Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Understood. Now don't puss out.

You guys are funny, you know that?

There I was thinking that y'all were bored of my holiday rantings and, perhaps, could use a year off from my Let's Talk Shit About Holiday Decorations pastime while I think up new four letter words, but NO - you like it.

You like the abuse. I guess I should have known.

Well, let me just say that, thanks to comments here, on Facebook and in the greater blog reading community (Hi, people I didn't realize read my blog until I put up this post and ruined your holiday good times!), that I get it.

You want holiday decoration rantings and that is what you will get.


BUT - caveat time - I'm not saying boo about Christmas lawn and house decor unless something out there strikes me as newly different and freshly fugly in a way that it did not in previous years. Then I'll say something. And you can feel free to send me your pictures (finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom) to see if anything around your neighborhood fills that bill.

Until such time though, I will save my holiday ranting space for finishing up what I started last year when I invented (yes - I'm that good) the Festival of Ugly Menorahs and then I'm going on a rant to end all Hanukkah decoration rants about the general fugliness of all things Hanukkah decorate-y and celebrate-y and I'm taking you all down with me.

You with me? I thought so.

Whores, all of you.

Firstly, let's finish 2009's Festival of Ugly Menorahs by first remembering what the hell that is here, where I stopped at Night Six: The Night of Holographic Ugliness, and then going from there.

Festival of Ugly Menorahs: Night Seven
The WTF?! Night
(Where There Aren't Any Actual Flames, Just Pipecleaners)

Festival of Ugly Menorahs: Night Eight 
The Night We Light the Menorah and Eat Everything in Site. Including Maybe Some Old Gefilte Fish Because, You Know, This Is Going To Sound Weird But Suddenly It Sounds Kinda Good...

There. That was a cleansing and refreshing way to start a new year of criticizing the world for creating holiday decor to shock and destroy our retinas.

The thing is, contrived Hanukkah ugliness is not limited to menorahs. And, frankly, I feel as though I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't expand your Hanukkah horizons to include some of the greater offenses the world has ever seen created with a Star of David, dreidel or marshmallows.

Marshmallows? Yes. Marshmallows. Though surely you've seen this great blue wonder circulating your Facebook news feed courtesy of your amazed and horrified "Friends".

From cakewrecks.com

This was the creation of the sadistic and I'm-Not-So-Sure-She's-A-Real-Human-Girl Sandra Lee in a moment of blatant anti-semitism.



See, you can't. It's just so obvious. And I think I can see an armband under that sweater of hers. Meanwhile, did she just goosestep to the sink? I needn't say more.

The thing is, her hate clearly extends beyond Jews, Hanukkah and canned icing (did you see how much food coloring she added? I think I grew a tail from the toxicity just from seeing that with my eyeballs) since she has examples of her hate in cake form all set up at the beginning, there. Specifically, this Kwanzaa Hate Cake and this surprising Christmas Hate Cake.

But those are easy examples of ugly Hanukkah-ness. Sandra Lee is obviously the Bringer of Dark Times Made from Angel Food Cake, so I will try to make my point with some, perhaps, lesser known...cue the daunting music...

Crimes Against Jewmanity

You like how I just did that? Made up a batshit crazy name for this rant? Yeah, sometimes I'm good like that. Made it blue, too, just in keeping with the theme. I do it all for you, friends, and no need to clap - you're very welcome.

Anyway, just to spread the blame around a bit, let's see what our Asian friends over at Oriental Trading Company think Hanukkah means when expressed in glitter and pipe cleaners.

"We found this under the sink - let's touch it!"

"What have we done?"

Oh. Did you think I was kidding about the pipe cleaners? Because I wasn't. It's a common mistake thinking that leftover household refuse makes for ideal Hanukkah decorations. Just because something is blue and free doesn't mean that Jews want to bend it into The Holy Shape and hang it from the...wait a minute...this is an "ornament kit". From what, may I ask, does a Jew hang an ornament? Surely not a Christmas tree. But if not that, then what? You know Hanukkah bushes are just an invention of the Hallmark corporation or maybe some cheeky douche playing around at Cafepress.

I'm going to go ahead and call this effort from our Asian friends a clear miss amidst a sea of terrifyingly clear misses. Though, I'm not sure what I expected from them. They do focus a good bit of their holiday business on the sales of Jesus' back alley abortion kit.

What? Too much? You said you wanted it, so don't get all, "Ooh, Finny, no fair taking the lord's name in vain or misconstruing the purpose of His shepherd's crook", because you asked for it.

Meanwhile, I kinda like those undies. Feel free to send me some as a Hanukkah gift. And quickly now! It's over in just a few sundowns. (That's what we Jews call, "Nights", just so we're clear.)

Now, before I leave you to craft your scathing If I Would Have Known How Evil You Were I Never Would Have Said Anything comments (turncoats), allow me to share one more example of a Crime Against Jewmanity.

You could wear a patch on your jacket, but this is WAY easier to spot as a sniper.

Yeah. I don't know what they were going for here either, really, except that someone in the Hanukkah Decorations and Finery department had come to the end of their Turn All Christmas Things Into Hanukkah Things By Making Them Blue or Menorah Shaped and what they were left with was a baby Jesus in his manger and a Santa hat.

So, in lieu of trying to fashion a Santa yarmulke or something else that doesn't 100% make sense, they just said:

Santa Hat
Hanukkah Hat

and then called it a day by raking the baby Jesus into the shredder.

Hey, these party decoration people are coldblooded - don't give me your judging eye.

So, yeah, Hanukkah decorations are just as bad as I remember from my childhood and aren't getting any better, as these few examples heartily prove, so I'm sure I'll be back to scare your eyes back into their Holiday Decoration Nightmare seeking sockets soon enough.

Just a reminder: no pussy comments. You made your bed, now you can friggen well lie on it and look at these things and laugh.


  1. As I started to read this, I told myself that I needed to find that awful Sandra-Lee video. I showed it to Jeff a few days ago and he showed me one of this appalling meatloaf that looked like a giant, cheesy turd.

    And I'm sort of tempted to do an ironic Christmas scene, like Charlie Brown in the manger or something (and you know someone out there would love it), just so I can have the pleasure of sending it to you and letting you rant. Though, that would take more effort than I know I can spare at this time of year.

  2. My All-Time-Favorite Cheesy-Christmas Yard was spotted, many-many years ago, up in Brisbane, CA. Someone had set up a creche in their front yard using pink plastic lawn flamingos as (presumably) Mary and Joseph - and in the manger, they laid a L'Eggs Egg (remember those?).

    It was freaking awesome! Wished I'd taken a picture (but this was waaaaay before digital!)

  3. I'm pissing myself with laughter right now. (That's kind of a joke, but kind of not really.)

    Please, more Crimes against Jewmanity. And then, Crimes against Christianity...which just doesn't have wuite the same ring to it, being a real word and all.

  4. Whoa, did you just read that? Katie hates Jews, too!

    Just kidding. (Unless she really does, but then that would be weird that she hangs out here.) I'm glad you've come to your senses woman, the meanness must continue, you know? 'Tis the season, and all.

    Maybe the Hanukkah decorations are part of an evil plot by the Oriental Trading Company to take over the world by making everyone gouge out their eyes with blue pipe cleaners.

  5. Yeah Baby -- our Finny is back! You had me at "From what, may I ask, does a Jew hang an ornament?" You're hysterical. The real question is ... are you growing drugs in that front lawn meadow? 'Cause that's some mighty powerful (and might I add hilarious) stuff that made the leap from the shepherd's crook. And then the hat. I think you should get one, just because. It could be the mascot of your future (and I'm confident there will be more quality stuff where this came from) rants.

    Oh, and Sandra Lee. Don't get us started. She's a crime against ... you provide the clever adjective, 'cause I know it will be WAY better than anything I can dream up!

  6. I've missed you, Finny! This is just the post to get me back into the swing of things--though I am especially loving Hanukah this year due to my son's enthusiasm--he's learning a bunch of songs at preschool and it's pretty freaking cute. Even if they cheated and used latkes from Trader Joes at the class party (but I suppose the orthodox director was a little busy with her 7 children to make homemade ones so I will give her a pass just this once).

    I think you would love the menorah Avi made--he painted it blue with purple glitter glue accents. Almost 3-year-olds can get away with tacky on account of their innocence.

  7. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha!!

    I keep threatening to buy that hat for my husband but then HE WILL WEAR IT.

  8. Woo, thanks for including me in your crimes against jewmanity ugly menorah roundup! Do you have a badge I can sport on my site? :)


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.