Tuesday, November 04, 2014

Definitely not boring or sad

Um, right - so Jada.

This dog - she's taking years off my life is how much I love this girl.

I dare you to not adore me. GO ON TRY IT.

Because a few weeks ago, right after Bubba took off for a week's trip to London, girlfriend had a majorly bizarre meltdown of the butthole variety that very nearly wiped me from this planet with worrying.

See, if you've followed her exploits over the years, you know that she's basically bulletproof.

She backcountry skis.

She hauls 1/3 of her body weight.

She kills and eats every wild thing.

She's also delightfully predictable and reliable and easy going about pretty much everything.

Ride in the car for 2 days to go skiing? This is acceptable with papa scratchins.

Everything except her butthole. Suddenly. Alarmingly.

See, I came home from work one of these Bubbaless nights with the intention of taking her for a walk and returning to sit my living room couch while a friend regaled me with stories of girlfriend catching up.

Which was SO not to be.

Instead, my night was more like taking her for a walk in which she was all sad and weird and then returning to hover around her while she did not eat but instead her butthole took on the look of a baboon's.

Which, no I did not take a picture. THAT'S HOW WORRIED (and horrified) I WAS. NO PICTURES. ONLY WORRYING.

I ended up taking the baboon to the vet and spending the next two days immersed in 4 alarm WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE DOG, EXPENSIVE SLOW TALKING VET?! mode and ending up with the very best diagnosis an oncology vet can just ever fucking deliver.

Oncology vet without a sense of humor: Jada has an abnormal colon.

Me: So, you're saying it's not cancer?

Oncology vet without a sense of humor: It's not cancer. The very end of her colon is just abnormally shaped.

Me: So, you're saying that her butthole is weird. Canine Abnormal Butthole Disease.

Oncology vet without a sense of humor: It's not a disease. It's just an abnormally shaped colon.

Me: I bet you don't give that diagnosis a lot, huh? "You're dog has a weird butthole, ma'am."

Oncology vet without a sense of humor: It's actually her colon.

Me: I can't believe I've said butthole, like, a hundred times and you haven't laughed once. Come on. This is my coping mechanism. This and drinking.

Oncology vet without a sense of humor: Jada has a weird butthole, yes.

Me: THANK YOU! I need a drink.

Anyway, yeah, the vet really never came all the way around to join me in my coping mechanism humor so I'm just letting it go.

But still - Weird Butthole is the best diagnosis ever. And not just because it's not cancer.

But the real story. Which, surprisingly, is not about weird buttholes or cancer.


As in, Jada was returned to me without any.

Now, I don't know what goes on in super expensive fancy ass oncology veterinarian offices, but nipple shaving off is apparently one of the things.

Again, I don't have pictures, so you're just going to have to take my word for it here, but I'm sure you can imagine my alarm when returning home with my beloved sweet slightly still doped and recently repeatedly ass-probed dog to find, upon belly rubbin's that UM...smooth.

Like, imagine this but with a pink bare belly with six red spots ALL SMOOTH. Creepy.

The hairlessness and pinkness was no surprise. Obviously she has to be shaved before they can do the ultrasound thing to look for cancer in her guts. But the nipplelessness was a surprise.

As were the red spots where her nipples used to be.


Because apparently her Cleansing Retreat of six enemas, a colonoscopy, a biopsy and ultrasound wasn't enough. They also had to rid her of her pesky dog nipples.


It's weird.

But for all of you sweet dog-loving people who have emailed me and Facebook messaged me and texted me - Jada is cancer free and living a life of leisure and homecooked meals.

Seriously. This dog has it fucking made. I'm so worried about her not eating and, thus, sending herself back into Angry Baboon Butthole Let's Go To The Really Expensive Ass Probing Vet land, that I'm basically cooking/preparing/handfuckingcrafting her breakfast and dinner every day.

Making chicken stock in which to cook rice. Shredding chicken to put in said rice. Stockpiling her favorite kibble to mix in the rice. Bubba has been hand choosing the most delicious sounding (and looking - is that wrong?) canned "entrees" to cut with her rice and chicken. Chopping up that Hillshire Farm Sausage looking dog food log thing to mix in with the rice and chicken. Warming it all up so that she gets a good hot meal.

It's so out of control here. I'm certain that we've become those weird pet owners and now I can't judge people who put their dogs on raw food diets and shit because, well, here I am with a slow cooker full of chicken making homemade stock so that she can have her precious delicious chicken rice.

But when I hear the crunching of kibble, it's all worth it.

And phew.


  1. Wait, I pretty much was up to date on all of this except the nipply bits.

    They shaved them off!? On purpose?! By accident? Are they scabby now? Did they charge you for 6...7...8?...mastectomies? (I know, it's not just about the nips in reality) Did you give them holy hell for removing your dogs nips without your approval?? I'm thinking something like that isn't going to just GROW BACK. You should tell them Jada is now having emotional issues with the unapproved removal of her nipples, and that you're taking her to this guy ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/31/vinnie-myers-tattoo-breast-cancer_n_6078806.html ) that's been in the news a bit lately, and that you'll be sending them his bill.

    In all seriousness though - weird news about the ta-tas, but the rest of the news is great!

    And I'm right there with ya on the weird diet stuff you now have to deal with. After our cat Simon had to have perineal urethrostomy (aka penis removal) this summer, and because he has weird scar tissue inside, we have to feed him a bit of a prescription diet (dry food in the morning, rx wet food in the afternoon, plus fish oil squirts). Our cat Moxie ONLY likes dry kibble, and is a timid eater. Meanwhile Tucker is a food bully and will push the other two out of the way. So unless someone's there supervising the ENTIRE time they're eating, the cats get fed separately from each other, and often with slightly varied food bowls. Grrr...so much fun. You have my sympathy!

    1. I have to assume that they have a retarded intern who's in charge of prepping the animals for their procedures and who is also not good at their job. I also assume that they have very sharp clippers because those babies are simply GONE. No scabs - just red dots where nipples used to live. They did not charge me extra for this service, but it could have been built into one of the MANY other line items on the two page bill.

      Good times.

      When I go in with her for her post-procedure check up, this will be my first question. Specifically, WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE DOG'S NIPPLES?

      And, dude, it sounds way scarier to have a cat come home without its reproductive and peepee parts. How the hell does that work? Actually, no. I don't want to know. I just feel real bad for poor Simon now. Poor handsome guy. Your kitties are hilare, though. I love Tucker even though he's a food bully. Scary to think that his size is only helping him in the bullying department.

  2. Er... did you call and ask, "Where are my dog's nipples???" because that would have been the first thing I did. It's one thing to probe a butthole, but it's quite another to just help yourself to their nipples. We obviously need a follow up post on the status of unsanctioned nipple removal because that is fucked up.

    Secondly, how do you just all of a sudden get an abnormal colon? That seems like something you would be born with, not just one day be like, "Hey dog, this is your colon and I'm sick of being regular. So I'm going to fuck myself up and fuck you up in the process". Nothing about any of this makes any sense.

    And Jeph- why would a cat need it's penis removed?! I have three cats, who are all mildly retarded, and I'm not even sure if they have a penis anymore, but hypothetically- I can't ever say I've heard of this. My Wednesday is completely blown with penis and nipple removal stories.

    1. "Help yourself to their nipples." This is exactly how I'm going to phrase it when I investigate the situation when I take her in for her follow up appointment. Because this is a conversation I need to have in person with the vet so that he can inspect the patient and confirm that, yes, your retarded intern helped themselves to my dog's nipples and yes, I would like to be compensated for said loss of nipples.

      The colon thing, well, that was a fun surprise brought on by a case of the shits which aggravated the colon which then decided to melt down and go all baboony. Kind of like how my arthritis lay dormant until I sprained my toes and then HELLO YOUR WALKING LIFE IS FUCKED.

      Delightful surprises as we age.

  3. OMFG you guys!!! I was already losing it over the story of our sweet puppy and then I read these two comments and just about peed my pants. These words you are all saying make absolutely no sense!!!!!

    1. The joys of aging and pets and aging pets. I'm just hopeful that my butthole doesn't go all abnormal on me because I don't think I can handle all that as well as Jada did and I KNOW no one's making me all of this nice food to aid in my recovery.

  4. gawd, the things we do! i have 5 dogs and one of them is always stepping up to do something totally messed up. yesterday i came upstairs to see a Tramadol bottle chewed open and spread across the floor. thankfully it tastes so bad, they did NOT imbibe. a few months ago 2 of them got in a major fight and along with a SUPER long story (and GIGANTIC VET BILL, seriously, like a new Cooper Mini probably), one of them got a rear leg and the other rear leg's toe amputated so we basically had to carry her (55 lbs) around in a sling-like thing that turned her into a doggie suitcase for...a couple of months (because her remaining back leg was broken, too). for the first couple of weeks she was inconsolable and i slept with her on a futon (sometimes half inside her kennel) in the den in front of the tv watching the ENTIRE Mad Men series (and more) throughout the nights. our last departed dog lived so long she couldn't stand still without all 4 of her legs sliding out from under her AND she turned food picky so we would cook ground beef, green beans, mashed potatoes, ETC. and i would feed her one handful/mouthful, then she would take a lap around the kitchen then pass me for another mouthful of food, lap, food, lap, food, ad nauseum. this is only the tip of the iceberg. madness.
    glad your precious is....basically ok, minus nips.

  5. Poor puppy. And yes, I think you're going to turn into one of those crazy pet owners that feeds their dog a raw veggie diet because, well, WEIRDO! But I think, in this case, puppy deserves it!

  6. I'm gonna have to ask my sister the vet about this one, the nipple thing. That's really bizarre.

    Bet she would have laughed with you about the weird butthole jokes, though.

    Very, very glad Jada is mostly okay, if nippleless and possessed of an abnormal colon.


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