Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Don't tangle with me lest I Garden Stare you.

You guys remember how I get the garden to grow, right?

Yeah, well, you thought that my whole "Throw Your Arms In The Air and Say Grow" backyard garden band was just a funny aside for the blog and not a real thing that gets the garden growing, but no.

It totally works.

How do I know?

Because this plant was totally croaking a week ago.

Totally not croaking now. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

 And then I gave it the Garden Stare.

See, the Garden Stare is a lot like the "Throw Your Arms In The Air and Say Grow" thing, except it's mostly just staring, followed by a Finny-style pep talk that goes something like,

"Hi tomato. What's happening here? What's with the wilting? This is not a good look for you. No, you're more of a 'Hey! Look at my big tomatoes and healthy leaves!' kind of tomato. So just stop this wilting. Be strong! Tell whatever is doing this to you to SUCK ON IT because you are going to grow big and strong and probably block out the sun for the Better Boy tomato growing behind you BUT YOU DON'T CARE BECAUSE YOU ARE AWESOME. Amen."

So I guess the Garden Stare is something of a pep talk, prayer and course of verbal abuse rolled into one and accompanied by a very hard staring and palpating of the affected leaves until such time as I feel as though my message and healing powers have been suitably absorbed into the plant.

Perhaps my course language scares off the offending cooties?

Perhaps the plant is very strong.


Perhaps the suspected Fusarium Wilt wasn't Fusarium Wilt at all (since the recovery of the plant has been sustained over the last three days and not just at night, like the references say) and instead it was something else that has gone away now.

Perhaps the copper treatment worked.

Perhaps the copper treatment caused this!

Perhaps the cootie is just biding its time before it can come back just as the plant is producing ripe tomatoes to strike it down it its prime! Oh my god that would be the worst. Let's not think that.

Be positive, people! Don't make me fucking Garden Stare you because I will do it and then what?

Well, something bad is what.

Anyway, I'll stop threatening you. The point of this post was to tell you guys that YAY! The first tomatoes are on the plants and looking like small green (and sometimes wrinkly) marbles and that means that we can begin the countdown to #1 Tomato Day which is usually sometime around 4th of July.


Let's look at more green tomato marbles, think good Garden Stare-y thoughts about the Green Giant tomato and cross all our dangly parts that the two replacement tomatoes for the SBMFEB situation continue growing big and strong and SMBFEB-less lest I have to give them a stern talking to akin to that of the Green Giant tomato.

Tough love, people. Sometimes it's the way to go.

Also, #1 Tomato Day COMING UP!

Better Boy Tomato numero uno.

Better Boy Tomato numero dos.

Green Giant Tomato numero no se`.

And I'll stop throwing Spanish in there because where did that come from anyway? Adios. WHOOPS!

Aye caramba. New tomatoes make me act weird.


  1. Now wait just a gosh-darned minute there!

    Didn't we just experience a spell of utterly crap-tastic cold (and WET!) weather just, like, Monday? And your maters are now rising from the dead all Zombie-Apocalypse-like?! That just ain't right!

    I dunno... Maybe I better go check MY maters and (maybe give 'em an Evil Stare/Insulting-Pep-Talk).

    Either that, or check-up on my Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit.

    (or BOTH!)

  2. Wait. Tomatoes make you act weird?


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.