Thursday, May 16, 2013

Yeah, so about Crossfit...

Fuck Crossfit.

Yes, I realize that by saying that I'm putting myself opposite from some VERY fit people, but after hyper extending one big toe, resting off my feet (like, no running either which BLEW) for a month and then going back only to hyper extend the other big toe - fuck Crossfit.

I can't be going to a class where I'm to do a number of exercises that I have to modify to the point of uselessness lest I end up with a You're Going To Have To Sit Out For At Least A Month injury.

I'm over it. Even though I was seeing marked physical improvements (Why, is that an AB I see emerging?  YES IT IS WHOA.) and felt stronger by the day - I'm over it.

I mean, what's the use of having a few emerging abs and upper body strength if you're afraid of stepping off of a curb at an odd angle and accidentally bending your forefoot *just* a tad too far and triggering The Hell Pain and then crying in the street like a pussy girl?

There's no use and that would just look odd: an apparently able bodied woman mincing around shrinking from things like two step staircases and sidewalk curbs.

Also, no running which is No.

I need to run. Otherwise The Crazy happens.

But I was making progress on my pull-ups. Like, I was moving to a less resistant band and able to do more at a time and just basically not just hanging there all desperate and pathetic trying to yard my poor bod up toward the bar.

And my push-ups were getting stronger.

And my abs were starting to vaguely, in the right light and if I hadn't eaten anything yet and wasn't all bloated from a night of gin martinis with extra olives - look like abs. 

What about all of that? No more Crossfit meant probably no more of that stuff too and...sad.

But still, I decided after last month's Oh Fuck Now The Other Toe's Busted injury resulting from walking push ups (there's a gem exercise by the way no thank you) and two months spent favoring the other toe, that I was going to do an extreme Crossfit "modification".

I was going to do it at home.


Without the looming fear that I'd walk in to the prison gym and the day's workout was going to involve all manner of lungey toe-bendy movements. Hi, Mountain Climbers, Burpees and Olympic Lift Splits plus also walking lunges and lots of other too-much-toe-bendy-activities.

Instead, I was going to finally - and without injury hopefully - train myself to do a few things that I've never in my whole life been able to do or thought I'd ever be able to do but really want to do like a proper pull-up and a solid number of consistently top form guy push-ups. Plus, I feel like I should be able to dead hang without slipping weak-fingered and shouldered off the bar after 15 seconds.

This is what I was hoping to get out of Crossfit and I was sorta on my way to doing that when I managed to bust up both of my big toes doing a bunch of other shit that I don't care to work on. I mean, I can do a fucking lunge - I don't need to be doing them to my own detriment with a heavy bar over my head thankssomuch.

Another benefit of the home workout that we call HomePoop because Bubba called Crossfit, "CrossPoop", and now I'm at home doing it so you see how this happened, is that I get to use a bunch of equipment that was just hanging around not being used for its expressed purpose meanwhile taking up space in our not spacious garage.

So, now I go out to our rickety ass garage three mornings a week after running with the dog for a warm up and do a few reps of  bike sprints on the trainer-mounted Boss Lady, a boatload of sit ups on the Abmat and then either 60 pull-ups, push-ups or 3 minutes of dead hangs.

I guess now she's Boss Lady of the garage.

I'm sorta ashamed of myself for buying one of these things, but at least my back will be happy and maybe one day I will have an official ab to go with my mat. That'd be swell.

Our hangboard. One day I will be able to do a legit pull-up on this thing. I'm just not saying which day.

Because I've decided I'm a trainer of myself.

Which is probably a bad way to go since I'm no qualified professional personal trainer, but I figure if I managed to train my slow dead ass to run four half marathons, too many 10Ks and 5Ks to count, a few multisport events and I speedworked and fartleked my way to sub-60 10Ks and sub-30 5Ks, then surely I can train my body to do a single unassisted pull-up and a series of solid and real push-ups.

If nothing else, I can train my body to hang like a dead hog's carcass for a minute at a time.

Because that's actually a useful proficiency in the event that you're hanging off of a cliff or the rungs of a helicopter or whatever.

Seriously though - when I see movies where some dude is clinging with the last of his finger strength to the crumbling edge of the cliff and people are all, "Why doesn't he just pull himself up?" and shit, all I'm thinking is that I'd have fallen off ages ago because not only can I not *just pull myself up*, I can't even hang there like a useless mass long enough to cry for help with any chance of anyone coming to my rescue.


Here's to the small hope that one day I'll be able to cling to a cliff's edge long enough for someone to come rescue my ass because it's going to take me a long time to bag that first pull-up.


  1. I love walking push ups ala Jillian Michaels DVD. Yes I'm sick apparently. But I cannot do a pull up to save my life. I might be able to hang for a few seconds though.

  2. So I'm pretty sure I tell you think every time you do a "Finny Bitches" post, but you are awesome. Your take on crossfit is so refreshing. I'm used to only reading about people who LOVE crossfit and never see anyone who doesn't like it. And even though we've never met, you're much more real to me than those other folks, so your opinion counts more. I probably will still try it one day since I'm a glutton for punishment. My goal for 2013 is to get better at handstands and headstands, but perhaps I should add the dead hog hang to the list!

    1. Try it for yourself for sure, but be careful about the movements and your alignment. If it feels wrong - it is. That's what I learned.

  3. When I heard you had broken your toe and couldn't run, I personally thought, "fuck crossfit, that shit'll kill you". And I had never even tried it! Well done on creating your own personal gym. You totally know how to do this.

    I've been working out every day at the Y with the oldies. So much more my speed. And those guys and gals kick some serious ass. It is strangely inspiring.

    1. Oh, the Y :) I've worked out at a Y (and taught swim lessons at one) and they're great. The home gym is going to have to do it for me now.

  4. I like the 3 gallon keg next to the bike, that would keep me motivated.

    1. That and the fermentation fridge right next to me. That's my kind of motivation.

  5. Crossfit is not a thing here--at least not in the circles I run (HAHA) in--so the only information I have on it is from you. And that has not really been positive.

    So if I needed a reason to not do a thing that doesn't exist where I live, you've given me one. Thanks for the out! And watch those toes. My dad's permanently debilitating hip surgeries were the result of multiple toe breaks and continuing to exercise like a psycho.

    1. Really? Multiple toe breaks doing what? That's wild. And just the motivation I need.

    2. I'm not even sure how he kept breaking the same toe. The first break was when he was loading something into his plane (he was an Air Force pilot) and dropped it on his toe. Subsequent breaks were probably the result of triathlons or something. He was a Serious Exerciser. And he is now seriously crippled, so that was, in hindsight, not so good.

  6. CrossFit has a history on injuries. Good riddance! Looks like you have Finny's Fit Camp all ready to go.

    1. I do! does. Whenever I tell anyone that I've ditched Crossfit because of my busted toes I hear horror stories about other people's injuries. Which is weird because when I was getting into Crossfit no one told me shiite about injuries.

      Not helpful, people. NOT HELPFUL.

  7. I've done nothing. Except eat carbs and french fries. BUT I am signed up for the Dirty Girl Mud Run 5K/obstacle course in August. Which, I should maybe train for? But I'm moving to a new 'hood where I might not be around pedophiles and rapists but APPARENTLY, the city of Superior doesn't patch roads anymore because we almost blew out a tire doing 5 mph on the street in front of our hopefully new house. So I might break an ankle.

    1. Run on the sidewalk, you douche. Also - I'm glad you won't be living by pedos anymore. That shit scared me for you. Rapists double.

  8. I do a version of cross training at a fitness studio and I have noticed that I often have to modify the exercises due to being over 40 and knowing my limits to avoid injury.

    You can totally master push ups! I do a combination of guy ones and girl ones to the tune of 100 a day. It helps with arms and ab definition! You can do it.

    1. 100 push ups a's SOME training!

      Meanwhile, yes - I will be doing my push up training until I can do all 60 of my routine push ups the guy way rather than the girl way. Right now, well, let's just say that I'm doing almost all of them the girl way and SHAME.

  9. I have to say, as a runner, CrossFit is not a good match with running at all. I've not wanted to say anything as I knew you were really into it but the few friends I have that run and have gotten into CrossFit have all injured themselves in ways that have forced them to quit running for long stretches of time. If you want something to get you in shape while still running get your tiny little but into yoga class! :)


    1. Well, my experience says that you're right, even though the coaches at Crossfit told me otherwise. I heard a number of times that doing Crossfit makes you a stronger runner (which I totally saw working BEFORE I busted my foot) and that if you have to take time off from running "for whatever reason", you'll be able to return to it even stronger than you left it IF you did Crossfit in your off time.

      What they don't say is that the reason you don't run is because Crossfit can be the reason you have to stop running.

      And yeah - I get the yoga thing. I just need to be outside and not with a pack of people for a while. Hence the mountain bike...

  10. Everyone I know who has done crossfit has had some major injury. I am a fan of the weight-lifting cardio classes at the gym + swimming, running and the occasional pilates. Of course you are DIY your fitness, you crafty gal!


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