Monday, December 06, 2010

Just so you know...

I used to do this thing every December where I'd make fun of my neighbors' holiday lights and make random assumptions about what those lights said about them as people and what their choices in decorations said about their sanity.

All in all, these things I was saying weren't complimentary or even civilized and, no, I'm not about to apologize or say that I regretted saying those things.

Please. Who do you think you're dealing with here? Check the header...yeah. You're home.

No, I won't be apologizing because HELLO ugly fugly fucked up decorations are just that and the people who put them up all over their homes as if to say,

"World - in case you didn't know by looking at me leaving my house in my ordinary Honda Civic wearing suitable work attire and drinking my coffee out of a reusable travel mug - I am, in fact, out of my fucking mind and have the taste the lord gave to a jackal. I lose all reasoning skills when the holidays approach, and because I'm a poorly adjusted adult without any personal interests to keep my mind entertained, I begin celebrating Christmas in October and do so by first covering my house with all the atrocities you see here. Do not come calling about these decorations until Valentine's Day, as I plan to wallow and jubilate in the glow of their visual holocaust until that date.",

should be called on the carpet for their wrongdoings.

Some people are sick fucks, is what I'm saying, and they advertise this fact at the end of every year with blinking snowmen and giant flashing snowflakes hung from tiny spindly trees and big bubblegum colored lights strewn across their yards in such a fashion that calls into question motor skills and rational thought.

But you know this. Because I've shown you pictures and given you commentary and, as I realized it recently after being reminded that it was nearly time for the Fugly House Contest again, basically said all I can say.

So, I won't be doing any verbal destruction of neighborhood holiday decorations this year. Not formally anyway. And it's not because I've been tamed into submission or *HORRORS* converted into a holiday decorating fiend myself, it's because I don't want to be redundant or boring. So, unless I see something that warrants special attention (there is one house that comes to mind, but mostly because I'm almost certain I could get them arrested for a felony based on some offenses they're committing with their decor), I'll probably stick to my other favorite topics like running, eating kale, watching fava beans grow and maybe knitting a thing.

Because that's not redundant or boring at all.


  1. I like my lights. Except this year Matt was in charge of design and we look trailer-tastic-ready and it's awful. I told him don't even plug them in because it's too embarrassing. The lady across the street is spanking us and it's too shameful.

    You should come to Duluth for Bentleyville. Or go to: It used to be in his YARD but it has since moved to the Bayfront Park. It's actually really fun to walk through. ;)

  2. Aw, damn. The mockfest is one of my favorite parts of the holiday season. Oh well, I suppose I can improvise my own, but it just won't be the same without you Finny. Happy Chanukkah (or however the hell you're supposed to spell that).

  3. Sara - That's for crazy people. I can't deal. We drove by something similar this weekend on our way to Tahoe and nearly both seized up in the truck.

    I do not understand it and, frankly, it scares me.

    Amy - Don't worry, doll - inevitably someone will do something newly terrifying and it will give me something new to say. Look at it this way - anything that comes out of my mouth with regard to holiday decorations will be freshly mean and spiteful. :)

  4. Lights I enjoy, mostly because they relieve the godawful darkness and depression of the pitch-black country winter.

    But inflated characters that are inevitably half deflated and sad-looking? Please. No.

  5. But I didn't read your blog last year. Or the year before. I'm checking out those old mocking posts, because if there is one thing I can't stand it is Christmas light freaky people, and if there is one thing I love, it is making fun of them. Or anyone. Just making fun of people.

  6. Awwww, c'mon Finny! Can't you scour our some suitable victim on one of your runs? I think you should present us with someone new every year -- you know it's not from lack of trying out there -- there ARE candidates!

  7. OK uprisers - I have come up with an alternative snarky holiday event that I hope will quell your insatiable need for me to bemoan everything about the holidays.

    Coming, later today.

    You guys are awesomely mean and I love you.

  8. I`m getting into the spirits.


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.