Friday, August 07, 2009

Weigh-in. For the vegetables, obviously.

This is what 22 lbs of red looks like.

Anyone still interested in the garden? Cucumbers? A shit ton of tomatoes? How about the fact that I've harvested more than half my body weight in vegetables from four raised beds so far this year?

Yeah, that'll get you lookin'. Maybe one day I'll get all bold and do a Guess My Weight challenge.

And also, maybe one day I'll put a tomato on my head and let Bubba take shots at it with a pellet gun.


Women don't share their weights in my world. It's not right. Unless you still weigh 118 pounds like you did your senior year in high school. Then you tell everyone and also go topless with a yellow thong bikini bottom in West Palm Beach.

But nevermind all that, let's talk about the garden.

Sorry, that was the shittiest segue ever.


The cucumbers have taken a new approach this year - they're on the pole.

Not in a sexy way, like someone's tucking dollar bills into their Gstring or anything, but they've reached the limits of their caged existence and have taken up with the beans to climb the tepee.

Does this pole make my ass look fat?

Which, theoretically, is fine, except the tepee is starting to list semi-dramatically due to the unevenly dispersed weight of the newcomer cucumbers, so, well, I guess I'll have to deal with that eventually.

I'm not going to make the Leaning Tower joke here because it's just too cliche.

For now though, I just admire their ambition. And their fearless exposure of bulbous portions.

Also on the pole in a non-sexy but still surprising way is the second wave of green beans. I will tell you that this surprised me because I was not aware that these were indeterminate plants. I mean, they're not *really* indeterminate, but they're acting like they are. I guess this would really be considered a "continual harvest", but still, I thought we were done, here.

Nope. More beans on the way.

You can't tell us what to do.

Know what IS indeterminate in my garden though? You can guess. It's the tomatoes. And the fact that they're indeterminate is downright scary.

Because this is just one harvest.
And had my basket been the size of a truck bed, I *might* have been able to pick all the ripe ones.

After I picked 22 lbs for canning a week ago and then another 15 to bring into work today and then and then and then...well, the plants are totally unphased.

If you look at the plants, you'd never guess this even happened.

In fact, I think they're mocking me.

Neh neh nehnehneh. PICK ME.

The artichokes are also mocking me. Apparently they saw me come into the house with a box of artichokes last weekend and got all "Look at me! Look at me!" and decided to put out some new thistles for me.

Thanks. I haven't had enough garlic butter so far this week. I'm sure I really need this temptation right before I'm about to bare my midriff in Hawaii. This could get grody.

You just sit there and think about what you did.

Then there's the corn. It's a sight. And it's downright delicious. We've only picked four ears so far, but that's because we're trying to be patient in picking them until they're perfectly ripe rather than just cracking them off when the mood strikes us. *HINT TO BUBBA*

They're working hard out there, though, and I'm satisfied with my decision to put in corn this year. I was afraid it'd be an awful heartbreaking disaster of the vegetable kind, but it's turned out well enough to be put in the running for a spot in next year's garden. MAYBE. WE'LL SEE.

Don't get too comfy out there, corn.

The cilantro has gone to seed and we now have some coriander out there masquerading as a legitimate plant. I hope this doesn't make it think that I'm forgiving it for bolting so muthereffin fast though because I don't just forgive that easily.

Let it be known that I hold grudges against plants because I'm just that petty.

You'll have to do better than that, suckah.

And just so I don't end this on a totally ridiculous note, the naturtium are bouncing back from their recent, um, hair cut, and giving me blossoms to bring inside again. Which I like. Because that dirty old water with brown basil leaves floating in the vase on my kitchen counter isn't super lovely.

Thanks guys. Appreciate it.


  1. I'm still in the anxiously-awaiting-the-tomato-glut phase. Shortly to be followed by the hating-the-tomato-glut phase. And then followed by hari kari.

    Your nasturtiums are purty.

  2. Finny, I was going to leave a comment here about an hour ago but I became so engrossed in your other posts, I kept scrolling down to read more. My gosh, I couldn't tear myself away! You are one funny dude!

    I'm so jealous of your tomato harvest. They are beautiful and I can't believe how many you have already. Thanks for all the great content and humor. I love your blog!

  3. Your garden makes me envious. It makes me actually want to go out in the back and disturb the sleeping neighborhood cats, and get my hands dirty, and deal with bugs that freak me out, and burn my pale, pasty skin and all that. But not really. Because I don't do the back, the disturbing, the dirt, the bugs, and the burn. Because, hey, I'm me.

  4. I'd say stop, stop, stop showing me your yummies 'cause it's making me hungry, but everything is truly good for you--so keep the photos coming. I just told my husband to run outside and check our artichoke plant. I've never grown one before and seriously suspect the little monster isn't doing what it's supposed to do as yours looks perfect.

  5. Go Garden RockStar. Hopefully your neighbors are enjoying the show of you talking to the plants. :)Free local entertainment is always the way to go. Tonight- we get to watch the cops bust the drug dealers two houses down from us. It's like a real episode of COPS! :)To top it off, my three year old was singing "Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?" super loud. LOVE IT

  6. Holy Cow, those tomatoes look fantastic! You're SO lucky -- everyone back here is complaining about serious lack of garden yield this year (due to the cool summer) and lots of people are having problems with one fungus or another on their tomatoes. You're amazing!

  7. Oooo. Aaaaaah...

  8. Seeing your wonderful garden makes me want to go out and plow ours down and start all over! There is no way that our garden is going to produce all that yummy stuff.

  9. garden envy. every time. maybe i should unsusbscribe? we did have some nice redcurrants though...

  10. Oh Fin, that is just so amazing! Good for you!

  11. You don't know how fucking lucky you are that The Fungus of the East hasn't hit your tomatoes (being in the West and all). It's this horrible fungus that turns tomatoes black right when they've turned all big and luscious but still green. I am truly jealous of your crop. I'll have to make Pesto Tomato Pie with *gasp* boughten tomatoes this year.


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.