Thursday, July 17, 2008

Punk Rocket

I'm high from the fumes.

Normally I don't bring up the cat because I'm afraid of being called a Crazy Cat Lady or accused of using the Internets to bombard people with mind-numbing minutia about my cat's daily bowel movements, BUT, I think my recent foray into cat torture warrants at least a short post where I display evidence that, no matter what happens with my career, I can NOT ever be a cat groomer.

See, we have a Maine Coon. Her name is Rocket. She has many interesting characteristics such as bloodthirstiness, a great love for waffles, a fetish for men's hair products and an affinity for being shaved.

For some reason, the cat who will bite and claw and try to rip my face right off 99% of the time will, at the sound of the clipper's buzzing, lie calm and serene and allow me to shave her fur off in whichever way I please.

Perhaps she realizes that I'm cutting her workload in half. Perhaps she knows she'll be cooler when I remove half her fabulous fur coat. Perhaps she has some other bizarre hang-ups about which I do not want details.

Either way - my shaving the cat means that I don't have to do all the things that would require taking her to a groomer which would include, but not be limited to: catching her, stuffing her into a box/crate/reinforced steel cage, drugging her, paying off the groomer so they don't sue me for releasing a wild animal in their shop or having to re-upholster the interior of my car due to severe shredding.

And so, about every six months, I cross the line of normal DIY and I shave The Rocket. And I do an hysterically piss-poor job.

I feel like one million dollars.

Usually I start out thinking that this time will be different and I'll make it all even and smooth like they do at those professional-type places and then I realize that not only do I not have the professional-type clippers that they do, I also am not being paid to do it and therefore, don't have the patience to shave a cat the size of a wildebeest in my house which doesn't have A/C.

I think you'll agree that heat, sweat and flying cat hair are not a pleasant combination.

This is why I always end up putting on my Bare Minimum hat and deciding to limit the requirements of the job to: Just give every surface at least one pass.

That way the clippers (we're on our second pair which are on loan from our nice neighbors who DON'T WORRY know what we're doing with them) don't burst into flames and Rocket doesn't suddenly realize that I'm torturing her and revert to her 99%-of-the-time-Face-Ripping self.

Sure, she ends up looking like she just got spit out of the mower, but she's happy, I still have my face on and the clippers can be oiled and brought back to life for future torturing.

At first it used to bother me when Bubba would laugh and point and make fun of the cat's retarded hair cut.

I would defend her and tell her how cute she looked (because I actually think she's cuter with her funny hairdo) and would tell Bubba to shut up and go look at his own hair or something similarly immature.

But then I stopped taking myself so seriously because who really cares if I don't know how to shave a cat right since that's not really a skill I plan to pride myself on or anything. And also because she does look funny and it's always better to laugh than be serious, so there we are.

And this last time around, I really outdid myself in the piss-poor haircut department, which I'm sure was a direct result of my not even trying to do a passable job. Not that any of her haircuts in the past have been any good, but this time I was actually laughing and making fun of my work as I went.

Does this haircut make my ass look fat?

So, now you know that I'm a closet cat shaver and, while I should be ashamed, I'm really not because look how cute she is. All with her various bald spots and what not.


  1. aw, I think she looks very new wave, in a cute i-look-like-this-because-my-mom-loves-me-but-is-nuts kind of way.

  2. There are no words to describe that..that...hairdo. Um, it's, well, it's cute. Yea...that's it. It's cute!
    You're good at that. Wanna do my cats?

  3. Four words: You. Are. Freakin.' Hysterical.

    I know I can always come here for a gooooooooood laugh. Oh yeah!

    (I love your banner "I'm not for everyone." That kills me!!!)

  4. so damn cute. love the new do!

  5. aww kitteh!!
    my cats wouldn't put up with that but they do oddly enjoy having their claws clipped, I think they think it's like a kitty manicure. One of them even stretches his arms out like zsa zsa gabor dahling...

  6. She looks like a little ruffian cat, all rumpled and scruffy. But in a cute way, like little kids dressed as hobos. Or something. . . But if that's what she looks like shaved, I can't imagine how fluffy the beast must be in her natural state.

  7. Is that what they call a "choppy" hairdo!?

    LOL That poor cat - you're worried about YOU being ashamed? How do you think ROCKET feels with that haircut!? That's worse than the ones my mom gave us as kids (you know, the "bowl cut"??).

    She IS a beautiful cat though. I love those black spots in her eyes.

    You should post more cute cat pics!

  8. Finny, love the blog. I always read for a good chuckle.

    Rocket should talk to my maine-coon. luckily i have a/c because she does NOT enjoy touching, i'd say... 93% of the time and i wouldn't dare touch her with any metal object... especially one that made noise. i sympathize with refusing to pack her in the car unless totally necessary. does rocket have a warning sticker on her file at the vet? Misty sure does give the techs a good laugh... after their stitches have been removed of course. ;)

  9. My cat thinks your cat looks funny.

  10. Ok, AWESOME. Your cat is so funny. And who doesn't want a funny cat?

  11. Okay. I'm thinking that she looks like Meg Ryan did in the 90's when she had that shaggy 'do. Not bad. Not bad at all.

    In other words, it looks so bad, it looks ON PURPOSE.

  12. Holy Crap. You're a funny girl. And Rocket is just TOO cute! But, I must ask but one question:

    Were you knitting, employing the newly discovered row counting technique just before you gave sweet kitty her new do???

  13. Don't you have those black length attachments? I bought my cordless clippers for $20, and they came with them (and a video, which was hilarious)... and I cut my *own* hair better. (I just keep going until the clippers basically stop taking stuff off.) Perhaps it's different clipping a "wild" animal, but at least you get to *see* what you're doing. ;)


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