Monday, April 04, 2011

Plants, tamales, psychotic old women.

Um, I do not even know where to start.

Firstly, I went to the Master Gardener's Garden Market business and WHOA.

Secondly, I tested, amended, irrigated, staked and planted the entire vegetable garden.

Thirdly, the chili peppers have germinated.

Fourthly, I saw a woman riding a bike while wearing a huge sun hat WITH A HELMET ON TOP.

OK, I guess I know where to start...


For those of you non-Bay Area folks, let me enlighten you briefly on the phenomenon known as Sun Fearful Asian Women. And this isn't me making up ways to offend a new slice of society - oh no - this is fact: Asian woman, particularly those of a certain generation, live in constant fear of the sun coming into contact with their skin.

Regardless of the opacity of their sunscreen (see: Zinc Oxide), UV ratings of their windshields or thickness of their clothing's weave, they are never satisfied - never have enough buffer between their fair skin and the sun's rays.

And, hey, with all the nonsense about skin cancer afoot, who can blame them? Until you come to the Bay Area, that is. Here...Sun Fearfulness is taken to a whole new extreme. Particularly a suburb of my fair San Jose, where tiny Asian women are most often found beneath a giant green visor, gardening gloves and an umbrella WHILE DRIVING.

If you think I'm kidding right now, please understand that the photo above is not a rarity - it's simply the first time I've been able to get a photo of it in action. The only thing bizarre about it, really, is the fact that she's not holding an umbrella over her head while pedaling. Though please note that she is wearing long sleeves and gloves while pedaling about doubly hatted. The fact that she's outside with her face to the wind is practically shocking in and of itself.

Anyway, I've gotten carried away. You get it. All kinds of crazy people live here.

Hey! There's some!

Dudes. The Master Gardener's Spring Market a word...a fucking scene. Which, yes, two words, but you get my meaning.

My friend and I showed up around 8:50 for a 9am opening. There were approximately one billion people in line already. None of them would make eye contact, most of them were cutting in line and some of the women were sharpening their elbows. It was a bit tense.

Because we were on line for Rolling Stones tickets? Because there were only 10 flu shots left? Because there were only 5 gallons of gas left for all of the South Bay?

No, because some people had grown some plants from seed and had them for sale for $3. Oh, and you could buy tomato cages for, like, I don't even know because I didn't buy any or you could wander around the vendor booths where no one takes a credit card and old ladies are knifing each other for the last 1/2 gallon gladiola.

I'm telling you - it was retarded.

Now, that's not to say that I didn't buy anything or that I didn't enjoy myself - hell! I got to hang out with a good friend of mine outside the confines of work, had an awesome homemade tamale, found my Golden Greek pepper plant AND had a blogger blind date (Hi IMQTPI! Your final haul was impressive!) in less than 45 minutes, but y'all - what the hell.

Are we, as gardeners of the world, a bunch of god damned animals? Must you run about like a mad person shoving others out of the way for a Brandywine tomato plant while trampling children, dogs and the flip-flop footed with your rollie cart full of Starbucks cups?

Come now. Be reasonable. We live in the 10th largest city in the country. We have approximately one fantastic family run nursery for every fifth person. If all else fails THE INTERNET IS LIKE RIGHT THERE. What kind of sense does it make to shove someone to the ground in order to get at a flat of parsley plants when you can grow that shit from seed in, like, a minute and a half for $.59?

That's all I'll say about the lunacy of this event. I'll sum up now.

This was right before my foot was crushed by a Radio Flyer wagon. Not cool, folks. Not cool.

I went. I bought three plants, only two of which I actually needed.

Cherry tomato? Since when?

I met a lovely fellow blogger.
My friend got the perfect amount of plants for her garden.

She had to get *just one more* in order to properly fill the box. Otherwise - not right.

I ate a very good homemade tamale. I stole condiments (PUT TAMALE CONDIMENTS BY THE TAMALES AND HOT DOG ONES BY THE HOT DOGS IS ALL I'M SAYING SNARKY WOMAN.). I realized that Hey, if all these psychos are here, I bet *my* nursery is empty so let's blow this joint and I'll go get my tomatoes over there since THEY COST THE SAME ANYWAY and I left.

It was an hour and a half and it probably took a year off my life. Next year, I will note the date of this event and I will spend it at my nursery, where it's blissfully peaceful and quiet and fully stocked with all kinds of great vegetable seedlings and no murderous old gardener women.

Plus, what if the Sun-Hat-and-Helmet lady bikes by again? SCORE! You're not getting that at the MG SGM. Oh noooooooo.

So yeah. That takes care of Firstly and Fourthly, so I'll get into Secondly and maybe Thirdly tomorrow.

For now, I'll rest and dress my trowel wounds (REALLY PEOPLE - stabbing? That's so B-movie slasher. You're better than this).


  1. Oh- that reminds me of this Food SHare thing we have here. It's basically you pay $15 and you get a million dollars worth of food. At least it seems like it. But I make Matt (who hates crowds) go because I feel like I'll end up leaving via cop car without my ridiculous haul of breads and shit. But the last time he went, he was PISSED. It starts at 6. He gets there at 4, and he's roughly #600 in line. He didn't come home until 8:30. BUT BUT BUT we got a ton of food. Not sure what the hell I'm going to do with an industrial size can of corn, or some weird oat stuff in a bag but hey! It was a deal because I got 32 loaves of bread, enough onions to last until the end of summer among other things.

  2. You need to see this:

  3. Ah plants so much hope right? So I started a batch of seedlings and I think the sun lamp may have improperly elongated the broccoli. The squash looks good for now. I think it might be easier to buy plants though. Three pots of herbs are begging me to plant them. When the rain goes away I might get to it. Looks like fun there in sunny CA


    It was good to meet you! Though I am sorely disappointed at your "haul" from the MG of SCC Sale.

    I have to concur on two points: Crazy Little Asian Women in Sun-Defying Apparel (what a freakin' hoot!), and the Garden-Sale is getting to be a little too big for it's britches (although the check-out process, this year, was an improvement over last years' debacle).

    We actually intended to be there well-before opening time, but couldn't find parking (Grrr!). The Veggie section was well picked-over by the time we got there - but they had tomatoes in abundance (and I bought, accordingly!).

    You, O' Mighty Blog Goddess, are my inspiration.

    After hitting the MG of SCC Market, I headed off to OSH and purchased a Soil-Test-Kit. I shall dutifully test the soil in my Garden Beds and amend accordingly. I learned my lesson, last year, with suck-tastic veggies after *not* testing/amending according to Finny's Methodology...

    This year, I hope to be a Prime Contender in the Battle of Home-Grown Veggies... (tho' I won't have home-grown bee-pollination on my side).

    "Let the Games Begin!"

  5. Oh my God. That plant sale is pretty much the EXACT situation I avoid with all my might. As I get older and more hermit-like, crowds like that make me more angry than ever before.

    Country bumpkin? What? Me?

    Anyway, I look forward to the Everything Is Planted post. But I didn't see a Black Krim in that little box. Have you given up on it?

  6. Sounds like an event I wouldn't want to go to lol. I hate waiting in line like that! We won't stop to eat somewhere if there are too many people hanging out outside.


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Look at you commenting, that's fun.

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