Monday, January 29, 2007

Climbing. Crafting. It's the same.

My favorite climbing pants, let me describe them to you...

They were green. They were Prana. They fit oh so flatteringly even when I had them rolled up my calves and stretched across my thighs while I tried to make overly ambitious moves up the rock. I did my first trad climb in these pants. I went on my first backpacking trip with Bubba in these pants. I ate shit on another backpacking trip when I decided to "ski" down a steep leafy trail instead of carefully descend, in these pants.

I love these pants.

Alas, they are not bulletproof. And during one fateful climbing trip, their last, this fact was proven without a doubt. Proven when I was about 30 feet off the ground, stretching optimistically toward a fleshy looking hold, thinking only about how one more inch on my ape index would be extra nice when, SSSSSSSCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPP!

*Sad moment* Favorite climbing pants ripped from hip to crotch.

Note: I am not a fan of full-butt undies.

Note 2: I was climbing with a group of four guys.

Note 3: Two of which I'd never met before this day.

Note 4: One of whom was my husband who was laughing hysterically.

My choices were to either:

1. Fling myself back from the rock, wrap whatever is left of my pants around my recently exposed cheeks and hope to hell that Bubba had my belay.


2. Lunge for the hold, hope to hell I make it and then laugh and say, "Yep. That's my ass. Right there."And then finish the climb, descend, wear my fleece around my waist for the rest of the day and NEVER LOOK ANYONE IN THE EYE AGAIN. *Also, ignore creepy climber guy who kept making comments about my ass.

I went with Option 2 since the sudden pants rippage propelled me just enough to make the hold attainable.

Score! And, yikes. is clear that these pants and I have a history. So, it's easy to understand why, when I came across them in my ruthless garage clean out this weekend, I couldn't toss them in the trash.

What to do though? Too thin to sew up (again, for the third time). Too ratty to donate. Too, ahem, breezy to wear to the park.

The answer: Climbing Apron

With a little interpretive sewing (read: using the ass rip as a convenient guide for slicing the pants in two) and some left over black elastic, I managed to salvage myself a ripper of an apron.

We like to call it the Extreme Apron.

And to celebrate, I extremely made some Chinese Barbecued Pork from the latest issue of Cook's Illustrated. Then we extremely ate it so friggen fast because it took an hour longer than I'd planned AND was EXTREMELY fucking good. So, story short, no pictures of dinner.

However, here is the Extreme Apron for your viewing pleasure:


  1. Holy hell. How crazy are you? How crazy crafting climbing are you?? LOVE IT! And where can I get me a pair of them there pants? And better yet, an apron made of such pants?
    love it. I can't wait for you to come visit again so we can go to the rock gym and I can wow you with my 5.8 skills. That's right baby, I'm up to 5.8. Next week? 5.10. :)

  2. I love Prana pants. My condolences. You should forward a link to this post to the company -- I think they'd get a kick out of it. I sure would if I made pants that people loved so much they made aprons out of the tattered remnants.

  3. I can safely saytbis is first time I have ever heard of someone making an apron from climbing pants. Way to go. oh and well done on completing the climb.

  4. That is wonderful (and environmentally conscious!) Your story had me laughing.

  5. Hey you, well, we don't call you Bombshell #2 for nothing, now, do we?

    I agree with Molly, totally forward this to the Prana people. My money's on a free new pair of pants, but that's just me if I were them. They should feature this story in their next catalog, if they have one, with a pic of you in the new free pants they should send you.

    And, how creative are you? Rugged AND domestic. What a catch. Tell Bubba to give you a big bacio for me.

  6. What a great story [and I too, love Prana gear!]. The apron looks great!

  7. Kelli - 5.8 already! You're kicking ass - we'll so go to the gym next time I'm in town. And when you come here - we'll go out to Castle Rock and I can show you the famed rock I was on when the Mass Ass Exposure occured. It's famous now, you know.

    Molly - Not a bad idea! I have since gone out and gotten another pair, o' course, but the way I go through pants (apparently) I will probably need a new pair soon. hehe.

    Tinker - That is close to Bubba's comment. His included a raised eyebrow and a request for dinner. And thank you - that climb was a beast and the move was totally worth it.

    Ms Adventures - So granola crunchy right? I am a mean green recycling assless pants machine!

    Shelley - And this is why I love you - I will remind Bubba of his Catch with a big bacio :)

    Jess - thanks! I was worried the apron was going to look fucked up, but it actually turned out better than I expected. The extra black elastic for the neck strap was clutch. Do you like the belt? Original!!

  8. you're sooo crafty. I love it.


  9. I seriously am rolling on the floor becuase I could totally see me doing the exact same thing. Way to finish the climb! I would have probably gone with option 1 and then demanded a second try at the climb to make up for the failed attempt. And I LOVE the apron. (rebecca - Kelli's friend)

  10. That has got to be the cutest thing ever. I agree- send it to Prana, story and all. They'll send you new pants, I guarantee it.

  11. that is the funniest story ever!!! and cutest apron ever, too!!

  12. Alana Smithee10/25/2007 11:39 AM

    I keep expecting it to fly open, and suddenly... ASS!! I guess the next step would be figuring out how it got to the front...


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Look at you commenting, that's fun.

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