Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Sleeves now. Almost 2 of them.

So, when we last saw our sweater, it was lying in torso-only form atop Bubba's "perfect fit sweater" as if to say, "Hey, check this shit out - we're the same size!"

This sweater is just this side of cocky, I'll tell you what.

But alas, it was true. And I couldn't have been happier to realize that it wasn't a horrible heart-breaking mistake to retrieve the "perfect fit sweater" from the closet for the purposes of comparing it to the sweater I was allegedly duplicating via knitting needles, yarn and my own two hands.

I put this particular event off for some time because I was sure that they were going to be very different widths and then I'd have to stab my eyes out with those needles and make up some new swears that would even make Bubba cringe.

And that's saying something, people, the man has been with me for nearly a decade now and he's heard some things. Swearing things.

Anyway - no super new and improved swearing happened and no one's eyes got stabbed out because MIRACLE - the sweater I was knitting was the same size as the sweater I was mimicking and so, for the moment, all was right with the world.

And then I'll ask you to remember that I had to halt production on this going-so-well project to await the arrival of the needles I had to buy at the last minute because WHOOPSY I didn't realize that I didn't already own them in my giant supah organized needle case. Damn it. 

Yeah, that was an annoying moment. I had to watch TV without knitting anything and I felt very useless and like I was wasting time. So, I dragged a book out from the office for a second chance which further convinced me that I *was* wasting my time in front of the TV because the book still sucks on Try #2 and now I was missing Tony's newest exploits where he eats "crispy-fried goodness" or whatever while his hair looks all curly and grey and adorable with his midlife crisis earring

Wow. That last paragraph really went off the rails.

Back to the sweater: I have since accepted delivery of said Addi Turbo #7 16" needles and completed 1.25 sleeves. 

True story!

See - here's one of the sleeves:

I'd show you a photo of the .25 of the other sleeve, but that seems sort of stupid. Showing you a photo of one full sleeve totally unattached to the sweater though? That's normal. Normal normal normal. 

And in case you, too, are thinking "Um, lady, that sleeve seems kinda short for a man who is commonly known to have a positive ape index." I will say to you - I know. 

I know it seems short, but I did exactly as the book said and I made Bubba try it on and it is, indeed, approx 2" shy of his armpitty and within the length range they recommend (given an extra inch for his positive ape indexiness) and so I stopped knitting right there.

If nothing else in this whole wide world, I CAN follow directions. In fact, I'm known for it. Seriously. Ask Bubba sometime who he knows who can do most anything if she is furnished with proper directions beforehand and he will say, "Duh. My wife. She fixed the dryer based on the manual it came with."

Not to be immodest or anything, but this is what I've got. And, let's be honest, it's not such an impressive thing to be able to follow directions since that's what they're for, right? Directions are created so that one person can do something another person has already done without that person having to be there to hold their hand. It makes sense that this new person should be able to read those directions and be able to do that thing. Whatever it is. Even if it's knitting a sleeve for a sweater so that it fits right and covers the length of a certain man's left arm.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand now we've come full circle! Phew. I was sure I was derailing again. But no, I pulled it out. I'm sure of it.

The status of the sweater, then, is that I've got the torso done to the armpitties, one full sleeve plus .25 of the other and enough yarn to conceivably finish this sweater in the event that nothing earth shattering happens in the mean time to throw me off my path. 

I predict that the "seamless" attaching of sleeves to torso will be that earth shattering thing, just for the record. And at the rate I'm working on these sleeves, that moment is fast approaching.

Send your suggestions for new swears.


  1. Man. I can't believe how quickly you get your sweaters done. And I have no new swears. You're already the master of my favorite word!

  2. Yipee! A sleeve! I'm nervous for you when it comes time to attach it. Not that I don't have total faith in you or anything.

  3. You'll be able to attach it no problem I am sure.
    My Dad used to say "Fuck me runnin'" whenever something bad happened, like that time that I dropped a bag of quikrete into the 50 gallon bucket of water and it instantly turned from quikrete powder in the bag to concrete in the bag, in the bucket. That was a bad day I tell you, a bad day.

  4. I've always liked "shitfuck." One word. It can be used in so many ways. A bad day is "a total shitfuck of a day." When you're barefoot and you kick the dining room table, a good "shitfuck!" can really help. And George Bush? Man, what a shitfuck that guy was.

  5. Very impressive! I'm looking forward to seeing how the sleeves get attached to the body. As for new swears, I have to be in a swearing instance to remember them correctly.

  6. Don't sell yourself short on your ability to follow instructions! I have a total mental block when it comes to instructions and screw them up all the time. If you asked my husband who could do almost anything if furnished with proper instructions, he would say, "Duh, NOT my wife. And she'll probably forget to buy half the ingredients (in the event of a recipe) or materials needed even though she made a list before goign to the store." Serious problem, I tell you.

  7. Well, my favorite thing to yell is FUCKING WARREN AND JOSIE WEBBER. But you know, that's just me.
    And plus? You are doing an awesome job.

  8. So long time lurker and first time commenter...couldn't resist the opportunity to share a new swear.
    My grandpa was fond of "son of a bitchin' son of a bitch". It was normally reserved for when he had to start the lawn mower but it works very nicely in other capacities too.

  9. Anna - Please note that I have yet to FINISH a full size sweater (that short sleeve one only sorta counts), even though I may be knitting it fast-ish. But thank you - I feel better now :) Wait? What is your favorite word? If it's a 4 letter one, I know I love it.

    Thanks Claudia :)

    Shannon - You and me both, GF. Geez. Seriously. I think I've started knitting slower because of my fear.

    Jemima - That's a funny one! I will have to work this into my routine.

    Decca - Yes. I believe I've heard you use this term. Bubba also enjoys this. Although more as a name-calling word than anything else. Much like you describe with regard to the former President who totally deserves it.

    Michelle - I understand. Inspiration is the mother of invention.

    Nutsy - There's no shame in going to the hardware store five times in a day.

    Kelli - I know Bubba will enjoy that one.

    Oil cloth - Yes! I'm a fan of the "SON OF BITCH" swear where you leave out normal parts of speech to make it more efficient and amusing. Son of a bitchn' is new to me, though. I'll have to test drive it.

  10. oh, can't wait to see this! don't worry, the sleeves will look great. they are tight at first, then they loosen uponce you knit more.


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