Thursday, December 23, 2010

I made fudge.

Yeah. That calls forth a lot of jokes. We should all laugh more and I'm here providing a mechanism for doing so. Consider it my gift to you.

My gift to Bubba, however, is the fudge. And before you go getting all gross on me, I'm using fudge in the literal sense rather than the poop sense so don't get all, "I'm calling the authorities" because that's not going to help anyone.

Unless they like fudge! Which, they might.

And, in actuality, the fudge isn't a gift for Bubba, in the Let's Put it Under the Tree and Force Him to Stare at it For Weeks On End kind of way, it's just a thing that I made because it makes him do this with his face and so, it's something of a gift for me because HELLO that is funny.

I like fudge better than Hires. If only by a little.

So, yeah, I made fudge. And what's more - I made the marshmallow creme because WHAT it's missing from all the shelves of all the stores (2) I went to yesterday. Apparently everyone is making fudge? Or else there is some Christmas recipe other than fudge that requires a lot of hideous nutrition-free sugar glue.

I'm not a fan of this marshmallow creme, just on principle, but I'll tell you that I was sort of looking forward to buying it because I've only seen it on grocery store shelves my entire life and wondered, "Who buys that crap?" and here I was going to answer my own question, "Me."


But, sadly, all shelves had been raided of this particular product, and so, I did what all big fakers do when they're faced with the second store shelf to be empty of their Key Ingredient: I faked it by way of common sense, which is usually the worst plan of all because it usually results in disaster because a Key Ingredient, is usually Key to making something taste right.

You know. You've had brownies made with chicken fat instead of oil.

Wait? You haven't? Yeah. Trust me on this one, chicken fat is not a catch-all substitute for vegetable oil. Not that vegetable oil is the key ingredient in brownies, but just go with me here.

OH - and not that *I* subbed chicken fat for oil, I did not, but the damage remains.

Anyway, getting back to my common sense substitution for marshmallow creme - I used marshmallows. Because they're right there sitting next to the empty shelf where my bulbous jar of marshmallow creme should be and if marshmallow creme isn't made from marshmallows, my thinking went, then what IS it made from? Orphaned snowman souls? No. It must be made from melted down marshmallows.

It is not.

An internet search on the subject, "how do I make marshmallow creme from marshmallows" revealed that it's actually made from *some* of the stuff from which marshmallows are made, but not all, and most critically, it doesn't include gelatin, which marshmallows DO. Which explains how they can hold that marshmallow shape.

Perhaps my ass contains gelatin...

Anyway, one dude said (and the One Dudes of the internet are so reliable and always right, are they not?) that you can melt down marshmallows in a double boiler with some corn syrup and get the same effect and since I happen to have a lingering bottle of corn syrup shame in my house even after reading Michael Pollan and Mark Hyman and the SuperFoods book and Food, Inc and Fast Food Nation and all that, I figured this was a good way to get rid of it without having to be wastey by just throwing it out in a fit of I WILL NOT EAT THIS GARBAGE rage.

I save that rage for chard. And rightly so.

But, the One Dude was right, and after a few minutes melting around in the double boiler, the syrup covered marshmallows glooped down into what looked a lot like the creme in those bottom heavy jars. 

Do you think they make the jars look like that so that you get a sneak preview of what your ass will look like once you've taken to stirring it into your coffee? Yeah. These are the places my mind goes when I'm stuck in line at the store. Best not to disturb me.

So, once the marshmallows were successfully melted into a creme state, I went ahead with the fudge recipe I found that seemed the least contrived and most likely to warrant edible results and, wouldn't you know it, it is actually quite good.

According to Bubba it's "Awesome! And there's walnuts! And no fucking peppermint or almond flavor! I fucking hate it when people mess up perfectly good fudge with all that shit. It should be just fudge and walnuts. And not, like, WHOLE walnuts, but pieces of walnuts and none of that walnut dust on top because what's the point in that?"

Yeah. He has opinions about fudge. Opinions of which I was blissfully unawares until I had the gall to bring home fudge from a recent cookie swap party that had crushed candy canes on top and one kind that had almond flavor in them.

I know. I'm a monster.

But it did reveal a hidden secret in my lover's soul, the fact that he loved fudge but had never mentioned it because I never offered to make it because I don't really love fudge at all.

I know. It seems wrong to not love fudge. On paper, the stuff seems like something I'd like: it's chocolate, it has walnuts...but no, not really into it. It's too sweet or something. Like someone cut up a big block of chocolate frosting and called it something else. Like, I don't know, FUDGE.

Still, this stuff came out pretty good, to the point where I even like it (though it is painfully sweet) and now I will be adding it to the list of things to which Bubba introduced me even though he should have let me go on in my life unscathed by empty delicious calories.

Other things on this list include Cinnabon rolls, smoked meats (particularly brisket), all Indian food, Bs and Gs, fried chicken, pork chops and gravy.

Yeah. My doctor would probably agree that I'd been better off without inner yearning for those things, but it's too late now.

I will be the death of you. Enjoy.


  1. I don't like fudge either and I fuck it up somehow every time I try. So I suppose it works out. But my Grandma makes a peanut butter fudge that is DIVINE. She gave me the recipe and it doesn't taste anywhere near the same. She's holding out and that's wrong.

  2. Hey, don't be a Fluff Hater. Have you NEVER enjoyed a fluffernutter? Which now that I've written it, seems like something TOTALLY unlike what it is. Oh well.

  3. This is one more thing that shows we're long distance sisters. I hate fudge. I've never eaten any and thought, "Ya, that's something I want to put in my mouth again." But every year at some party I get amnesia and think that maybe I'd like to eat a piece of fudge. Every year I'm wrong. But good job on making tasty fudge. I didn't think it was possible.

    And the list of foods that Jeff's introduced me to is pretty extensive as well. Mine has things like sushi and raw oysters and boiled crawfish (my 3 favorite things to eat).

  4. fudge is one of my favorites! Great!

  5. No, no fudge for me. I think you nailed it when you said it's like solidified frosting. I don't really like frosting either; I'll stick with the cake, thanks.

    But I must admit to loving Fluffernutters. That's a sandwich with peanut butter and marshmallow fluff. Not that I eat them now, but I used to babysit for a couple of kids who ate them for lunch. Which, now that I think about it, was maybe not the best food to give to two kids I was trying to keep from diving off the porch roof into the pool in a sugar-induced frenzy.


    You're a good wife. I'm sure Bubba told you that.

  6. I don't mean to be a greedy asshole, but that fudge jar was suspiciously missing from my other goodies. And by the taste of the salsa and the jam, holy hell -- that has to be some awesome fudge.


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Look at you commenting, that's fun.

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Sucks, right?

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