Sunday, November 25, 2012

If you say so.

You ever have someone tell you that you should "Do something every day that scares you."?

Yeah - that's some crap.

Ever since I quit The Job and went back to school and started a first-of-its-kind-out-of-nowhere business and basically reinvented my life earlier this year, I've been awash in *somethings* that scare me and I'm here to tell you that this shit wears on a person.

Like, I want a day where I don't do or think about a single thing that scares me.

I want to wake up and think, "Ah, this day will be easy like Sunday morning. Literally zero things stress me out about this day. I am fully equipped to deal with whatever I encounter." Or something to that effect.

I just don't want to wake up and think, "AH! What the actual fuck do I think I'm doing?! FAILURE IS IMMINENT! I am going to bring shame upon myself as soon as I step out of bed. RISK RISK RISK FAIL FAIL FAIL! OK, relax - breathe - unclench your fists and jaw - close your eyelids enough to keep the whites from completely encircling your pupils - wipe the sweat from your upper lip - release Rocket's throat from your white-knuckled grip..."

It can be stress-y is what I'm trying to say, and sometimes like right now - as I'm staring down finals and term papers and my first event for my new business in which I will man my own booth and perform my own demos and have no one to blame but myself when I bring very public shame to my own doorstep - I want one of those easy days.

Where I know everything that's going to happen and how to handle it and I can be all, "No worries!" and what have you while I calmly go about my day without breaking into a panic sweat while debugging a new freak thing on my site or tackling a 20 question short answer quiz that turns into a 30 question essay exam that takes three hours or have to meet twenty new people who I just know are judging me and my showy red rain boots or or or...

But, that's not what happens when you're throwing life curve balls like a god damned out of control pitching machine jammed up with bent quarters.

So, yeah. When someone tells you that you should do something every day that scares you - punch them in the throat and thank them for helping you get over your fear of human contact.


  1. You know something? Your good friend Lisa is currently unemployed and willing to trade time & whatever thin expertise I might have for some of your yummy home-grown tomatoes. My schedule at the shelter is currently flexible. And while I am oftentimes sick, when I'm healthy I'd be happy to volunteer to help you man your booth, smile at the nice people and pretend I know fuck all about gardening.

    Seriously, if you need/want help. Let me know.

    1. Oh you sweet sweet friend - thank you. I'll let you know :)

  2. Which is why I feel like if you had a light up flamingo in your garden, you could go talk to it and it's blinking could be like your pep talk. I'm trying to find a light up goat. Because, obviously.

    1. A light up goat would definitely do the trick. And it might be crazy enough to get past Bubba's Christmas radar.

  3. You have showy red rain boots?! That practically guarantees that everything will be fine.

    Good luck, Gorgeous. If anyone can do it, it's you.

    1. I do! Think i should wear them for good luck even though it's not supposed to rain and I'll be inside? Because no one will judge me then...

  4. If it makes you feel any better, Dave is pissing his pants laughing at your post right now. All the while, he is jamming like 12 soft-baked chocolate chip cookies in his face with a glass of milk. That bastard never met a fat cell in his entire life.

    And this is a man who is going blind from stress, supposedly. But I digress.....

    Keep it up Finny. All that "darkest before the dawn" is also a pile of BS, but you must be the most capable woman I have ever met. Never fear, your trusty intern (me) will be there before you know it:) Seriously, I will work for gardening tips that don't come from my husband (annoying) and involve hops or weed growing. Well maybe that part is OK.

    xoxoxox Sending love.


    1. It does entertain me to think that he's pissing himself, yes. Though his ability to drink boat loads of beer and eat tons of garbage without gaining weight enrages me. I guess we're back at square one except that it cheers me greatly to think of you guys coming home! Do that soon please. Xo

  5. Yeah, but at least you're doing it, rather than cowering in fear in your bed or something. That'd be lame.

    Kick some ass, Finn. Then have a good drink.

  6. Hang in there Finny. You're doing GREAT. I am constantly in awe of you and your accomplishments - and energy! Sounds like we're overdue for one of our mammoth phone chats - seeing as how I'm probably partly to blame for encouraging you to jump into your brand new (fantabulous!) farming life and all. ;)

  7. And, you are going to rock it. Count on it. :)

  8. Whoo. That's some hefty stuff you've got going on. I can't remember if I managed to post a "I just wanted to say good luck, we're all counting on you" kind of a supportive post when you made your Big Announcement. (I wanted to, but I was really sick for a while there.) So in case I didn't at the time, here you go.

    Being terrified all day long is a quality most horse owners are familiar with, I think. They're huge and wonderful and extremely fragile, and they're also self-destruct machines. If they can injure themselves or get sick, they will. (And of course specialized vet bills are not exactly cheap.) So we spend our lives paranoid that we have made their habitats as much like a padded cell as possible. Are there any nails coming loose on the fence? They could tear themselves open against the nailhead sticking out less than an inch. Is there a broken sapling in the pasture? They could impale a leg on the tiny broken trunk. Is there a poisonous weed suddenly growing out there? They could eat it and die. Did we thoroughly close and bolt all the gates? They could get into the feed room and overeat and die; they could get loose and get hit by a car; they could accidentally get separated from their buddies and run themselves into a leg or shoulder injury in panic.

    Sometimes they get hurt even when their "home" is as safe as possible; they *can* jump fences or burst through them on a whim, they just usually don't. Or they might try and fail and get stuck halfway across. They can hurt each other. Sometimes they get injured and there's nothing, NOTHING that can be found that caused it. Owning one of these things is like sitting on a knife edge all your waking and sleeping hours.

    Exciting, isn't it? Exhausting though. You have lots and lots of sympathy from me. I hope things soon start moving in directions that make you feel less like you're doing something every day that scares you.

    1. And here Bubba says that I have nothing to fear from horses. I BEG TO DIFFER. Wow. That would stress me out. Plus, you must love them all dearly and spend so much time just plain worrying.

      Thankfully, with what I'm doing, no expensive vet bills apply. Just lost college tuition, a high tech salary and my good old pride ;)

      It's these challenges that make us strong though, right? RIGHT?


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.