Who does the crockpot think he is anyway? [RECIPE]

Two days later. BUT WHATEVER.

I guess I thought the 80s din-din theme was fun and that I wanted to relive it some more, because I busted out the crockpot this week in the name of Pot Roast.

Now, I realize, neither the crockpot or pot roast are really inventions from the 80s (in fact, I'm pretty sure the crockpot came out in the 70s) but since *I* was invented only in the latest years of the 70s, all my memories of crockpots and Pot Roast and shit cooking all the live long day on my mom's kitchen counter are from the 80s.

And, looking back on it, I'm not 100% sure that my mom had a crockpot. Or ever made pot roast. Where do these memories come from? Maybe brisket? Maybe the pressure cooker? We had those things for sure.

Anyway, whatever. I busted out our Supah Old Crockpot the other day and proceeded to make Pot Roast.

FOR TWO DAYS.

Yes, it would seem that our Supah Old Crockpot, when set on "Low" as directed in my not-at-all complicated pot roast recipe, really means "Off".

So, when I went merrily on my way to work on Monday, with the crockpot all full of beef rump and carrots and the leftover boiling onions I found at the bottom of the freezer (score) set to "Low", I was setting myself up for some incredible disappointment.

See, I fantasized all day about the fabulousnessocity of walking into my house after a long day at work to the waft of a warm beefy dinner waiting just for me to slice it and make some Mix Mash and plate it all Supah Quick Like.

I mean, isn't that really the allure of slow-cookery? The ability to have both a full time job and a decent dinner. I think it is. I mean, yes, it tastes good, but it's friggen slow and if I didn't have a FTJ to go to everyday, I sorta doubt I'd mess with the thing.

Anyway - that's not important right now - the fact that I came home to the smell of NOTHING in my kitchen IS important - and also the most disappointing thing ever.

Here I was thinking, "Sweet! Dinner is going to take me, like, 10 minutes to make, but it's going to be ruuuully good and Bubba will love it and, in so doing, will love ME extra and WOO! Plus, we're so getting rid of those old onions and that one random potato and that celery root. Score."

Again, I know my life is small and weird, so you know - no need to bring it to my attention because it's already there.

But, alas, my big dreams of crockpot roast were not to be. Because our crockpot is lazy. Or a communist. Or old. Or an annoying combination of these things that amounted to a very-lightly warmed rump roast waiting for me in the crockpot.

WTF.

Thankfully, I don't give up that easy.

TAKE THAT CROCKPOT THAT TRIES TO TEST ME!

I don't really recall what we had for dinner on Monday, but I do clearly recall cranking that fucker up to 300 degrees and letting it crock until we went to bed. And then, in the morning, I cranked it back up to 300 and let it crock all day long.

So, Tuesday night, after I worked all day and then got my hair done, I got to walk into the wafty house.

Finally, already. Geez.

This isn't a great photo. But it's hard to take a flattering picture of beef rump.
You understand.

And, I'll say it, it was pretty damn good.

Pretty damn good because I also made gravy.

Now, if you ever want to watch a Midwestern boy swoon, move him to California for a decade, where we don't have things like dinner rolls or gravy or pork sausage or fried chicken on our menus all the time, and then give it to him.

Then you can watch his eyes roll back and knees buckle and hands clasp at the bosom and what not.

I wish I'd taken a picture of Bubba's face when he realized that, not only were we having pot roast AND mashed potatoes (+celery root) AND homemade rolls for dinner, we were also having homemade gravy. It was priceless.

I really don't know what I was thinking when I registered for a gravy boat.
Who do I think I am?

Oh the gravy, it is the glue that holds together some marriages. Mine in particular. Sausage gravy, beef gravy, chicken gravy - it matters not.

And, to hear Bubba tell it, my gravy is "pretty fucking good." And since I will take my compliments however I get them and then share them with all the world because I'm very self-involved, I will share my recipe with you in the event that you decide to make pot roast from this recipe and then want the accompanying gravy to pour over the top from the gravy boat you registered for when got married five years ago and have only used twice. Including this time.

Those mashed potatoes and celery root are my new favorite thing.

Finny's Pretty Fucking Good Gravy
Recipes made up by Finny based on limited gravy knowledge and supply on hand.

Ingredients
Drippings from Simple Pot Roast recipe
3 T cornstarch
Fresh ground pepper
Kosher salt

To make
First, make your Simple Pot Roast according to the recipe instructions and don't forget to include a little wiggle room in your schedule for Supah Old Crockpot needs like mentioned earlier. Just in case, you know.

Put your roast on a cutting board (cover with a foil tent, of course) and remove the carrots and onions and whatever other veggies to a bowl with a slotted spoon.

Place a fine mesh strainer over a heatproof bowl and pour the drippings from the pot through the strainer and into a bowl.

This was ruully gross before I strained it. Ew. Beef globs.

Then sprinkle about a tablespoon of cornstarch over the gravy, whisking constantly until incorporated. Do this with the remaining cornstarch until the gravy becomes opaque.

In a small sauce pot, bring the gravy to a low boil, stirring constantly until thickened. Add fresh ground pepper and salt to taste.

The low boil on this gravy was highly satisfying.

Then pour it into your favorite and mostly unused gravy boat and savor the results of a happy husband.

We usually use this gravy boat to pour water into our iron.

Plus, it's pretty fucking good - so you can have some, too, while perhaps trying to recall similar childhood events that may or may not have actually happened.