Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Status of my melons + Running update

I had no idea that people (other than Bubba) had any interest in the status of my melons, but given the comments yesterday and some interesting emails, I feel compelled to provide a status on my melons. All my melons - on the vine and on the bod.

We share openly around here, folks. (But don't get any ideas.)

It also gives me a good segue for a Running Update, which is long overdue given that I haven't stopped running or training for my #2 half marathon in October even though I've stopped talking about it, which isn't like me at all. I like to chat, that much is obvious, and when the chatter stops, it's time to worry.

And so, in the name of decency (or at least my warped interpretation of it, anyway) I will begin with a status of the melons on the vine.

Midget Melons
Status: Firm, growing and, it would appear - reborn.

There was a time during this growing season when I was preparing myself to write off an entire bed of vegetables. It wasn't a pretty time because it involved a lot of me putting on my favorite garden gloves twice (or more) a day so that I could go smash the shit out of the squash bugs invading my vegetables in bed #2.

The Ronde de Italia squash that I so blindly purchased in lieu of the eight ball squash I really wanted was, as it turned out, something of a violent mistake. Not to say that the eight ball squash wouldn't have incurred the same hellish onslaught of bugs, but it's not there to prove me wrong, so I'm choosing to blame the runner-up Ronde de Italia squash that most certainly did invite the squash bugs to come live next to my precious melons and cucumbers.

When the stupid squash went in, a whole colony of bastard bugs came charging out of the shadows and went TO WORK on moving into the squash plant and also destroying everything in its path. And in its path was the Midget Melon plant I was so excited to have growing. All small and with its promised compact habit and CUTE single-serving sized melons.


Of course, the bugs went to work right on the melons and when I wanted to save them, I consulted my Rodale's guide to find that the only organic methods for handling squash bugs is to either treat the soil with neem before planting (too late) OR hand pick the bugs off the plants.


This is when I admit to going quietly insane and hijacking a pair of needlenose pliers from Bubba's rolling tool chest because they were just the right long skinny size to sneak between the vines and PLUCK CRUNCH the squash bugs to death before they could annoyingly scurry away underneath the giant plant.

And so, like some kind of criminal lunatic, I collected myself a big plastic tub of squash bug carcasses in the name of the Midget Melon. I did not, however, make myself a suit from their skins, so I feel like that redeems me in the eyes of normal people. Just say that it does, k.

Then I pulled the squash plant out (suckah!), trained the volunteer tomato plant growing behind it onto a post and set about the task of reviving the forlorn little melon plant.

The first thing I did was cut off the one melon that had lived through the invasion so that the plant could put some effort into producing the other little sprouts. Then I watched the whole plant crispify in the newly discovered sunshine after having spent its younger months in the shade of the Squash Plant of Doom. Then I went about ritualistically KER-SMASHING every tiny squash bug baby that had the gall to present itself to me while I was wearing gloves.

I hold a grudge against bugs. This is a personal flaw.

Then I went on vacation, and upon my return - TEE DAH - there were SIX new melons just lying there all happy growing like it's what they were born to do. Well, then.

And just to show them how much I loved them, I put them up on pedestals. Recycled ones made from the bottom of my sparkling water bottles, so that no soil-livers would gnaw into their sweet flesh.

After all this, it looks like they might live to produce more melons and that makes me exceedingly happy even though I know that by putting this in writing that some awful fate is going to befall my melons and I will be back here crying about it soon enough.

Lady Melons (and Running Update)
Status: Sorely disappointed with my choice for the morning's run

I did not take a picture of my lady melons because that would be porny, and while I'm not always a perfect lady ahem I don't typically go around showing off my lady parts. That'd be weird.

However, I revisited an old theme this morning that has never, NOT ONCE, resulted in a positive experience. And yet, I continue trying.

See, there's this thing I have to do when I run called doubling up on the um support. Meaning that while I wear a running top with one of those shelf bra things in it, I am also wearing a sports bra.

I think this is normal, so don't try to tell me otherwise.

This is so that the lady melons don't get to jiggling all over the place and I can focus on running instead of managing the puppies bouncing around in my top. My goal is to have a 100% jiggle free run and usually the doubling up does the trick. I haven't messed with my strategy since I began training for actual races (instead of running randomly around my neighborhood) so it's kind of bizarre that this morning, at 6am, I decided today was the day to revisit my old stupid idea that HEY, I don't need a sports bra with this top - I'll just go freely out into the world with just this running top and it's supportive shelf bra.

Uh-huh, no.

While I managed to finish my little 3 mile training run in record time (00:25:00), I believe we can attribute my speed to discomfort rather than stamina.

I literally raced home so that I could end the pain and jiggling which was, in a word, obscene. I just hope that my elderly neighbors didn't see me because sometimes they're outside at that hour patrolling the neighborhood via Rascal and reprimanding people who don't pick up after their pooping dogs.

We love them and need them on our side. So, if I become the neighborhood Booby Lady, they might stop enforcing their you better pick that shit up rule in front of our house.

As for the Running part of this Update - I'm still running and training for the half in October, but I haven't gone beyond 9 miles on my long run yet and my knees are starting to get sore at an hour flat. And while that isn't the best news ever, I am still planning to go for 10 when we get back from Vegas this weekend (which is a whole other OTHER story) and I'm considering some new cushy insoles so if you have any suggestions for insoles or other miraculous ways I can stave off crippling sore knees, I'd love to hear it.

Until then, I'll be going back to the two sports bra method for the lady melons, watching for bugs on the Midget Melons and attempting to redeem myself with some other posts this week that don't involve my boobs.

Hey, you asked.

My Associated Content article on the subject of sports bras.


  1. How can you tell if your melons are ripe? (the ones in the garden)

    I thumped on one of my Sugar Babies and it sounded hollow (???) so I picked it, and it was green green green. Sob. So what should I look for before pillaging again?

  2. Congrats on all the progress. While I manage to kill every green plant in my house--I have no advice there. I have run a race or two. You may need to replace your shoes if they are older. That can cause lots of problems. Other than that invest in some Body Glide. It is the most amazing invention ever.


  3. I don't run anymore (except when chasing sheep), but when I DID run back in my athletic days, I felt your pain. I always envied flat girls because it is NO FUN to run if you're bigger than about a B cup. Even if the motion is under control, then there's the flattening effect and the discomfort caused by that. Bah.

  4. I think it's perfectly normal to wear two bras to support your lady melons. I barely need one because mine are tiny (which I'm sure you're thrilled to know), but my friend and I had a discussion about this just the other day. I've seen an absurd number of women running lately with lady melons flopping all over the place and I was finding it highly disturbing. Not being well-endowed, I had to consult my well-endowed friend and she assured me that her girls are tightly strapped in with two bras that practically cut off her circulation.

  5. Looks like you're having a great time with all the produce -- how fun! And go easy on the knees -- BigDaddy is one week out from a knee replacement -- it's not pretty!

  6. off topic... i saw this.. chard stuffed with risotto.. yum..


  7. Doubling up on the "support" is completely normal and super necessary. I feel your pain!

  8. I'm sure you've heard of Title Nine, but just in case you haven't, you should check them out. They sell women's athletic clothing (which I don't actually need or use, so I'm not sure how I got on their mailing list) and they sell bras. I remember reading once that a particular bra was 'a real masher' but they promised an absolutely jiggle free workout. I especially like the Dynamic Duo Bra, which prevents the 'Unibreast look' (and the description uses words like compression and encapsulation).


    And, yes, I'll say it... your melons are looking fantastic!

  9. Oh, I totally use the double support system. My friend (who has even larger melons than I) swears by this bra


    I was also wondering how you know when the melons are ripe too. I thought one of my precious watermelons was ready and it was green inside too! tear.

  10. As a fellow double-upper, this post cracked me up. The Moving Comfort Melbourne bra is amazing - it is pricey, but you can get it for reduced price (as long as you don't mind the color) on sierra trading post's website.

  11. Yeah, that's why I hate exercise...too hard on the lady melons. Lying on the sofa and gorging myself with Olympic coverage is my idea of sports.

  12. I Have allways been told more than a Mouth full, is a waste.


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.