Running Update: Totally *that guy*

When I started with this running stuff I kinda didn't think I'd take it too far. Mostly because I always hated running and said that I'd never be a runner and other things that now make me look like a jackass.

But then I started running regularly and started signing up for and running races and, well, now I'm in too deep to pretend I'm not a runner - even though I'm slow and am more concerned about men in American flag shorts than I am about my own well-being.

You'll be glad to know, however, that I've made more progress in the I'm a Total Jackass department, and so I thought I'd share that with you now. You know, to kick of Running in 2009, which is officially happening now that I signed up for my first race of the year and have a list going of other races that will go down in '09.

See, when it became clear that I was going to be, at least, running one race and needed to be out and about training for it, I started making promises to myself to keep from becoming one of *those guys* that were out running when I was out running and making me feel like some kind of loser for not being as extreme as them.

I just had it in my head that there are some things about these Extreme Wraparound Sunglasses Runners that I just never ever wanted to be a party to because it'd make me feel like a sell-out or a poser or some other unsavory reincarnation of my previous Real self who'd be ashamed of the big faker I'd become. Or something. It's hard to tell what's really going on in my head.

Anyway, two of those things to which I never wanted to be a party were fluttery running shorts and tights.

And let me just give you a minute to guess WHO of all jackasses has both of those things now and also now understands why runners wear them and can totally justify owning and wearing them even though she feels like a total douche bag for becoming *that guy* who owns (but rarely wears) fluttery running shorts in the summer and tights (TIGHTS! Idiot!) in the winter.

Go on...guess...

Yeah, sorry people, it's me.

See, one of the first times I was out doing more than the entry level three mile run, I came face to face (because this man was running against traffic in the bike lane, hello) with a very Extreme Wraparound Sunglasses Runner Man who, I felt, was taking his shit a little too seriously.

He had on one of those breathy hats with the side vents and, of course, the obligatory wraparound sunglasses and those fluttery shorts that leave very little to the imagination and he was COOKIN'. Like, running with all his might down my neighborhood street as though his fruity fluttery shorts were on fire. Which is fine, except that he didn't even smile or recognize that I was there like other people had and that pissed me off.

Who was he? In his fruity Extreme I'm too good for you with your running capris to even nod in your general direction as I fly by traveling just below Mach 10. Who, I ask?

Well, regardless of who he actually was, he became, in my mind, *that guy* who I don't want to become because he's obviously a jerk-off and the shorts must be the root of all his evil because look how silly they are.

And then I finished my first race and went on to sign up for my first half marathon which had me training in the hot sweaty months of summer and HELLO shorts are a good idea when it's supah hot out and HEY GUESS WHAT those fruity extreme fluttery shorts are really nice because your legs and parts can breathe and not be confined to the pukey hot stretchiness of running capris.

Oh.

So, there, I became *that guy* who has fluttery running shorts that just show off the whole leg and most of your ass when you hit your stride and that's that. Except that I caught a glance at my ass cheek in a store window at one point and immediately went home and bought a pair of these
(I now have 3 pairs) and haven't gone back in the drawer for the fluttery shorts because, well, I don't need to see my ass in a window. Yew.

The other thing that, I felt, was going to always set me apart from *those guys* was the whole tights issue. Because who in the whole wide world is so extreme with their running that they need to put on tights, of all things, and then go run around in public for all of the neighborhood to see?

I think this issue got hammered home with me when some beotch in tights flew past me during my first Turkey Trot and I had to bear witness to her speed and the fact that I could see her supah buff calf muscle flexing even beneath the barfy tights. GAH! So annoying.

And, at the same time, SO different than my running capris because, well, they were tight to the ankle rather than split and flared at the calf and that fact in itself made them the douchiest things ever. Like wearing a unitard or one of those puffy Jane Fonda headbands. You know what I mean.

I swore I'd never wear tights.

And then, it became winter in NorCal and I went running at 6am in shorts on one of our sub-40 degree mornings and suddenly understood why tight to the ankle tights might be a fun idea. Fun like when your skin doesn't go numb and begin to break off in frozen chunks as you charge past Starbucks.

So, I broke down and got some tights. And I do love them, when it's cold. Like, frost on the roofs and 30 degrees cold. And I still feel a little ridic when I'm out in these babies, but then when I take a post-run shower and my legs don't feel like they're on fire from the warm water hitting their frosty coldness, my ridiculousnessocity wears off and I can understand why running tights exist.

I don't like them, but I get it.

So, there you have it.

And I told you all of that so that I could tell you that this morning I broke back out the shorts for a bare-legged run and it was AWESOME.

Also, I signed up for my first race of 2009 and am planning to ratchet my shit up a little bit this year and run two half marathons instead of my historic one.

Big times.