And now the dumb shit I do, particularly that which applies to the garden, is ever the more dumb given that I'm actively being educated on how to do it right.
Don't tell my clients.
So yeah, I MASTER fucking planned my summer garden. As in, I nerded THE FUCK OUT over the winter planning not only the summer garden and managing the winter garden but also tucking in an early spring garden to boot.
I WAS SO ON IT that I probably even dreamed about it, though I have no recollection to that effect. But I can imagine it happening. Especially since I spent the majority of my waking hours that weren't dedicated to school or work on it.
And then I went right ahead and, when the weather was warm enough and the transplants had grown out from seed enough and were perfectly ready to transplant into the garden, I carefully MASTERFULLY constructed this year's summer garden with its special trellises and net supports and staking and tepeeing (not like TPing, obviously WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS SHIT?) so that everything would just be ever so happy and grow ever so tall/wide/over plants that needed shade/etc.
|Your perfect growing environment awaits, plants. SO GET TO IT.|
And then I went ahead and planted bush beans in the very sacred real estate on the bean tepee that would have been really extra nice to use for more pole beans but I thought that OH NO there isn't enough space and this year the dry beans (cannellini) and green beans (Fortex) will just each have one side and done. I'll live with just a dozen of each plant, but it'll be OK because those pole beans will do just fine with one on one side and the other on the other.
Which would have worked great if they were both pole beans. Ahem.
All was going super well until oh hello these look like bush beans happened just a few stupid weeks into the summer growing season.
Well, I went back and forth to High Mowing Seeds a hundred times (ok, like three times) at least to check and make sure that the Silver Cloud Cannellini Beans that I'd ordered were pole beans and I swear on my Hula Hoe that those fucking beans were pole beans but no.
They are not.
My powers of delusion must really be getting good because I swears it that when I checked the first three times, it totally said "Pole" and then once I knew deep down in my heart that they were really bush beans (since they weren't climbing the tepee that I'd so conveniently put right next to them - rude), I went back to the site for the fourth time and, oh sad, "upright bush habit" is right there.
So, I'm an idiot.
I have bush beans growing right next to the tepee lines perfect for pole beans and BOO I don't have enough pole beans growing.
So I put in a pole bean annex and planted more pole beans. Even though it's going to take them forever to climb it and the likelihood that I'm going to get a bumper crop out of that annex is pretty nill, I don't even care.
|Everyone, this is the Bean Annex. Bean Annex, this is everyone.|
It made me feel better.
And picking the first batch of dry cannellini beans made me feel a little bit better again.
And so now I'm ready to talk about my dumb ass, so here I am.
Also, the rest of the garden is FUCK YEAH.
|Ever so soon I will be screaming like a god damned psycho when these Paul Robesons ripen.|
|The tomatoes cleared their 6' cages about two weeks ago and show no signs of doing anything but going for the sky.|
|This is 1/50th of my basil plants because I don't know how to stop planting basil.|
|The Jaune Flamme tomatoes are thisclose to ripe now. THISCLOSE.|
|Volunteer sunflowers are always welcome in my yard. Even if they act like idiot teenage girls all HEY LOOK AT ME WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!|
|I've already harvested so many pounds of cucumbers (these are Boothby Blonde) and made so many pickles that, yeah, whoa.|
|From these, too. National Pickling, I think. Or Homemade Pickles.|
|This sunflower was sent home for drinking on the job. Clearly.|
|And my lack of control doesn't just apply to basil. I have over a dozen pepperoncini, jalapeno, ancho and habanero plants because why the hell not.|
|This year, there will be grapes. SO MANY CONCORD GRAPES.|
|My brutal thinning of the apples in the spring has resulted in the chubbiest Gravenstein apples ever.|
|At least we get a few pole beans.|
|As always, these ungrateful fucks are looking for more room.|
|The ever present kale is...ever present.|
|SO MANY LANTERNS. And now, so much salsa verde. YES.|
|Did I mention that I'm growing a lot of basil? I am. There's a lot.|
|This was the first moment that the cucumbers escaped their beds. Now it's YIKES.|
|I've told you that I'm growing hops right? I am. These are them - Cascades.|
|Tell me you don't want to flick that tomato nipple. JUST TRY AND TELL IT TO ME. I won't believe you.|
|Why yes. The tomatoes did eat their cages awfully fast.|
|RIPEN ALREADY, DAMN YOU.|
So, at least I did some things right.