones you linked to? All I ever hear of is Under Armor (which I usually call Armor All by accident). I usually wear "knee pants" when I run. They hit right below the knee and then have the slit. They are tight though. And comfy. But they won't keep me warm come March. When I actually have to run outdoors again.

  11. Yeah, fine, whatever. Run, run, run. Taunt me with your fitness. I can't even mock you for your tights because you mock yourself better than I could. Damn you, woman, you leave no room for me feeling superior here on my big ass not running unless someone with a gun is chasing me which never happens because I live in fucking suburbia.

  12. your post made me laugh because I have a particular guy in mind who is "that guy"... and disgusts me. The thing is, I have a double standard... I rarely see "that girl" with the wraparounds and if I do, she will probably smile and say hi... and maybe the men bug me because some of them wear shorts smaller than mine. I do wear tights, and I do wear shorts, and I've tried all types through the years.... only I try to wear them in my size.

  13. Ah yes, the running tight. I am a fan. And a huge fan of Athleta too. Did you read they were bought by Gap?


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.