Monday, December 17, 2007

I'm trying to be merry, really.

Why does it have to be this way?

Wouldn't it be nice to just have, like, a few strands of lights brightening up the entry way, or maybe a wreath or what about just a tree in the front window? That would look nice. People would know it was Christmas in that house and that they were merry and festive and were welcoming others to enjoy the holiday spirit or whatever it is that they're trying to do when they dress their house up like a common whore and block out the night sky with their festive overdoingness.

I mean, I assume that's what people are going for: merriment, joy, festiveness. But I could be wrong. Maybe people like to have it look like they pissed off Walt Disney and he sent the Main Street Electric Parade to their house to kick some ass.

Because, to me, that's exactly what this looks like:

And then in other parts of this great nation, the same thing is going on. You know, a low grade Christmas assault on the neighborhood. What is stopping these people from parking a cannon in their front yard and shooting red and green cannonballs across the street at their neighbors?

"Merry Christmas Neighbor I Probably Haven't Ever Formally Met! LOOK AT MY SUPER MERRY HOUSE AND LIGHTS! I am the Christmasy-est ever! BEHOLD MY BIG CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!"

Courtesy of Steven in PA

Courtesy of Steven in PA

Courtesy of Elizabeth in Texas.

So, I'm trying to be merry, really I am. I've baked cookies. I've baked festive bread. I've been happily displaying all the cute cards you fun people send me of your kids torturing Mall Santa and you torturing your pets with holiday outfits made for babies. I've wrapped gifts and made many crafts and will be walking the neighborhood this weekend to hang a little holiday somethin' from my neighbor's doorknobs. I just don't like the tan I'm getting from being exposed to the wasteland of Wal-Mart's Seasonal Decor aisle that's draped over my neighborhood. So just go ahead and stoppit, you people who *just need to put up a few more lights because OH I found these blinky blinky ones today that we don't have yet in that one empty space in the yard* - stop it now.

I totally get that it's Super Christmas at your house and that you really like inflatable creatures and people (whoa) and you want everyone to know how you care way more that your house has the most lights and also animated deer and snow-blowing contraptions rather than mowed lawn, raked leaves and mail that's been brought in during the last century.



  1. Really, what is it with those awful, inflatable monstrosities? Those things piss me off something terrible.

  2. It looks like the elves barfed on your neighborhood!

  3. Is that a turkey? A lit turkey?

  4. Good God! I can't even identify those illuminated animals. Birds on wire tripods? Kel, I think the 2nd one looks like a turkey too. The best part is the whole May-pole design... um, we just had a few leftover boxes of lights, so we thought, let's just string them here. I can just picture the electric meters going haywire when they turn that production on. Does it have music? Oh, please tell me it has music. (BTW, where IS that? In your 'hood?)

  5. That is so funny! (I am in TX) and we saw on the news the other day, this woman has used over 50,000 lights. Now come on people. Just stop! This guy called in that was actually worried for her safety. I am more worried for her neighbors and them having to walk around their house with tanning goggles on, so as not to get retna damange :)

  6. Wendy - I have some photos for you. Our neighbors have more inflatable decorations than they do children or place settings.

    Nell - I believe that is how they got that big star on top.

    Kelli - Yes. A lit fucking turkey. Can you believe?

    Shelley - There is music. Sometimes it's really loud. And the lights also flash in random scary sequences. It is The One of Christmas Light Fugliness.

    Andrea - This I must see. I'm going to go search Google News for it now. Thank you for that.

  7. These are all fine examples, but I think you'll have to agree that none hold a candle (how wry!) to the Garebian Christmas House in the Bronx, NY. This baby is decorated all year long - and when it rains, they cover up the dummies with plastic.


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.