Monday, February 13, 2012

I am the Ultimate Level of Perfection. [RECIPE]

I don't know whether I ever told you people about this, but a year ago I went to the doctor for a routine check up and got a blood panel done after which my doctor reported that I had high cholesterol.

Not like, "OH MY GOD IT'S SO HIGH THAT I'M DIALING 9-1-1 RIGHT NOW!" kind of high (which actually would have been more helpful than her actual response), but, like, higher than normal.

The fact that I had pulled pork tacos the night before my test *may* have had an impact on the results, but it depends who you ask and I'm done asking people since no one has the same answer.

Anyway, the result of this news was me minorly freaking out and majorly wondering WTF? because I couldn't get that doctor to do either of two things:
  1. Give me the test results (apparently HIPPAA is the scariest monster on the planet)
  2. Explain the severity and then tell me how to fix the issue
Which, in my opinion, are two things that doctors should do when delivering news of any kind - good, bad or life-changingly catastrophic. And if you're me and you're married to the BBQingest, bacon-wrappingest, meat lovingest man of all time - the news of high cholesterol is life-changingly catastrophic.

So, in lieu of my doctor figuring out how to aptly do her job and then help me in my quest for cholesterol truth, I switched doctors.

I just don't believe in miracles, y'all - you understand.

And that doctor immediately ordered a blood panel. Which I set out to have done except that one day I came home from work to find a letter in my mailbox telling me that Doctor #2 Who I Newly Loved was packing up his practice and moving back to North Carolina where, no, he will not be able to interpret any blood tests for me.


So then I did what any potentially high cholesterol having person would do instead of make decisions based on actual information - I canceled our Bacon Of The Month Club membership (I know. Quiet, you.), heaped kale onto every recipe, got super serious about the supplements and did some good old finger crossing.

Come to find out, this method of self-healing was either SUPER EFFECTIVE or my original test results weren't that bad because I just got the results of my blood panel taken two weeks ago and BAM!

Super good cholesterol.

Like, stunningly good GOOD cholesterol and just average bad cholesterol which, when combined means SUPER GOOD CHOLESTEROL LEVELS.

My new NEW doctor (this is #3, if you're keeping count), after berating my #1 doctor for not sharing the actual number or a remedy for resolving the issue the first time around, told me that I should keep doing what I'm doing because my health in general and cholesterol levels, are ideal.


AKA - Model. Perfect. Excellent. Exemplary. Conforming to the ultimate level of perfection.

So, on that note, I firstly texted Bubba to tell him that I was bulletproof and then set about crafting the world's most indulgent celebratory dinner menu.

Grilled Ribeye Steaks with Onion Blue Cheese Sauce
Baked potatoes with fixins (not all of them, just some)
A vegetable I can't recall

And I'd show you a photo of this creation except that I took it on my old phone and WHOOPSY didn't upload it before getting a new phone and I'll stop because no one cares about My Life With Cell Phone bullshit, including me.

But, you might be interested to know that my YAY! MY CHOLESTEROL IS GOOD! celebratory binging didn't end with the amazing dinner that was totally amazing.

It was followed by Pizza Night, a lunch bike to tacos, and four consecutive nights of cocktail hour. Then we ate noodles for the entire weekend (ramen one night, pho the other) and sourced the Grand Finale feast from Del Taco.

DO NOT judge me, people. I am The Ultimate Level of Perfection in my arteries and can do this kind of thing.

Meanwhile, this week's menu reflects the guilt (and potential fresh clogging) associated with the Del Taco coursing through my veins:

Broccoli soup and cabbage apple salad
Baked ziti with the Best Sauce Ever. Yep. and cabbage apple salad
Burgers with avocado and cabbage apple salad

The menu also reflects the status of my crisper which is: ALL CABBAGE ALL THE TIME.

And since I can't find a link to the cabbage apple salad recipe that I use ALL THE TIME, I will list it here. Without a photo because I suck today.

Forgive a girl, OK?

Cabbage Apple Salad
Recipe as recalled by moi
Probably from Sunset or Real Simple or some other recipe having magazine with a shitty search feature

Makes 2-3 servings
1/2 head of cabbage (red, green or both), shredded
1 apple (Pink Lady is my fave), cored and sliced into thin wedges
1/2 cup of cilantro, chopped
1 t honey
3 T olive oil
1/3 cup apple cider vinegar
Salt and ground pepper as you like it

To make
In a large bowl, whisk together the honey, olive oil, apple cider vinegar, salt and pepper. In the same bowl, toss the cabbage and apple until it's covered with the dressing and toss the the cilantro once to incorporate. Serve it right away, otherwise the vinegar makes the cabbage all soggy and it gets weird.

FYI: This goes REALLY well with BBQ, Mexican dishes and all of the other shit I have on the menu up there. Just saying.


  1. Congrats on your cholesterol recovery! But really -- what kind of doctor won't discuss your numbers with you??? Goober??? And hey -- didn't you have the meatloaf recipe on your blog at one time? I know you have the link now -- did the internet nazis get you???

  2. HIPAA really should be terrifying to that ridiculous doctor. Among other things, it does explicitly state that your records *must* be provided to you upon request. If you want them, they have to hand them over.

  3. With all that running you do, and the veggies from the garden I can't imagine that your cholesterol would be that bad, but I'm not a dr :)
    Happy to hear your ok. Did you reinstate your bacon of the month membership? My hubbie would have been all over that.

  4. Doctor #2 didn't move to the Raleigh area, did he, because I need a new doctor and if you liked him then he must have been okay.


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