Thursday, September 27, 2012

They're not mine so just calm the hell down.

OK, before you get all I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO GET CHICKENS YAY!, let me tell you that these are not my chickens. 

I'm not getting chickens.

I can't eat that many eggs/Bubba would leave me/Jada would eat the chickens/Rocket would stage a coup/I have nowhere to put them/etc.

That said, could you just DIE at the pantaloons on my neighbor's hen, Bitsy, right there?


I mean, honestly, girlfriend just flaunts those poofy buns at every opportunity. She's quite the chicken whore.

She's the real inspiration for all those YouTube videos.

So, yeah, I don't know what that makes me, since the first thing I do when I let them out of the coop for their afternoon of mad patio shitting, is chase Bitsy around until she cows and I can scoop her up for YAY! CHICKEN CUDDLE TIME! which I daresay she does not enjoy the way I do.

The only reason she's not smiling is because chicken beaks don't do that. THE ONLY REASON.

Meanwhile, check out this FAT pad that was handbuilt by my super handy neighbors.

Why yes, that IS a nesting box annex off the side there, below their private viewing window.
Also, an antique clock so that they know, you know, when to start hassling the neighbors and shooting out eggs.

See, a few weeks ago, my neighbors went back to NY for a week and emailed me to see if I wanted to pretend I was a chicken farmer for a week.


And obviously it was way fun. Just walk down to their house, collect eggs, let the girls out for the afternoon and then, later, lure them back into the coop with whatever treats I had lurking in my crisper or the garden.

L-R: Poppy and Carmella. They're very busy. And they can lay waste to a LOT of old kale.

Petunia being fancy with her ultra contrasty feathers. She was more of a fan of the blossom end rot tomatoes. Because *that* is fancy for chickens.

Bitsy strutting her poofy pants.


The blue egg is Bitsy's because her fanciness does not end with the pantaloons. SHOW OFF.
And now we have a boat load of eggs, as do our other neighbors and my Pilates instructor, so I've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that even though I LOVE the chickens, I can NOT have the chickens so it's a damn good thing everyone else around here has chickens so that I don't have to, like, make promises about baking a cake every day to justify to Bubba why I'm putting chickens behind his garage.

Which, does that sound weird to you? Yeah, same here.


Phew. Sorry, just thought I'd be clear.


  1. Nice Ass/pants Bitsy. You too JZ (just because i know you). :) May I also just say that chicken names are quite awesome?

    1. Yes - they DO have awesome names. Which is, I believe, what happens when chickens have two fabulous daddies.

  2. I need to investigate the economics of having chickens.

    1. If you eat a lot of eggs, this may be the windfall you've been searching for. If not - it's more of a nightmare.

  3. I had three hens. (the farm/feed store told me, "Don't buy two chicks. Buy three. That way if one dies you still have two. And one nearly died, but we nursed her back to health.)

    I had SO MANY eggs. We made SO MANY egg-containing foods. Psuedo-quiches became my favorite (something called "cheese and tomato pie," but which had more eggs in it than anything else). There was a lot of egg-containing stir fry and also stir-fried rice. We tried to learn to make egg-drop soup...that didn't work out as well. When the garden was going strong and I also had SO MANY cucumbers and SO MANY yellow squashes, it became a matter of imagination to use all of the above in ... something or other.

    Fortunately, the dogs think that anything crunchy and/or sweet is a treat, so chopped cucumber and squash also went to the dogs when there was TOO MUCH rather than SO MUCH.

    I slipped and fell and got hurt last week, so I checked out of the world for a little bit. Your 1000th post news sounds very exciting, and I wish you great luck in your nifty endeavour :)

    1. I really thought you were going to say that you started feeding the *crunchy* eggs to your dogs.

      Also, I'm sorry you fell :( and thanks for the well wishes :)

  4. You SHOULD get chickens, if only for the entertainment factor. I bet Bubba could build something which would put your neighbor's coop to shame!

    Thanks for the chickie pics! mav

  5. THEY are all beauties, & cool names also.....I think you NEED chickens! :) I love to watch Nici's chicks, they are very awesome; each have their own personalities. I know your coup would rival your neighbors too.

  6. No, you don't need chickens. If you can get someone else to deal with the chickens and just leave you with the occasional gift of eggs, that's the way to go. Birds are a pain in the ass. They poop too much.

    Good eggs, though.

  7. I do believe you can feel my jealousy from here. also, see you tomorrow!


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.