Monday, December 18, 2006

Fugly House 2006

I was getting a tad panicky because Christmas is less than a week away and I've hardly scratched the surface documenting the illuminated hideousness surrounding my neighborhood.

Yes, there are some people panicked about buying Christmas gifts, and then there's me - worried about making equal fun of all the tards in my neighborhood. I realize I'm going to hell, no need to remind me.

After my short panic, I realized, with great ironic relief, that just because Christmas will pass, it will not mean that people will immediately run out into their yards with ladders and dumpsters to get rid of the "decorations" on their houses. No matter how much I wish it to be so.


I mean, Damn it!

I am conflicted.

So, anyhoo this charade on the blog may go on past Christmas, since the array of animated lawn creatures and multicolored strings of lights won't cease to exist in any significant manner until well after the New Year around these parts. Just to warn you in case you show up after 12/25 and see me still marching around the blog with my middle finger in the air.

For now though, let us rest our merry steaming eyeballs on a few candidates for this year's Fugliest House:

This gem was sent in by a non-blogging friend who reads up on the blog from time to time and felt compelled to out her neighbors and their "Visible from Space" compilation of candy canes, window signs and haphazardly arranged lights. While we both admit it's a little hard to discern exactly what is going on in this photo due to low light, I can assure you that, even in person, it makes no organizational or thematic sense. No, it's just a giant shitshow which emerged, we're sure, from an enormous Wal-Mart shopping bag.

I had aimed to get a better shot of the house when I went over to attend my friend's holiday open house this weekend, but it was raining when I got there and I wanted a drink. At least you'll be happy to know that I've branched out to other neighborhoods so that the merry-finger pointing can be shared all around.

All I want to know here is who, exactly, is manning the sleigh. If Santa, and what I assume is Ms. Claus, are hanging out on the patio, how is it possible that the reindeer are taking flight? Are they trained to deliver gifts on their own now? Does Santa just sit his fat ass on the porch and wait for them to return and give him the hooves-up? It looks like even Christmas is being outsourced now.

Oh, and net lights are stupid.

When I see displays like this, I can't help but wonder why the person didn't finish at least ONE of the objects they were trying to adorn instead of spreading the lights halfway across five different vertical objects. I assume this work was done by someone approximately 6 feet tall, with limited patience being trailed by someone about 5'5" carrying a big wooden spoon. What I'd like to see once, just once, is a tree that is covered with lights from the base of the trunk ALL THE WAY to the end of each branch. Then, at least I'd know it was a tree, and not some bizarre lawn sculpture keeping their giant broomstick waving snowman company in their front yard.

Or, if we're in the time saving mood, I could just swing by with a blowtorch and do everyone a favor.

I've got a news flash for these folks, Santa is NOT stopping here. (See the sign? Yes. We all do.) Even though they have the runway clearly marked and the arbor announcing Merry Christmas for all the western hemisphere to see. As it turns out Santa is leery of nuclear testing grounds and the glowing trees are a dead giveaway. Even if he does decide to come in for a landing, he's going to have to shoo the Snowman Family off the runway or pummel them with reindeer hooves. It will be a Christmas massacre for the books.

For now, that's what I've got. But this weekend, I fully intend to take a long dutiful walk around the area and get shots of the worst offenders. I've gotten some anonymous and some blatant direction on where to conduct my search. It appears that there are other hellfire sinners out there who would rather slyly slit boxes of inflatable Santas at their neighborhood Target with keychain pocketknives than endure a city block of fossile-fuel sucking yuletide cheer.

See, it's not just me.


  1. hahahaha! Oh Finny, you crack me up! I almost shit my pants when I read this post! I'll send some pics soon. I missed the boat on the book club. I'm not even finished with the book...too much Christmas crap to do.

  2. Fin, I heard on NPR this morning that one town is actually marketing a "Tacky Trees" tour where you go around their little city and make fun of all the decorations. I couldn't help but think of you. :)

  3. Just came across your blog entry and had to laugh. Out here in the East (at least in my neighborhood) there may be less square footage in front yards to cover in hideousness, but does that stop people from jamming in as much glowing, inflated, blinking, seizure inducing 'decorations' as possible? Oh no. In fact, we have an honest-to-god bus tour that will take you to such sights. Sometimes I wonder how people can possibly squeeze out of their front doors, past 14 inflatable 8 foot tall Disney characters in santa suits, bouncing in the breeze...I know, its a 'Christmas Miracle.'

  4. OMG this is so funny. Can't wait to see the rest. So do we get to vote on the worst offenders?

  5. E&I - SEND YOUR PICS! I have to see what happens in Fargo this time of year. It can only be spectacular. And no worries on the book - we're on to a new one now anyway. And I'll tell you - it's good!

    Kelli - That story on NPR is hilarious, I am going to have to link it in somehow.

    Yellowcab - You'll somehow have to get some pics and send them over - too funny.

    Avery - YES! I think we should vote. Coming soon...

  6. Ah, such Christmas-ridden angst was never before seen in blogdom, providing laughs and joy for every girl and boy. Now that I'm on hiatus back in the States, I can technically participate. Maybe I will manage to get something in!

  7. A Homent for the occasion! Remember when Homer finally got all their Christmas lights up, plugged them in, and as they fizzled out Bart says, "It's Crap-tacular dad." :)


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

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Sucks, right?

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But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.