Monday, March 08, 2010

Adopt a Crop 2010 : Exotic. Freaky. You decide.

So, good job, people. On picking the melon I wanted you to pick.

My mental powers of persuasion must be getting good and strong since most of the people who've seen that melon have not wanted to have anything to do with it, much less to grow it in a garden for food.

No, I do believe the question of whether ownership requires inoculation or at least a stout whip was brought up.

If my memory serves, it does not require either, though ownership may very well require me to purchase a juicer, which is on my list anyway now that I've taken to dispatching the farmshare beets in juice form because HOLY how else am I going to reclaim the friggen crisper if I don't get rid of them quickly and swiftly and SOON? See, thing is, I don't know. So, I feel I need a juicer.

And, hey, these melons allegedly have a "banana-lime-tropical fruit taste and [are] good juiced" which sounds a lot like a ringing endorsement for a juicer, then doesn't it? Yes. I'm sure you agree.

I'm considering this one since it's the same as the one we used in Hawaii when we were there last and let me easily make these from Bubba's coconut conquest which sounds kind of freaky but was really just the result of Bubba swinging an abandoned golf club at a coconut tree while I drank cocktails and cheered him on.

Quite a conquest it was.

Anyway, let me know if you have a juicer that you love and that I should buy and to which I should dedicate extremely valuable cabinet space. More importantly, if you have a juicer that you HATE and from which I should run screaming, please tell me about it so I can avoid a horrible and disappointing juicing disaster, kay?

Thanks muchly.

Now, let's stop talking about juicers and conquests and instead about this year's Adopted Crop: Jelly Melons. 

Specifically, African Horned Cucumber Melons.

Do I eat it or get a restraining order from it? Hard to say.

They're kind of a hideous sight, I'll agree. Though, aren't you kind of intrigued at the same time? Kinda wonder what something like *that* could taste like or what it might look like chucked across the street at the kids who shriek mightily for no good god damned reason?

Yes, me too.

And, really, imagine a projectile such as this headed in your direction...You'd shut up and run, wouldn't you? Me too and that's all I wanted to know.

Anyway, the jelly melon has won a space in this year's garden. And, according to Bubba (he got to choose the other melon without even having to vote against or with anyone - so special), the jelly melon will be growing (hopefully successfully) alongside the Georgia Rattlesnake Watermelon - with its freaktastic stripes and enormous hugeness.

I don't think I even have a cutting board large enough to accommodate one of these.

Imagine the cute couple they'll make - all huge and spiny and striped and jelly-filled!

Ok, so it's going to be less cute and more scary, but that's OK, they'll go well with the black tomatoes and purple beans in the other beds to complete my haunted garden of vegetable evil.

Or whatever. Maybe it's just really exotic and I should be playing the Rare Heirloom Deliciousness card here instead.

Though I do lean more to the freaky than the exotic, truth be told. I mean, really, what's exotic about brown hair, green eyes and freckles? Nothing. But you put that boring package in florescent yellow goggles and trot it out on some lava with matching yellow fins and a potty mouth and it does Freaky just fine.

And suddenly I'm a little self-conscious so never mind that last part, there.

All you need to know is that the garden plan has been finalized, thanks to some fairly enthusiastic voting on y'all's part (74 votes total) and Bubba's swift choosing of the watermelon which took him all of two seconds.

Apparently he's missed watermelons in the garden. Or at least he's missed their vines taking over our backyard, thus rendering null and void any thought of mowing or yard work back by the beds because WHOOPSY the watermelon vines are covering everything and totally in the way.

And when I plant the rest of this season's off-color vegetables, I'll let you in on all of the vulgar details. 

Are you starting to sense an alarming theme? Yeah, me too.

Commence gardeningblahblahblah.


  1. Glad to hear you've got your garden plan in order. I remember your post about the voting and some of the options scaring me to death. Who knew food could be so frightening? Anyway, I know you'll have amazing results and come up with fun recipes to share with your emerging bounty.

  2. Will you be planting any bacon this year? Just curious...

  3. Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds is a quick shipper. I ordered my Freakin-dickular Spiny Cucmber Jelly Melon Kiwanis Club seeds over the weekend and they arrived today (Yippee Skippy). I shall be joining you in South Bay Haunted Garden Misadventures this year...

    Regarding Juicers - I have a Breville Juice Fountain Plus 850 horsepower - excuse me watt - juicer that I bought from BB&B for appx $120 (using their ever-present, never-expiring 20% off coupon).

    I like it. But it is a huge monster and looms over me - menacingly even - every time I stand at the sink...

    Word Verification: birsecke - sounds like a cross between berserk and sicky. How appropo!

  4. OK your spiky and gooey thing scares me. Like I would feel like I'm eating some kind of ocean fish or something. Which, if we remember correctly, I don't eat stuff from the water. Or fruit for that matter. ;) so I would totally use it to throw at people.

  5. Yay for the freaky melons! (That'll get you some fun Google search results.)

    When I was a kid, my best friend and I used to sit in our crabapple tree and huck crabapples at the neighbor boys we didn't like. Too bad we didn't have any African Horned Cucumber Melons.

    And on the gardening front, Jeff and I spent a good portion of the weekend arguing over raised beds, specifically how tall they should be and how many of them I need.

    And I'm pretty sure you've answered this question before, but for the life of me I can't find the email, so...

    1- What kind of wood do you use for your beds?

    2- How big are they? (like footprint and height)

    Thank you muchly. :)

  6. Junie - I do hope that I'm not sinking my battleship with all these absurd vegetables, but I do look forward to seeing them grow into, you know, whatever they turn out to be.

    CO Angler - Um, yeah - so there's a story there. One I may be telling soon. Stay tuned...

    IMQTPI - We are freaky melon twins! Which sounds wrong. Fun, though. Tell me when you plant yours! Also, thanks for the juicer advice. That thing looks monstrous. I think I need a new kitchen.

    Sara - Throw it, eat it, use it as a bodily threat against ill-behaved spouses - who cares! That thing is freaky and I must grow it.

    We'll see.

    Wendy - So far, Analytics doesn't show any freaky melon searching, but I don't doubt it'll turn up. Until then, my chastity is protected by my innocent high-traffic terms like "best tomato sauce" and "pedicure socks". I am apparently ridiculous.

    For the raised beds - mine are redwood (if I recall correctly), 2x12s for the sides and 4x4 posts for the corners. They're 3x8' and I have four of them, piped with irrigation - each with a 8 line manifold.

    Let me know if you put some in! Exciting!

    What WILL you plant???

    I suggest freaky melons.

  7. You have contributed to one book and I think it is time for another. Your recipes this time.

  8. You are a brave girl, giving garden space to something that looks so unlike food. Can't wait to hear what they are actually like!

  9. Freaky Melon Twins! I like it!

    Seeds are already planted in my bathroom windowsill - in a mini-Jiffy-Pellet greenhouse doomahickey. I do hope they'll transplant well when the time comes (what is UP with these 30-something mornings and WHITE STUFF on Hamilton??? Jeez!)

    As far as Jelly Melons being scary: Well - aside from the fact that they look like they oughtta be growing in my saltwater fish tank - I don't find 'em all that scary-lookin'.

    I mean, think about it: Kiwis are Fuzzy and full of green snot, right? And who's afraid of Kiwi Fruits?

  10. okay, the african melons? Not surprisingly AWESOME.


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