Monday, February 18, 2008

The Science

One day a year I set aside all of the school age promises I made to myself and I do some science.

Why would I do such a traumatizing thing that is so certain to bring about swearing and the inevitable and also verboten activity known as EVIL math?

Because having a bountiful garden is *that* crucial to my existence.

If only my chem and bio teachers had known this in high school, perhaps they would have included some lessons on how to analyze soil and calculate amendments for optimum tomato harvests instead of making me slice up a McDonald's hamburger and test it for nutrients (of which it contained "too few for a reliable sample").

Alas, they did not. We tested french fries, too, and I believe also the giant soda in a Combo Meal, none of which got me any closer to understanding the true nutrients in a normal diet OR the right amount of phosphate to add to soil which showed "Somewhat depleted" on its test indicator.


This just all meant that when I became The Crazy Garden Lady, I was going to have to learn the hard way about what happens when you plant tomatoes in the same bed two seasons in a row without doing squat to the soil.

In a phrase, Soul Crushing Disappointment is what.

And so that I never have to stare teary-eyed at another shriveled and unproductive tomato plant again, I do The Science. And then begrudgingly, I do The Math.

Although, I do keep it real by at least doing Finny's Fuzzy Math which includes a lot of eye-fucking of the measurements and rounding around of numbers and such. Also - Big Love to Google Calculator for doing most of The Math for me so that I don't have to kill myself with the rake. Woo! Pounds to ounces, ounces to cups - DO IT ALL muhuhahahahaha - and I'll take all the credit for not accidentally adding 40x the amount of potassium to the soil as I was supposed to whoops.

And because I'm extra crazy semi-organized in a fuzzy sort of way, I even had last year's measurements in the same notepad that I took out to do this year's measurements. Whoa.

Anyway, the analyzing and measuring and wandering of the amendment aisle at the nursery with a dog who would really just like to roll naked in a big bag of bat poop is over and the beds are ready for their seeds. Which I hope will show up soon. Because hello I ordered them over a week ago and would like to touch them and talk to them and tell them that they are going to have the raddest home ever as soon as it rains and finishes "cooking" the soil.

Please all start to send fast-moving thoughts to the seed people and ask them nicely (but sternly) to get tuh shipping so I can stop staring at our mailbox in that annoying stalker way.

While we wait though, why don't you just keep voting on which crop you would adopt for the empty space in Bed #3 and I'll take the pooch to the park so she can sniff some dog butt and hopefully get the guano out of her nostrils. Then, when the seeds get here, I'll call off the voting and announce the big winner of Empty Slot in Bed #3 and we can all be on our way.

For those of you keeping score, Butternut Squash is still in the lead, but as of right now there is a three way tie for 2nd place between Beets, Sweet Peppers and Salsa Peppers. Poor Pickling Cucumbers are trailing - but only by 1 point. So, if you want to read posts where I make lewd and suggestive comments about phallic vegetables and also try my very hardest to make pickles, you better get to voting otherwise it's going to be all Butternut Squash this or Salsa Pepper that despite your deep down wishes.

And, really, wouldn't that just be a shame.


  1. Eh, math. But for a veggie garden? I'd consider it! I voted for salsa peppers. Yum.
    This is such a fun project.

  2. You can tell Bubba that I vote for his pickling cucs! "cause I want to see what kind of whacked out pickles you make from them!!! But I admitt I was torn between them & the salsa peppers.


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Look at you commenting, that's fun.

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Sucks, right?

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