Monday, December 17, 2012

Hurricane Moishe touches down briefly in Miami.

A while back I did a holiday rant about ugly menorahs.

I'll sum it up for you real quick - eight nights of ugly menorahs were featured and they were, indeed, all ugly. Some were offensive, but all were ugly and most were tragically so.

I really thought that I had been thorough in my search for ugly menorahs, too. I thought my collection was comprehensive. My small mind couldn't comprehend of there being uglier menorahs than those whose photos I'd collected for that exercise of mine.


Happy Hanukkah, Jews of Miami. Please enjoy your oppressively large shellfish encrusted menorah and dreidel.

It's OK to sit there with your eyebrows raised or perhaps a look of complete dumbfoundedness on your face. That's what I looked like when my friends sent me this photo from their recent trip to Florida.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to feel. All I knew was that I was going straight to this blog to let you guys decide what's really going on here.

So, you tell me - which is it:

  1. Historically, Jews of Miami have destroyed the city's annual Hanukkah displays while acting under the assumption that all Hanukkah decor is simply a foil wrapper around a festively shaped chocolate and that they are simply a foil unwrapping away from a Volkswagen-sized chocolate bar shaped like a dreidel.

    "Well, maybe those maniacs won't try to eat it if it's made of shellfish. This year will be different!" -Miami's holiday decorating committee

    And so it was.


  2. This is Shellfish's way of thanking the Jews for leaving their kind off of menus throughout history.

    Shellfish to Jews: "You guys are cool."

  3. This is Shellfish's way of laying down the gauntlet.

    "WHAT? You're too good for shellfish? You think you're the big man, all over there not enjoying a Bloody Caesar even after your Eighth Night of Hanukkah Manischewitz hangover? WHO'S THE BIG MAN NOW?"

    Because, maybe shellfish has an inferiority complex and is capable of threatening an entire religious population by rising up in the form of that religion's holiday decor.

  4. The Little Mermaid is Jewish and wanted to reconnect with her people during the festival of lights, but couldn't keep the candles lit in her underwater castle or whatever shit they have going on in that cartoon.

  5. There was a Hurricane Moishe that was highly localized and swooped in on Hanukkah Eve, hired some nice men whose mothers they know from Schul to construct these decorations while they supervised, scratched their beards, yelled "Just a little to the left. No, no...just a little to the right." before finally declaring it "Not too shabby" and shuffling off to rinse out a few things and get a nosh at a little place that has the best lox in all of Miami - they cut it right from the center of the fish! You won't believe it!

So - you decide. Is the cause of this Hanukkah-trocity any of the above or some other ill-conceived notion I haven't thought of?

Meanwhile, lest you think that all crimes against jewmanity only affect structures erected in town centers, allow me to share another of my friends' photos showcasing some items from a nearby CVS.

Complete with misspellings and antennae. Because that's festive.

My mind is boggling.


  1. Hurricane Moishe. Winner.

  2. :) Apparently you haven't seen the Santa Dreidel over on (Archie McPhee is a novelty store in Seattle. is their website)

    Another good one is the Hanukkah stocking, which is blue and sports a Jewish man on it. Instead of Ho ho ho it says Oi oi oi!

    Sadly, they are out of Krampus and Cthulhu sweaters this year. :( Although, a Krampus stocking would be nice, even if you cannot fill it with goodies because it cannot be opened (kids be damned! YOU GET NOTHING! MUHAHAHAHA!)

    But what can go better with a Hanukkah stocking and Santa Dreidel? Well, bacon flavored candy canes of course. How un-PC of me. :D


  3. I feel like you need one of all of this. I feel like your holiday will be extra special if you had a Jewish headband. Your Jewish headband is like... it's like my reindeer socks. Because you know I have reindeer socks.


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

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Sucks, right?

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