Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Oh noooooooooooooo [Thanksgiving Edition]

There's a reason that Jada's not wearing a collar and it's not because she's a dog nudist.
Like I was saying, last week was going to be soul-crushingly busy and frantic and crazy and then busy some more.

Actually, did I tell you that or was I just thinking it as I was writing that last post of randomness drunk with the power of a fully functional keyboard?

I can't remember.

Either way - last week was a self-proclaimed hell week of shit to do, people to not kill, events to not ruin, crops to harvest, a house to de-Addams Family, tests to study for, projects to finish, holidays to not destroy and mother-in-laws to not offend.

We got so close.

Bubba mastercrafted this amazing trip for his mom so that they could drive up the coast from Pismo Beach and stop at all of the monarch butterfly migration sites, eat artichokes, visit me at the greenhouse and just generally enjoy some California in November which is noticeably different from Kansas in November, which I'm sure you can all imagine.

Think sunshine and shirt sleeves instead of bitter cold and I NEED ANOTHER DOWN JACKET STAT.

You get it.

And they got it. The trip was perfect. Better than I could have hoped. The butterflies were present and accounted for even though everyone was all ready to ruin our parade by saying that "Oh, they're early/late/extinct this year. They won't see any." (thanks, asses), they ate many artichokes and artichoke-filled foods, they came by the greenhouse and botanic gardens for a tour during gorgeous weather - it was great.

I was feeling like not a failure as a daughter-in-law except for the whole working-the-whole-time-she-was-here thing.


Then, much to my surprise, the success and not-fucking-it-upness of the week continued. We managed to get the turkeys we'd smoked (we = Bubba with a side of me sitting on my dead ass) sliced and packaged up with the other Thanksgiving-y things we were bringing to my folks'. We got to my folks' place in good time and, despite the crowd, talked to most everyone we'd set out to. We ate Thanksgiving-y things (but not too much somehow). We drank drinks (and not too many)(except after the oh nooooooo, which obvs.).

Does seeing this much turkey make you want to barf now?
We thought we were in the clear.

My MiL was leaving the morning after Thanksgiving, so as we sat down to have the festive holiday pie course (SO MANY PIES WHY?), I'll admit that I jinxed the crap out of us.

I thought to myself - we've made it. We did not fuck up my MiL's trip. We did not forget anything we were supposed to bring. We are not the most annoying ones at the party. We're golden.

And then it hit me.

The smell.

Of skunk.

And terror.

I bolted to the living room to find Bubba outside waving his arms maniacally, eyes bulging (and watering dramatically) and the dog throwing herself frantically against the deck, face first, trying to rid her puppy eyeballs of the two barrels of skunk spray eating through her mucous membranes.

It was not a pretty/welcomed/pleasant sight. As you can probably imagine.

Imagine this cute face looking as sad and eye-drooly and foaming at the mouth as you can. Then know that it was much worse and gross smelling.

I think you know that my first reaction, upon seeing Bubba outside trying to find a lighter so that he could put himself out of his misery, was to bellow a hearty, "Oh noooooooooooooo" while simultaneously removing the suede boots I was wearing for the first time in months.

I certainly wasn't going to be bathing a skunked dog in suede boots. Or the silk dress I'd put on in an effort to appear like a girl for once.

After the initial reaction, I think that you also know that there was a loud "FUCK" as I ran back to my mom's room to find some old clothes to change into, a bunch of old towels, baking soda and peroxide and a change of clothes for Bubba.

I'll spare you the grim details of the dog bathing, but suffice it to say that the 2 1/2 hour ride home in Bubba's new truck, dog sequestered in the back with the window down on a rubber mat, and my MiL (who does not enjoy pets to begin with) up front sitting quietly waiting for it all to just be over with pretty much blew the doors off of our Successful Visit With Mom.

We were so close.

And after tallying up the damages (bras, underwear, jeans, shoes, shirts, belts, collar, towels, bottles of Tecnu, peroxide and baking soda), this one skunk + dog that knows better than to play with the stinky black and white kitties cost us around $500.

Plus the forever ruining of our nostrils and the forthcoming cleaning bill from the shop for whenever Bubba gets his truck in for service.

Meanwhile, Jada's had so many baths that she's gorgeous and fluffy and exhausted enough to allow me to cuddle her but she still smells like rank skunk ass, so no one's cuddling. We're all just eyeballing her and waiting for her to stop reeking so that we can all YAY drive to Montana in a month where she'll get snowed on which will recharge her skunking for our enjoyment.

Hooray holidays.

Don't even look at me, dog. You smell like skunk and shame.


  1. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. That's one thing we worry about with our deck having an access point that we can't seem to close. And our dog is dumb. ::sigh::

    1. Dude. Close up that spot AT ALL COSTS. Yikes.

  2. Oh noooooo is totally the right expression. Absolutely perfect. What about tomato juice? I've never had to deal with skunk odor removal but it's been passed down through the old wives to me that it supposedly takes the smell away? Did Bubba get skunked too? I couldn't tell from the narrative whether it was a daddy and dog fiesta of fun, or just Jada.

    1. Sadly the tomato juice concept is a no-go. I think my mom tried that on our dogs once when I was growing up and it doesn't work. BUT! peroxide and baking soda works well enough. As does Tecnu and lots of time. Like, I will be smelling this faint skunk waft for the next year. Yay. Thankfully Bubba just had to throw away his clothes and take one hundred showers.

  3. Oh no, indeed. How come Rocket is cuddled so close to her in that photo? Way to ruin the festivities, Jada. Good thing you're still cute in photos because I can't smell you.

    1. Rocket had no idea that Jada sidled up to her. When she woke up to the stench and realized that the dog was RIGHT THERE, she got up and lumbered off.

  4. oh yes, the peroxide + baking soda + dish liquid works WONDERS. My previous two dogs decided to make a wonderful holiday break night just PERFECT when we heard:
    "yelp!" from the little dog.
    "YELP!" from the big dog.
    and then the stench.
    Yup, the skunk got both of them. At 10 pm. When it was about 20 degrees outside. We were so amused. The dogs were about as amused as we were when they found out that not only were they getting a bath (the EVIL bath), but they would be getting that bath with very cold hose water. I keep not looking forward to the day when my new pup learns not to play with the stinky kitties.
    Here is to the stench fading quickly!

    1. Oh god - it's the "20 degrees" from your comment that killed me. At least it was only about 50 at my folks' - 20 degrees makes it 10x worse.

      Blech. Stupid dogs.

  5. But it will make for such a great story for her to tell her friends haha

  6. We ALWAYS have a product called "Nature's Miracle" on hand. I swear by it. Good for cleaning up the disgusting part that comes with pet ownership too. Cat barf...I'm looking at you. It really really works, as the name IS a miracle.

    Good Luck!


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Sucks, right?

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