I may have to retire the ugly librarian sweater. Don't be too sad.

I don't have much of consequence to report on, so I'm going to dedicate today's post to Me Not Freezing My Ass Off This Winter While Also Having Eyebrows because that's what's going on in my life.

And I know you're all consumed with what's going on with my often-eyebrowless life.

Also, my last post was my 800th post and I wanted to call that to everyone's attention because that's a lot of fucking words. And since next month I'll be all-consumed with NaNoWriMo so will probably not do a super ton of blogging, maybe I should put some more words here right now.

Also, since the Giants won Game 1 of the World Series last night, I have to at least show up and be all, "Suck on THAT, Joe Buck, you Cliff Lee worshipping Texas Rangers loving fruitcake." Hate that guy.

And tomorrow I'm going out of town on another fishing trip, so my posting today about that fact gives you all another opportunity to berate me for my multitude of vacations. Look, people, we take vacationing seriously in this house and when someone says to me, as I'm standing ass deep in the beautiful calm waters of the White River, that this place is even more gorgeous and the fishing even more epic in the fall when the leaves are changing and the waters are low, we make plans. Right then and there as Bubba hauls in another trout.

So, now we're going back to make good on our promise to fish for rainbow trout in the White River over Halloween weekend because to flake on that promise would be a tragedy. The fact that the fishing cabin has a big screen TV and the World Series comes on just in time for me to put in a full day on the river, have a shower and cuddle a beer on the giant couch, well that's just reward for being such a reliable friend and dedicated fisherwoman.

I know you see it the way I do.

SEE IT MY WAY.

There.

So, there are many reasons for me to show my face here today, but mostly I want to share with you the biggest thing to hit our house since, well, I almost blew it up with my rookie furnace lighting skills:

We're getting a new fireplace today.

Sound like not such a big deal? Whoa ho ho, folks - not so fast. For us and our tiny house with only one death defying heat source OR the messy ass polluting wood burning fireplace, a new fireplace is a big fucking deal.

We're having our wood burning fireplace converted to gas. This means a few things:

• I can keep my eyebrows, eyelashes and hairline in one piece barring any catastrophic run-ins with the BBQ
• When I walk into my house after working all day and it's cold as a muther effing witch's vag, I don't have to haul all the way out to the back, in the rain, to get wood to start a fire in the fireplace which takes a million years and makes an unholy mess
• The event known as Going To Bed doesn't have to be strategically organized hours in advance in order to allow the fire to die out in time
• We don't have to deal with the wood delivery guy's dog taking massive gooey dumps all over my yard while he dumps a cord of wood in our driveway and Bubba wheelbarrows it back and forth
• I get enough space back in my yard for the beehive (more to come on that soon)
• We may not reach the dew point in our house this winter
• I may have to retire the ugly librarian sweater because it won't be so irretrievably cold to warrant wearing the ugliest thing in creation and because I'd like to score during the winter months

 (I'm sure you understand that last one at least.)

And, the most important of all things, I have a new remote control.

Friends, I love remote controls. Because I am a control freak and I'm lazy. And when a remote control actually saves me a shit ton of work that used to leave me dirty, exhausted and crabby as all get out - I want to spend some time alone in a dark room with it.

Not really.

But I am really looking forward to my new Walking Into A Cold House After Work activity of "building a fire" by pushing one button. POOF - fire ON.

And then, when I haven't created a minute by minute battle plan for going to bed without leaving a raging fire burning in my living room, I can hit the button again and POOF - fire OFF.

Oh my god I'm already drunk with the power of remote controlled fire. Now I know how the Peking Man felt.

And I guess that's all I've got for this 801st blog post. But you know that when I get back from fishing for trout and screaming at a fishing cabin's TV for 4 days, I'll have pictures and probably some stories to share. After that, though, we'll commence the NaNoWriMo freaking out.

Gooooooooodie.