Monday, April 24, 2006

Siesta Fighters and other greatest hits

Someone please bring me a field dress kit, I've split my sides laughing!

I could have veered into a bridge abutment while trying fruitlessly to see through the tears welling up in my eyes as Alessandro, the mercilessly hilarious fiance to one of my best friends, cracked joke after joke while I drove us home from a tour of the Sonoma Coast.

Whether in English or Italian, this man can have me cackling like a stuck hyena with clever and ridiculous comments alike. His specialty is coming up with new ways to interpret other languages to suit his comedic purposes. Roman by decent, this man does not allow restriction of one language to hinder his humourous capabilities. In fact, I'm fairly certain that he learns new languages (English, German, etc) so that he can have more ammo with which to slay us with rioutous jokes.

Some of his multi-lingual greatest hits, for your enjoyment:

1. Siesta Fighter : This is what one calls an espresso enjoyed after lunch. It wards off the deadly Siesta Feelings.

2. Shelleyway : This is what he calls an Alleyway when he's accompanied by his fiance, Shelley. Alessandro's nickname is Ale (pronounced All-eh), so he immediately renamed Alleyways in honor of Shelley. In Rome, there are many alleyways, so this comes up a lot on visits.

3. Fudgey : Alessandro's favorite dessert. Basically, a brownie sundae. But he just calls it Fudgey and we all know what he means. And then we laugh like hyenas. I was laughing as I was taking this picture. He'd just finished a speedbump sized burrito and when the waitress asked if he'd like dessert, he passionately cried, "Ok, I surrender!" and then promptly ordered Fudgey Brownie.

4. PavelCow : One of Ale and Shelley's cats is named Pavel (Ale named this one, Shelley named the other Betsy - it's all very country appropriate in their house). Pavel is fat and has been known as PavelCow by Alessandro for most of his life. According to Alessandro, PavelCow needs frequent milking. Also important is regular feeding. Otherwise...

5. "Shelley, if you do not feed the Pavel, he will not make any milk." Why it's important for a MALE cat to generate milk, I'm not sure. But it had me doubled over on via della Lungaretta like I was having a seizure. Here is the cow himself as I teased him during a recent visit:

5. Presley : Alessandro's version of Parsley. Every time he comes to visit he takes it upon himself to spoil us with an authentic Italian feast. And he is a FINE chef. Although the meals are unforgettable and absolutely divine, the shopping trip is equally enjoyable. And despite constant reminding that the herb is, in fact, called Parsley, he insists on calling it Presley in honor of the king and so that we will laugh out loud in the store.

6. Super Car : This is what he calls the Prius (Pree-oos). Apparently this is how Kit from Knightrider is described on Italian television and, after seeing the navigation system, he decided that my "Technological" car was, in fact, Super Car Kit.

7. Most Scrumptiousest : The red snapper he ate for lunch in Bodega Bay. New to this fish, he found it superb and, thus, had to invent a new word for it's deliciousness, as delicious was not a strong enough adjective. So, combining all the elevating English factors he could muster, he came up with this new descriptor. Use at your own risk.

8. The Sheraton : This is how he described their accomodations at my house because I left them a tray with magazines, bottled water, gum and chocolate next to their bed. In context, as they were going off to bed their first night, "Shelley, look at this, it is just like the Sheraton." According to Shelley they have never stayed at the Sheraton, this is simply how he's "Always imagined it to be."

9. "I will destroy and devastate you." : This is how he greets the bloodthirsty, Rocket, who he loves and showers with attention. As Rocket swats at his ankles and bites his hands, Alessandro attempts to cuddle and pet her while warning her of the pending punishment. Not only will he destroy her, there will be devastation involved.

10. Metaphysical : This is how he describes Bodega Head in Bodega Bay. I don't know about you, but I found this a shockingly precise description of the otherwordliness (is THAT even a word?) of Bodega Bay. Apparently the word, Metafisico, in Italian is used a little more often and with greater understanding than it's English cousin. Both Shelley and I were taken aback by the astute nature of the comment and he so enjoyed our surprise. He reminded us that he is a "Jean-oos".

Some photos of us and the metaphysical, Bodega Bay:

Now, that is only a smattering of his hilarity, I'm sure I left some out. Plus, there are all the swear words that he revels in spouting in crowded restaurants to Shelley's dismay, oh and the frequent and passionate use of the term "Bastard!" to describe everything from people to Rocket to a grocery store that doesn't stock parmigiano reggiano. And I won't get into the hand gestures or arm movements that only add to the flavor of his dialogue. I will say that I look forward to our visits with much anticipation and can't wait to go back to Rome. As they both enjoy hearing me say, I want to go back to Rome, solo per che voglio mangiare. It is such a blessing to see one of your very best friends with someone equally fabulous. Good, good weekend.



  1. I am dying I am laughing so hard. How I wish I could have been there to meet the Jeenous myself!

  2. Thanks girl! You made me laugh and I sorely needed it!

  3. You are so lucky to still have some ties to Italia!! I lived there for a stint and man oh man how I miss it there along with it's fabulous people..Next time your friends are in town, I would love to meet Ale, as he would get a kick out of my rugged sicilian tongue. :)
    Eh come me mancha Italia...

    (oh how I miss Italy)

    "The Fury" actually comes from the Italian roots. lol and the honey thought it was hormonal...


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